Trump Feels Inadequate, Ashlee Simpson’s Baby Worthless

Heidi-ho folks, Doc. B. here.

My brother Lance and my dog Bruce have been consoling me for the last 1hr ½. My beloved Montreal Canadians lost tonight’s game, and now a 7th and final game is necessary. Lance had to restrain me more than once, as Luis, my cat taunts me by wearing a Boston Bruins sweater and shouting “Kovalev Sucks!” Were it not for their intervention, Luis would be hanging on the clothesline by his tongue. First, I must respond to an error I printed in an earlier post. I made the mistake of calling a Koala, a bear when in fact it is a marsupial. I received thousands of emails about it, but one in particular from a young man named Daniel, who faces lots of challenges socially and mentally. It takes the poor boy months to do such rudimentary tasks, such as mailing a package. However he has shown great improvement lately, and was very quick to point out my error. Good work Daniel, keep plugging at it every day, and you will not need the bib to eat meals any more soon. I have confidence in you. In response to your question you asked me in your email, the answer is yes, it is normal. Simply drink less water before bed, or buy some rubber sheets to cover it. Don’t worry, you secrets safe with me. Here’s the news.

But first…

“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
“Groucho Marx”



Penis Envy

Donald Trump, the Donald, the Trumpster has decided to name his newest tower after himself. Hmmm… you have a TV. show about people who jump when you tell them to. And you fire them when they disappoint you. That must be very empowering. You marry a new wife every time one loses their lustre. Wife #3 is a young model who loves you dearly obviously,you’re as rich as any person could dream of. Yet the need to name another large building after one’s self suggest something is lacking, some self-esteem perhaps. Don’t worry Donald, your humble Doc. B. has got you covered on your little problem. I have the ultimate, guaranteed to work, penis enlargement product that I’m sending you way. You can thank me later. Source Here


Judge In Potter Trial Is No Judge Judy

May be a judge in a court case should have to pass an IQ test. Here’s why.
During her trial against Steven vander Ark, author of the "Harry Potter Lexicon," Judge Robert Patterson, Jr. told Rowling that he read half of "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" to his grandchildren, and he thought there was merit in such a guide.
"I found it extremely complex," he said of the book - even more complex than the Dickens novels his father read to him as a child.
Honestly, this is ridiculous. What don’t you understand about Slytherin, animagus, muggles and Huffle Puffs. Did this judge even finish high school? What do I need to explain about a bludger, or a hippogriff, that isn’t already evident to everyone, my gosh, drink some polyjuice, stick some Satsuma up your nose, follow the way of the Quidditch and use you common sense man. Doesn’t this judge ever use a dictionary. You know judge there is a guide about all this. Oh wait… Never mind. Source Here


Celeb Baby Photo Scam Averted

Phew, it’s looking like the market for middle-tier celebs babies has bottomed out. Ashlee Simpsons dad (her manager) has tried to fetch a cool mil but has found the industry is not that interested .
“The deal would include photos of Ashlee - taken by Joe, of course, so he can make more money - an interview and photos of the baby when she has it," our source said.
Sadly, there is some interest - but not for anything close to $1 million.
One magazine editor said the pictures would fetch "$60,000 maybe - but definitely not a million,the editor said. “Guess she’ll have to work for a living. This is good news folks, the word is spreading. They gotta produce if they expect idolatry. This pregnancy stuff is rampant, just like herpes. Together we can find a cure. We can be the generation that accomplishes the task. Or not. Whatever. Lets move on. Source Here


This Is CNN Dammit

CNN’s roving reporter Richard Quest (no relation to Johnny) was arrested while hanging around Central Park at 3:40 AM in the morning. (Looking for Mr. Goodbar, no doubt) Here’s what happened.
Richard Quest, 46, was arrested around 3:40 a.m. on a count of possession of a controlled substance -- a misdemeanor that usually refers to a personal use amount of a drug. He was also charged with loitering; the park officially closes at 1 a.m.
When police saw and detained Quest, he told them, "I've got some meth in my pocket," according to the complaint filed in court. The complaint said he had a plastic sandwich bag containing methamphetamine in a jacket pocket.
Wow, and then he gave them some crack cocaine stuffed in his thong, some heroin hidden in his anus, a little bit of weed in his sock, and some horse tranquilizers to help him come down and relax. In Mr. Quest defense, his travel schedule is brutal. Could happen to anyone. Source Here


Touchdown For Eli ?

