Lesbians dig accents, Lilo turns down the bunny ears. Tonight on the Hump!

Heidi Ho folks, Doc B here
Well , that was a close one. Were it not for my faithful pets, I would not be living on God’s green earth right now. They saved my life,...again. I’ll elaborate in an upcoming post, but now, without further ado, here’s the news.

But first.
“Censors tend to do what only psychotics do: they confuse reality with illusion.”
David Cronenberg.


What do you say to an exposed nipple?

While I was away, the puritan nature of the U.S. censors reared its ugly head again. Actress Eva Mendes had a commercial she shot for Calvin Klein pulled from American airwaves. Whatever could have been so offensive that the censors felt they had to step in?
“Eva revealed: “I was rolling around in bed for the commercial spot and I had a little situation.
“One of my girls (boobs) wanted to say hello... “
Hi, how are you doing? ........There, was that so hard? Being polite. The friendly little nipple only wanted to say Hi. There is absolutely nothing unusual about it. I’m greeted by nipples all day long, everywhere I go. Some say hello, others are just getting a little sun. Some are slightly claustrophobic, while others seem to be giving directions. Still there’s no cause to fear them, or be offended by them. They are benevolent, and they mean us no harm.
Eva went on to explain just how.. her nipple happened to greet the camera.
"Basically, I had a nipple slippage and it made the commercial cut because it was so natural and so beautiful and it was very quick”.
I like this girl. She’s got beautiful nipples and she’s proud of it. So many of today’s young stars suffer from low self esteem caused by nipple- phobic disorder, or L.S.N.P.D., as the shrinks like to call it. Some (i.e. Janet Jackson) feel insecure, or in-adequate about the appearance of their nipples and will self- mutilate themselves by piercing holes in them and attaching gaudy trinkets, or large ornaments to hang off them. Much like a Christmas tree. But I digress. Back to Eva and her friendly nipple. The censors pulled the ad. Even though her nipple had been most genial, and even by Eva’s own admission, beautiful, they still pulled the ad. It all just seems so... un-American, doesn’t it?........Very puzzling.
Eva laments the hypocrisy of it all, "We can show guns everywhere and stuff but we can't show a woman's nipple - that's a bit backwards to me.” ............................Nuff said!
Source here


Lilo Passes Up Honour

With Playboys big anniversary coming up, you’d think they would be after some big name, a big catch to appear in the mag. But no, it would appear the magazine has gone slumming.
'To mark Playboy's 55th anniversary in January, the magazine has approached Lindsay Lohan about doing a nude pictorial, Access Hollywood has confirmed"
. Lilo! Are you kidding me?! Lindsay freakin lesbian Lohan! Talk about setting the bar low huh. I guess they couldn’t get that noted sex siren, Amy Winehouse eh. Memo to Hef; Try selecting someone whose body we haven’t already seen half a dozen times.
Anyhow, this was the reply they received “She’d be happy to do the cover, but no nudity,” Lohan’s rep told Access.
Ouch! Shot down in flames by a used up, never was starlet whose only claim to fame nowadays is her lesbian relationship with a homelier Robert Downey JR lookalike. That’s got to hurt.
Yes indeed, these are hard times for Playboy. When Lilo turns down $ 700 000 to appear in your magazine even though she could really use the scratch, you should come to realize you are no longer relevant.
Hmm... I’m a little bit shocked that Lindsay didn’t jump at the opportunity. Perhaps she has become more selective about her career choices, but I think she was miffed that Playboy didn’t offer her a $ million dollars. So who should Playboy set their sights on next? I’ve got an idea of who they should go after. The lovely Eva Mendes and her friendly nipples, that’s who. Source here



Eureka

It seems Elizabeth Banks , star of Kevin Smith's "Zack and Miri Make a Porno," has a beef with the censors.
Better get in line sister.

She says, “There’s nothing worse in 'Zack and Miri' than there was in 'Saw II,' and that got an R rating . . . If I cut your throat and blood spews all over my face, it's an R. But if we have a lovely time together and you spew something else on my face, it's an NC-17.”
What does she mean by a lovely time? Does she mean going sailing? And what would I be spewing? Champagne? I’m confused. She’s so vague. What lovely situation would I be in where I would be spewing something? And what would I spew? Popcorn? Reese’s pieces? Corn? Sautéed caramel mushrooms? What!!!??? Tell me! Bad f**king language? Hatred? Bodily fluids? Vile.....hey wait a minute. Bodily fluids. That’s it! It’s c#m! I get it! I get it!...............Eewwww! Source here



Headlines that Scream Hilarity

Police say Gary Coleman involved in accident : They let him go after he said, Whatcha talking bout Willis? It’s still comic gold.

