Danica Patrick’s Cheap, 50 Cent Acts Like It

Hows it hanging folks.

Doc B. here I’ve been out all day so I missed out on any happening’s in Luis, the cats murder trial.
Last I heard, he was making argument’s to exclude the four mice on the jury and replace them with two salamanders one gopher, and a garden slug. I have no idea if that got worked out or not. I was busy shopping for the perfect coasters to go with the coffee table. I saw some Paris Hilton coasters but they were really just cardboard rings with a deep hole in the middle. Pretty useless. There were also coaters of the Green Bay Packers, But I don’t need coasters that hold your drink, salsa, and corn chips, so I didn’t buy them. I finally settled on some environmentally friendly coasters made from old tires. I’m all for saving the planet, but I wish they would have trimmed off the air valves. Some are a little greasy, but at least they have good traction. Anyhow, heres the news.

But first…


“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.”
“Mae West”


Guide To Parenting: By 50 Cent

Rapper 50 cent is refusing to let son Marquise live in one of his mansions. The rhymer hated the 10-year-old and mother Shaniqua Tompkins sharing the $1.5million (£850k) New York pad with her boyfriend and had them evicted. Source Here

I sure this is just a case of tuff love for 50 Cent’s boy. I’m sure once he earns his colors on the mean streets, selling drugs, beating homeless wino’s and perfecting his standing on a street corner looking tough posture, 50 Cent will welcome him to his pad. That, and a few gunshot wounds, should soften up the old man’s stance, right. C’mon,Cent,wheres the love.


Bobby Brown: Class Act

More words of wisdom from Bobby…

I reached my third single on the Don’t Be Cruel album, I was one of the biggest stars in the world. And then…With success comes the women! At this time, I probably had dated half of the industry, including Madonna. Source Here
See, what a classy guy. No comment from Coolio, Counting Crows. Or Wilson Phillips on why they and the other half of the industry slept with this ass. That’s what he’s suggesting, right. This friggin’ guy and K-Fed are cut from the same cloth.


Anna Nicole Smith = Mensa?

From the man who brought you Jerry Springer, the opera comes Anna Nicole the opera.
Thomas said: "It's an incredible story. It's very operatic and sad. She was quite a smart lady with the tragic flaw that she could not seem to get through life
without a vat of prescription painkillers."
Look. I know we’re not supposed to speak ill of the dead but, smart is not going to be the first adjective I use in describing Anna Nicole .Or the second adjective, or the third, fourth, fifth…. Maybe # 42. No wait. Nope. Sorry, # 42 would have to be virtuous Source Here


Soprano’s Paulie Walnuts Not Queer.

It seem’s Tony Sirirco (Paulie Walnuts “Sopranos”) was giving comedy writer Jeffrey Gurian pointers on how real men pose for pictures “he slipped his arm through mine, with his hand in a fist, and that's how we took the picture!" laughed Gurian. "He showed me how real men take photos."
Source Here
Later on in the evening Tony showed Jeffrey how real men stand at the urinals, staring forward blankly. Then, he showed him how many shakes of the weasel a man does before it’s considered playing with himself. Then before exiting the washroom, Tony demonstrated how to cup your package properly, shifting it gently, but forcefully to the left to give off the proper pleat in a pair of slacks, Damm, I wish I would have had Paulie Walnuts mentoring me on these important issues. I could have avoided that ugly incident in the mens room at the Hyatt. Stare forward blankly… Got it, won’t happen again.

Dog Days for Norah Jones

Some anonymous friend told someone that Norah’s looking for love.
A friend of hers said, "Norah is dying for a small puppy in need of a home." Source Here
Norah Jones is looking to adopt a little dog eh. Well I got one in the doghouse out back that I wouldn’t mind parting ways with still, he’s not small. Hmmm… I wonder if I taped his leg to his stomach and put some wagon wheels under his torso. If I could pass him off as small… hmmm.


Danica Patrick Dumps on Small Towns

I read this piece with race car driver Danica Patrick where she says…
"There isn't much culture in little old towns, so we learn to party." Source Here
So I called the mayor of Greenfield (a small Midwestern town) and asked him what kind of culture and party habits they have.

Doc B: Thank you Mayor Bumsquat for speaking with me today.

Mayor B: Well, that’s quite all right.

Doc B: Danica Patrick says there’s not much culture in small towns. How do you respond to that.

Mayor B: Well this one time. I had to get me a culture. The doctor checked it out and everything was hunky doory.

Doc B: (Pause) Well… That’s good, how’s the party life in Greenfield

Mayor B: Well, there is a party coming up for old Doc. Graves. Celebrating his 1000th birthing.

Doc B: Wow, 1000 babies he’s delivered in his profession, that’s amazing.

Mayor B: Yes… well, thems mostly calfs and pigs and such. Not many of the town’s women have their babies birthed by Doc Graves on account of the incident.

Doc B: Eh, what incident would that be?

Mayor B: I’d rather not say, it’s a rather lewd and salacious bit of old news. Best to forget about it, much like women’s right to vote, let bygones be bygones and just move on.

Doc B: Who delivers the babies in Greenfield if Doc Graves doesn’t do it.

Mayor B: Well, Wheezer does most of them. Some of the women choose to do it on their own, though it ain’t recommended.

Doc B: (Pause)…. Who’s Wheezer?

Mayor B: He’s the mechanic over at the Texaco on the corner of Baker St. and Pine St. He’s very good with his hands. He can change yer oil, and fix yer flat tire faster than a horse can shit

Doc B: (Silence)….

Mayor B: Hello…. Hello?

Doc B: Yes, I’m here. Sorry. Is there any other wild parties panned in Greenfield coming up.

Mayor B: Well, over at the town hall in May will be Mrs Palm’s Springtime swap party

Doc B: (Yawn) and what that about, are you swapping recipes or dentures of something?

Mayor B: Well, at the party we drink to the springtime weather. Then we square dance to celebrate the up-coming crop season. At the end of the dance Mrs. Palm pulls names out of a hat. Who evers names comes out together have to spend the night together getting all greasy on top of each other, poking holes and slapping bottoms, to please the great corn gods of the fields. It’s a tradition that’s been going on for years. The only downside is sometimes you get a partner with a sausage and not a peach, but other than that, a good time is had by all.

Doc B: (SILENCE)

Mayor B: Hello… Hello? You still there?

Doc B: (Click)

FIN

Well I gotta go find a new coffee table to match those f#@%ing ugly ass rubber coasters I was guilted into buying because of this environment fad. Sheesh

Later Doc B.