Super Bowl champ Eli Manning is getting married this weekend.
The star signal caller and his male posse played another round of golf on the resort's Jack Nicklaus-designed course.
Manning also worked out in the Palmilla's well-equipped gym, making sure he's in shape for his honeymoon. He said he was also planning some laps in the pool, but only after pumping iron. Manning is expected to anticipate any blitzes thrown at him by his fiancée. Though she should prove to be a tough opponent, Manning’s skill and quickness should be able to break down her defences. He should be able to move the ball around.
Someone should tell Manning to leave his defensive line out of this. On your honeymoon it’s a good thing to get sacked. Source Here

Where’s K.I.T.T. When You Need Him

The Hoff is about to take a big hit in the wallet.
David Hasselhoff has agreed to pay $A27,000 a month to support his ex-wife and children.
Los Angeles court documents show the former Baywatch star’s divorce settlement calls for him to pay $22,000 (euro13,230) a month to ex-wife Pamela Bach and another $5,000 to support their daughters, 17-year-old Taylor, and 15-year-old Hayley.
Ouch! that’ll put a crimp in the Hoff’s style. Bet he’ll want to hop on a jet plane and fly to Germany so he can feel the love. Documents also show he agreed to joint ownership of their home and will divide the family’s cars, bank accounts and Hasselhoff’s pensions from acting and directing guilds. Hmmm, I guess no early retirement for him huh. Time to crank out another album for those music loving German’s, I guess. I smell more reality Tv in the Hoff’s future Source Here


The Reflex …….Makes Me Puke

Oh really, Duran Duran is now cool.
Pop legends Duran Duran, who shot to fame for a string of smash hits and dodgy suits in the 1980s, are officially cool at last. The British band have become a reference point for many of today’s chart-topping acts, such as indie rockers Arctic Monkeys and American outfit The Killers.
If Duran Duran is cool, then I’m a dark, tall drink of water (not that I’m not) Since when does rerecording the same two songs over and over again, and slapping a new title on it constitute new material anyhow. What a joke. If you want great music that’s kitsch and cool try Dolly Deluxe Source Here



She’s Not Called The Material Girl For Nothing

Madonna’s not begging for food, I tell ya.
She is reportedly taking home a paycheck of $24 million dollars for performing just two gigs in Dubai.
I guess she needs the dough to buy some children. I mean adopt some more children. They are totally IN right now. They are the perfect accessories to dress up parties. There great for photo-ops , and you get to boss them around. Just like dogs, except they don’t lick their balls. Source Here



Granny’s Drunk As A Skunk

Another reason the elderly shouldn’t drive.
Sandra Bullock and her husband Jesse James, were hit by a drunken driver. The culprit, 64-year-old Lucille Gatchell was busted and charged with Operating Under the Influence of Liquor -- in our world, that's DUI. She blew 2 1/2 times the legal limit. Source Here
Gatchell, Lucille Gatchell. Damm.

I gotta go bail grandma Lucille out of jail again. Good night Bruce, goodnight Lance. F#@& you Luis. and finally, goodnight Daniel, think of the desert, something dry. Not the ocean or tap water running. Certainly don’t think of Pam Anderson frolicking in the water in a wet skin-tight bathing suit. On second thought, you’ve got rubber sheets now, so knock yourself out.

Doc. B. Gone baby, gone.

SNOOP DOGGS COUNTRY MUSIC ROOTS? NAOMI SAYS, TALK TO THE HAND

Hi folks, Doc. B. here, Well I finally got word from Antonio. He is indeed in Vegas, but he ditched Lucinda (again) and hooked up with a koala bear named Peaches! And they got married (I didn’t think that was legal, even in Vegas!) at the “Chapel Of Love”. I don’t know where he’s going from there, it’s my brother Lance who answered the phone. He wasn’t very coherent when he told me of the conversation, and now he’s passed out again. Anyhow here’s the news.