Madonna dedicates 'Like a Virgin' to pope : (sigh) Will everyone please tell Madonna that we haven’t (unfortunately) forgotten her, so she can stop trying so hard now.

Jessica Simpson sings at Grand Ole Opry: And this just in: pigs can fly


David Spade fathers Playboy pinup’s baby: She’s 61 years old, but all the gentlemen at Sunny Meadows rest home were trying to land her, so congrats David.

Helen Mirren: I used to ‘love’ cocaine :she sorta still does, but the magic is gone

Oprah in talks to guest star on ‘30 Rock’ : Guest star! Must be a typo.

Jessica Simpson to put acting career on hold : Thanks god for answering my prayers. Now how about that bigger pecker,... Huh!

Tidbits: Britney admits her father saved her life : He saved her a fortune by switching to Afflack

Scoop: Tim Gunn calls Miley Cyrus ‘tarty’ : Geez what a potty mouth on this f**king doucebag

Scoop: Will new ‘Idol’ judge cover for absent Paula?: Cover for Paula? I doubt it, those are pretty big pill bottles to fill

Tidbits: Lindsay Lohan weighs in on Bristol Palin : Finally! An informed opinion


Tidbits: Hartnett’s accidental sex tape : Gee I hope the tape doesn't feel unwanted growing up
Source here



Pop Culture Update

17 mins into the MTV music video awards and nothing’s happened. They’ve got nothing. Russell Brand makes me pine for Ryan Seacrest’s witty banter. It’s official, the MTV mva’s are dead. Switching over to Showcase now.



With Love, From Mom

Is it too late for nominations for Mom of the Year? If not, I nominate Lynne Spears. A woman who really protects her children, and has earned their trust. So to help out all the loser moms worldwide, Lynne has written a book chronicling her experiences in raising her children. Here’s an excerpt; “In a tell-all book, Spears' mother, Lynne, reveals her daughter surrendered her chastity to a high school football stud when she was just 14.
Hmmm....I’m sure that must be an interesting chapter, most likely an examination of how to score with the right crowd. High school can be very trying if you don’t run with the in crowd. Besides, what are you going to do; kids misbehave every now and then. I’m sure that was the only hiccup that occurred with Britney. “Mama Spears, 53, also dishes that the pop icon took a liking to booze when she was a 13-year-old Mouseketeer and began experimenting with drugs at 15.
By age 16, Britney's wild-child behavior stunned her family when she was caught with cocaine and marijuana on a private jet, Lynn Spears claims”. .............Doh! ....I rescind my nomination! Source here


F**k Me Pumps

Congratulations Rachel Weisz, you are Hollywood’s sexiest woman.
“Actress Rachel Weisz has topped a poll of Hollywood’s sexiest women, voted by lesbians”.
Oh, ....by lesbians....well that’s still nice. It might give one pause the next time they’re changing at the gym however, but it’s all good. The other big winners in the top 10 were Nicole Kidman, Minnie Driver, Kate Winslet, Naomi Watts, Keira Knightley, Thandie Newton, Emily Blunt, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Cate Blanchett. Hmmm.... did you folks happen to notice anything peculiar about that list? All the women on the list have accents. They are all British or Australian.............Yup even though they are lesbians,...chicks still dig accents. Somewhere, right about now, Hugh Grant is shaving his legs while trying to decide which skirt to wear with his f**k me pumps. Source here



Portrait of a crazy psycho bitch ex-girlfriend/wife

Denise Richards flickering flame of fame is beginning to wane. (Say that 10 times really fast.) You can?
Show-off! Anyhow, Denise must be feeling a lower tax bracket coming her way because she appears to be chasing after Richie Sambora again.
“Insiders say Denise started phoning and texting Richie nonstop, begging him to rekindle their romance, and he talked to her patiently at first – telling her he’s just not interested, and has a new relationship cooking”. Translation: Get away from me you lying, crazy-assed, psycho bitch! And no you cannot have some of my sperm! Hmmm...I wonder what her next move will be? ......Ooh ooh, I know,... the old fake suicide attempt. In her mind, it makes perfect sense, and is completely justifiable. Then again, she is bat-sh*t crazy! Source here

Well thats all folks, I gotta go clean up the dead raccoons in my bed...............It’s a long story, don’t ask.
Doc B. Gone baby gone