But first….

“No object is so beautiful that, under certain conditions, it will not look ugly”
“Oscar Wilde”


Michelle Rodriguez; Behind The Bathroom Door

Apparently Ex-lost actress Michelle Rodriguez is tired of some people asking questions about her sexuality. She says it doesn’t bother her though. Does this sound like someone who isn’t bothered though.
She explains: “I picture them turning into pigs, slime coming out the side of their mouth, and I picture them jerking off. I don't answer those questions.

Hmm… I don’t have slime coming out of my mouth. She goes on, thankfully, with these more edifying thoughts.
“I just keep it to myself and it's nobody's business. If I wanna f**k a girl, a boy, a dog, that's my business. That's why there's bathroom doors."

Hmmm…. a dog… hmmm… in the bathroom… behind closed doors… hmmm… Oh man, that’s sick! What’s wrong with her. She’s had a few DUI’s, I wonder if anyone gave her a breatherlizer before the interview, if not, … maybe they should. Source Here


IS NICE , HIGH FIVE

MAD TV performer Aries Spears had to pass in court on Wednesday Spears, 32, pleaded guilty to harassment on Wednesday for hitting the woman in the front row of the Comix comedy club in the Meatpacking District in February. "You can't high-five a woman's breast," Assistant District Attorney Elizabeth Pederson.
Nope, you shouldn’t be able to, unless you’re Gary Coleman, or Verne Troyer (Mini Me). Of course the woman could be a basketball player from the WBA, that might explain it. Source Here


Naomi Tells British Airways To Shove It

Naomi Campbell says British Airways have practically begged her to fly with them again, but turned them down. Good for you girl. You don’t need them. You deserve the best baby, not the rest. Of course, some fluckie from BA. (who wouldn’t be privileged to any information) denies any such grovelling. Right, I likely story. And I suppose we’re supposed to believe you when you claim to take care of our luggage as well. Or the engine is properly maintained. Geeze, don’t get me started about the food, is that supposed to be chicken, Hmmm… who you gonna believe, them! Big business, or the lovely and completely, not unstable Naomi, Yeah, I believe her too. Source Here


SNOOP’S A HONKYTONK KIND OF MAN

Snoop Dogg was at the CMT awards. Snoop Dog joined Jason Aldean to introduce Alan Jackson's performance of "Good Time." The rapper wore a black outfit and cowboy hat in honor of the late Johnny Cash, who he said was the inspiration for his single, "My Medicine”.
Yeah, cause when I listen to Snoop, I think of Country music. Source Here


I… MUST …BE …LOVED … …NOT

William Shatner has written an autobiography. In it he reveals he did not know, until “Star Trek” was over that Nichelle (Uhura) Nichols — who told him bluntly that she despised him. (As did Scotty, Sulu and Chekov, apparently.)
Boy, you’d really have to have your head up your ass to work with people for 3 years and not realize it, Either that, or he is really playing himself on “Boston Legal” Which doesn’t bode well. His character is insane. Source Here


Well that’s all I got, I gotta go clean up Lance’s vomit in the bathroom.
Doc. B. Gone baby, gone

Paris Apologizes (Not), Clooney’s Midlife Crisis

What shaking folks, Doc. B. Here,

It would appear that I was mistaken, my friends. There was indeed a dark van parked near my house, but it wasn’t the F.B.I. . It was just my brother Lance in a government van he bought at an auction. He was waiting for me to come home. He had been on tour with the rock group, “Kitty Litter”. He’s a sound technician. It would seem the group is no longer together. Apparently the lead singer slept with the drummers father and gave him a venereal disease. So then the father, it seems passed it on to his wife, her sister, his secretary, Paris, sister Mary Margaret, and Father Poppavich. Boy, it’s the gift that keeps on giving huh! Now my brother Lance is out of work so he came to freeload… er… visit. But enough about that, heres the news

But first…

“Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.”
“Oscar Wilde”


Saucy Salma Hayek

The stunning Salma Hayek talks about being a mother in a recent interview “Every night, I don’t sleep, I watch her,” Hayek said, who added that she’s still breast-feeding”
Yes! I mean no, not going to touch that…er… go there. All kidding aside, she does talk about a worthy cause she’s involved in. “The initiative, part of a marketing strategy by a nappy maker, provides mothers and newborns in developing countries with tetanus vaccines.”
“As a new mum, the most important, the number one priority in life becomes to have a healthy child and (at the same time) to think of these babies who are born with this curse that they don’t have the opportunity for life,” Hayek said.
“(Tetanus is) so easy to immunise against. ... It’s actually 5 cents (per vaccine). It’s so simple, so easy and so cheap.”
She’s gorgeous, and generous with her time as well. How about that. She also offers some advice to new mothers, telling them to make some “ME” time available for themselves. “We should feel like queens and give ourselves a little bit more of a break.”
I know I do… Eh… give myself a break I mean, not the feel like a queen part… or the pregnant part either… Let’s move on. Source Here


A Hairy Encounter

Even George Clooney admits to being concerned about how he looks, especially his locks. How vain, what a shallow geezer, anyways here some of what he said, “My hair’s too grey, much too grey! “I will have to consider dyeing it. I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately. First I’m going to start dyeing my eyebrows, just to see how it works. And then I’ll go to the hair. Start slowly.”
I have to admit, in a moment of weakness, I, your humble Doc. B. succumbed to the pressure of a passing fad once. It was the big thing at the time. All the cool guys were doing it. And I’m cool,… somewhat. So anyways, I wanted to try it out somewhere first, someplace no one would see it if I didn’t like it. You know! Down there. Yup, you got it. There! Anyhow. I followed the instructions (for the most part) and applied it. Well, I must have done something wrong cause it burned like hell, so I hopped in the shower to cool off what was now becoming excruciatingly painfull. So I’m rinsing off, and it’s starting to feel much better, less like someone using a toastmaster on my balls, more like just a really hot mug of coffee on the bagsack. I look down at Felipé (He’s just always been called that) and discover that the tall grass he’s usually standing in, has been mowed! I had singed off my pubes! All the skin around the area had turned yellow as well. It never did grow back right either. It all grows in patchs, not unlike Johnny Depp’s beard. So now everytime I look down at Felipé, it always seems like the grass needs watering or somethin’. Anyhow kiddies, the moral to this story I guess is, don’t hire a gardener named Felipé, he can be a little prick sometimes. Source Here


Brazilians Are Brainwashed

"Brazil rejects Naomi Campbell at blood drive." Why those over-sexed, sundrenched Brazilian bastards. After the lovely Naomi Campbell flies over there, out of the goodness of her heart to donate her time and celebrity profile, they reject her. I suppose they’re reading the propaganda that airline is maliciously attacking Naomi with. What fools, complete and utter fools. Well two can play that game. From now on I refuse to support Brazils economy, I will no longer purchase anything made in Brazil. Like that canned beef in my cupboard. It’s out of there. Gone! No more bikina wax as well. I’ll just buy the one from Finland, I’m sure It’s just as effective. While I’m at it, no more of those special condoms from Brazil either. I guess I’ll just switch back to the goats intestine prophylactic that I used in high school. I’m officially crossing Brazil off my shopping list, so there, take that! Wait,… what does the next paragraph say “Campbell went to the HemoRio medical center on Tuesday to take part in a blood drive, but was turned away. Officials there say she needs to wait longer after having surgery in February to remove a cyst. Campbell often visits Brazil and Rio Mayor Cesar Maia has invited her to be a goodwill ambassador for the city.”
(pause)… Never mind. Source Here


Dog Killer

Martha Stewart’s dog Paw Paw has passed away. The cause was renal failure. Remember that the next time you’re trying out one of Martha’s recipes. You can never be too safe. After all, she did do time.
Source Here


Paris apologizes for Kim’s Fat Ass

Yesterday I told you how Paris Hilton, (she of the ball point pen figure) talked trash about Kim’s ass (hey I’m a poet, and I didn’t,.. never mind) Kim Karsdahian’s ass, that is. Anyhow, she apparently called Kim to apologize for saying her butt looked like “cottage cheese inside of a big trash bag.” Apparently Kim’s ass looks more like medium spicy salsa in a Macy’s shopping bag. Glad that’s all cleared up. Source Here


Fabulous Gays: Who Knew

I noticed this Headline at MSNBC Tori Spelling thinks being a gay Icon is fabulous. Hmm, if Tori’s a gay icon, doesn’t it go without saying that its fabulous. Seems kinda redundant. Source Here


Jonas Brother Neglects The Blind?

Over at TigerBeat I noticed the “really big news”. Nick, of the popular Jonas Brother reveals what attracts him to a girl. He says “Eyes are a really big thing for me.” Yeah they’re a really big thing for me too. How else would I know if Felipé is talking care of the grass. The point, I guess, Nick is trying to make is, girls without eyeballs in their sockets shouldn’t get their hopes up (Isn’t that a bit shallow?)
Source Here


Well that’s todays news, I gotta go check something. Theres a rather odd smell coming from the room Lance is in.

Doc. B. Gone baby, gone.

Paris Talks Trash, Sly Spits Out His Skittles

Pssst, hi folks, Doc. B. here.

I’m still in hiding, I’m afraid to go home. Bruce my dog brings me what he can for me to eat, but I’m becoming weary of used gum and cigarette butts. I asked Bruce if anyone suspicious looking came to check the meter. He replied “what’s a meter” Damm, stalemate. I don’t know if I can go on much longer. Still, I found away to post. Here’s the news

But first…

“Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember somebody got tired of her.”
“Anonymous”


Paris Talks, Unfortunately

It’s always the jealous ones, huh? Paris takes a swipe at Jessica’s, the heiress has had a pop at busty rival JESSICA SIMPSON, claiming the Dukes Of Hazzard star's assets are "too big". She said: "I like how mine are, I don't like big boobs. "I think they're too ... big." Big, yes that always the first word that pops into my head when asked to describe large, abundant, plentiful, massive, bountiful, enormous, huge breast. However, my brain automatically say’s “try again”. And I move on the next appropriate adjective. Paris didn’t stop at Jessica’s boobs though. She went on to describe Kim Kardashian’s ample derriere this way
"It's disgusting. It reminds me of cottage cheese inside a big trash bag."
You know there’s something to be said about cottage cheese, but I digress. Me thinks Paris protests too much. Source Here


Hurricane Heather Wreaks Havoc In Vegas

Heather Mills, Paul McCartneys ex-shrew has worn out her welcome already, Donald Trump (never one to let pass an opportunity, good or bad) hired Mills for no apparent reason to judge the Miss USA pageant (he must of hated the Beatles, probably a big Neal Sedaka fan) Hurricane Heather argued with the show’s producers over money.
Audience members loudly booed and hissed when Mills was introduced as a judge for the show at the Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino in Vegas. But the real problem came behind the scenes, where, for three weeks prior, Mills refused to sign a contract stating the show could be rebroadcast.
"She flat out refused because of one line," said an insider. "They went back and forth rewriting and finally threatened to pull her from it altogether. She still wouldn't sign it because she wants to get paid if they resell the footage. Her ego is enormous, and it's getting bigger by the minute."
The independent contractors who booked Mills promised they'd never work with the gold-digging former nudie model again, according to our insider.
"She believed that if the show got high ratings, it would be because of her," said our source. "She treated this like she was starring in a big-budget movie."
Does she actually think anyone cares who the judges are on this show. People watch to see girls in the itsy bitsy bikini. Not to watch the talent segment (which ironically proves the lack of any.), not to watch the evening gown presentation, and most certainly not to hear their positions on education or South Africa. But I know. I’m positive. I’m absolutely certain it’s not the panel of judges that people tune in to see. Are’nt there immigration laws that can be enforced to safeguard the nation from this walking, talking natural disaster. In her wake, nothing is left unscathed. Stay tuned to your radio, the hurricane may be blowing your way next. Source Here


SPANDEX DREAMS

Patrick Dempsey likes a tight fit, it would seem, wearing Spandex pants when he cycles around his Los Angeles neighborhood. "I get a lot of crap for it. In Hollywood circles, certainly, but my wife laughs at me as I walk out in my garb," the "Grey's Anatomy" star confesses in next month's Bicycling magazine. "So I get a hard time in the house, and then I go out and the paparazzi give it to me, too."
I once wore spandex pants. They were so tight, I could hang up my car keys. Anyhow, the priest told me not to sit in the front row anymore when in church. (I think my keys distracted him). Source Here


Naomi Campbell: Saving The World

The ever graceful and kind Naomi Campbell is over in Brazil risking life and limb. Is it on the front page of the Entertainment News? Nope. But one little problem with a servant or a hostile airline, and it’s a big deal. Let me then, trumpet loud and proud all the good work and goodwill that Naomi does.
She flew to Brazil Monday night to help in the battle against an epidemic of dengue fever, a deadly mosquito-born disease. Campbell will appear at a blood center to raise awareness.
So far, dengue has infected 55,000 people, killing 67.
At least in Brazil, there are no white honky’s around to oppress the lovely and charming Ms Campbell. This poor woman just doesn’t get the respect she deserves. Honestly, it’s criminal. Source Here


Sylvester Stallone Hates Skittles

Sly was hanging around the courthouse, performing his civic duty, when the vending machine decided to pick a fight with the champ. Sly had put money in the machine to buy some M&M’S, but the machine tried to screw the action hero, switching his M&M’s into the icky sweet Skittles. Realizing that he received a bag of Skittles, (Skittles are for girls, and Clay Aiken) the action star blew a fuse.
He "immediately got pissed off" at the candy machine, a witness told TMZ.com He exclaimed "Oh s--t" when he didn't get the treat he wanted.
Sly later got his revenge. He blackened his face, and changed into his camouflage gear. There, silently in the bushes he waited until dark to wreak havoc upon his enemy. The vending machine never saw the bamboo spear trap that Sly had set. Once impaled in the spears, Sly pounced on his prey. It wasn’t pretty. Glass strewn everywhere, oil blackening the pavement, and candy crushed into dust. Oh the horror! Incidentally, Sly got his dollar back. All’s well, that ends well. In my world at least. Source Here


Well that’s all. I gotta go find a toothpick or something. The gum Bruce brought me is full of gravel, and it’s sticking to my fillings.

Doc. B. Gone baby, gone.

Britney's Make-up + BONUS: Ivanka's Boobies

Hi folks, Doc B here, can’t talk now. I’m posting from a secret location. I think the FBI is staking out my house. This must be Antonio’s doing. (Whispering.) here’s the news

But first…


“Forty isn’t old, if you’re a tree”
“Anonymous”


Ivanka’s Wedding: Boobs Abound

Dear readers. I know that sometimes I exaggerate and resort to hyperbole, or sensationalism. Other times I flat out make shit up. Yesterday, I wrote a post called “B-Listers On Parade”, which revealed the guest list to this years White House Correspondents Dinner. I made a joke out of the invitees, and then made up a list of celebs who supposedly declined. They included George Hamilton, Carmen Electra, Shannon Doherty, and Ron Jeremy. That list I made up. The guest list to Ivanka Trumps wedding is pure comedy gold. You can’t make this stuff up. And now without further ado (or exaggeration) heres Ivanka’s guest list.
Neal Sedaka serenaded the couple as guests, including Brigitte Nielsen, George Hamilton, Dr. Ruth Westheimer and Robin Leach, danced beneath crystal chandeliers.
I told you. Gold! Not B-listers. Nope. C-listers, c-list celebs everyone of them. (My apologies to the wonderfully classy Neal Sedaka) What,did Coolio, Judge Judy, and Phyllis Diller have better things to do, but I digress. This being a Trump affair, one would expect something very expensive, but at the same time gaudy and over the top and classy (Just kidding, I meant Classless)
The 12-foot-tall wedding cake weighed 770 pounds, took four months to make and was imported from Germany.
Sounds expensive huh. But wait there is more. Donald Jr. took the microphone at one point during the reception and toasted the happy (!?) couple. Donald Jr. made a veiled threat (veiled !?) to the groom suggesting "You better treat her right, because I have a .45 and a shovel.” and "We are a construction company and we have job sites, we lose people,"
I’m sure he was kidding but, this being a Trump affair, I still would watch my back (Beware of the teamsters) Donald Jr. also made some comments about Ivanka’s breasts, flattering comments, I guess, but creepy nonetheless.I hope the groom didn’t have the same image I did, of Donald Jr. sitting in mommy’s lap, playing with her lovely boobies, while she scolds him for using the wire hangers again when hanging up his coat. I digress. In a nutshell (nuthouse!) a good time was surely had by all. Only in New York . I tells you. Source Here


BABY SCAM ALERT

There’s rumours that Ashlee Simpson may be pregnant (something in the friggin water in LA. Call “C.S.I”) so reports the “The nydailynews.com”, at least. If this turns out to be true, I’m positive this is another case of a baby-for-photo-money-scam again. Oohh, she’s a smart one that Ashlee Simpson. She’s trying to pop a baby out before the baby photo market becomes saturated and the bottom falls out. I said it before, I’ll say it again. They must be stopped. They should earn their millions performing or somethin, not for making babies. What are you waiting for people. For some other celeb to cash in, huh. The next time, it could be Paris Hilton. Then all hell would break loose. Then what will we do? (SAVE US SUPERMAN).


Who’s Mika Who???

Apparently British singer Mika is suing Belgium singer Mika for trying to sue British Mika from using Belgium Mika’s name ( he had it first, apparently).

The judge threw out Belgium Mika’s case but British Mika wasn’t satisfied. So, British Mika is countersuing Belgium Mike. If this all seems a little confusing, you’re welcome. Source Here


Britney’s Beauty Tips For The Car Driver

So Britney was using the rearview mirror of her car to apply makeup while in traffic. I got to say, that totally makes sense. Of course Britney smashed into the other car, because some one forgot to tell her that the mirrors are to be used for navigating traffic. Not touch-ups. At least she didn’t do something out of character. This is exactly what I expect of Britney. Quite Frankly, America expects this from Britney. God Bless her for not letting us, and America down. And, Britney, if you read this, one piece of advice LOOK OUT, RED LIGHT. Hahahahah… Psyche! Source Here

Well that’s it folks. I gotta go see a man about a new identity

Doc. B. Gone baby gone

Britney’s 3 Car Pile-Up, Heathers Mills = PUKE

Heidi-Ho folks Doc. B. Here,

I can’t believe it. Antonio, my chimp has taken off with his ex-wife Lucinda, to renew their vows. With my car. At least that’s what Bruce my boxer said they did anyways. I don’t know if I should call the police because Bruce has pulled my leg before, and I can never tell if he’s being serious. What to do, what to do. Oh well, it’s not your problem. Here’s the news.

But first…

“Your highness, when I said that you are like a stream of bat's piss, I only mean that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is dark”
“Monty Python”


Dolly’s Gay-dar Unparalled

I’ve always thought that Dolly Parton had a nice way of putting things. In http://www.ew.com/ she revealed this insight into men ''When I talk to a man, I can always tell what he's thinkin' by where he's lookin'. See, if he's lookin' at my eyes, he's lookin' for intelligence. If he's lookin' at my mouth, well, he's lookin' for wit and wisdom. If he's lookin' anywhere else except my chest... he's lookin' for another man.'' I couldn’t agree more. Your humble Doc. B. wouldn’t kick Dolly out of bed for eating watermelons… I mean crackers. (Blush).


Britney’s Road Rage Or My Imagination

Britney Spears in three car accident. Would you believe Spears rammed a car in front of hers into another car, that in a fit of road rage, fuelled by Banana Daiquiris’ and Red Bulls, combined with amphetamines and dark chocolate Ladyfingers, she snapped! The jaws of life had to be used by the fire dept. to free spears from her vehicle. They discovered Britney unharmed, wearing only yellow socks and a purple tank top that read “Death to Smoochy”. Spears seemed disoriented, muttering to the police that her name was Lola and she needed to get to the church on time… Nope, I didn’t think you’d buy it. Sorry. This is what really transpired.
The pop star was involved in a minor traffic accident late Saturday, but no one was injured and no vehicles were damaged, authorities said.
Spears was driving her 2008 Mercedes on the eastbound Ventura Freeway just east of the 405 freeway about 8:20 p.m. when the mishap occurred, said California Highway Patrol Officer Patrick Kimball.
Spears was in stop-and-go traffic when her car struck a 2006 Nissan in front of her that had stopped. The Nissan then pushed forward into another vehicle.
Britney’s driving is starting to remind me of the old Irish woman who lived next door to me (God rest her soul). Sorry about getting your hopes up at the beginning there. A guy can dream, can’t he? Source Here


Hurricane Heather Blows Smoke Up Our Ass

Well folks, thanks to Donald Trump. Paul McCartney’s Ex-shrew has a platform to continue to poison the airwaves. In an interview, she continues to try to convince people that she’s not a gold digging, angry, bitter, ex-soft core porn model, but a woman who’s been misjudged. Here’s what she spewed.

She went on to boast about pouring water over the head of Macca's lawyer Fiona Shackleton at the end of the High Court case. Mills claimed that she had done it to "cleanse and baptise" her.
Speaking from Las Vegas, where she is a judge in the Miss USA beauty contest, she said: "Mrs Shackleton said something under her breath so I cleansed and baptised her. I thought she looked fantastic.
Mills also told GMTV that she had no regrets about representing herself during the divorce case, despite Judge Bennett accusing her of being a "less than candid" witness, living in a land of "make-believe".
She then accused the judge - one of Britain's most respected - of being "one-sided" in his damning judgment, which left her reputation in tatters. Mills admitted: "People love me or hate me." Source Here
I don’t know about you folks, but I vomit my Cheerios every time she opens her mouth. Thanks Donald, for legitimizing this woman’s presence by giving her a job. You moron.


Insane In The Membrane

Boy this Robbie Williams guy is going “cuckoo for Cocoa puffs” over this UFO business. I’ve told you before how he was planning to buy property in the desert to search the stars for the hot rods of the Gods. Now he’s co-produced a documentary to be broadcast on BBC radio.

The star is to present a radio documentary about extra terrestrials that's he's made with documentary maker Jon Ronson. The pair recorded it earlier this year near Robbie's home in Los Angeles and at a UFO conference in Nevada. Source Here

Hmmm… maybe this guy should get back in the studio and record some songs before people start to peg him as a nutcase. I know I’m beginning to have my doubts.


Obama says ,Tis But A Scratch, I’ve Had Worse

It would appear that John Cleese want’s to offer his services to Barack Obama as his speechwriter. Well if this is true, think how much livelier he would be at rallies or debates. Just imagine.

Doc. B.: Senator Obama, what do you say to those who ask why you supported Bush in the war in Iraq?

Obama: I didn’t support the war in Iraq.

Doc. B.: Sir, I have the senate report in front of me and it records that you did indeed vote to support the war.

Obama: No it doesn’t

Doc. B.: Sir it does

Obama: No it doesn’t

Doc. B.: Yes it Does

Obama: No it doesn’t

Doc. B.: Yes it Does

Obama: Doesn’t

Doc. B.: Does

Obama: Doesn’t

Doc. B.: Senator all you are doing is contradicting me now.

Obama: No I’m not

Doc. B.: Yes you are

Obama: No I’m not

Doc. B.: Oh, never mind. And now for something completely different.


B-Listers On Parade

If I were to say Pamela Anderson, Ben Affleck, Marcia Cross, Perez Hilton, Lauren Conrad, and Hayden Panettiere all in one place, you’d think “Scary Movie 12” right. Nope, this incredibly, distinguished bunch have been invited to the White House. They are among the celebs on the list to attend the White House Press Correspondents Association Dinner on April 26.
I guess Carmen Electra. George Hamilton, Shannon Doherty, and Ron Jeremy declined the offer. Source Here


Well that’s it folks. I gotta go see a dog about a pair of monkeys.

Doc. B. Gone baby, gone.