Stay Still Dogg, Cruise-A-Palooza

Heidi-Ho folks, Doc. B. here,

Well, Lance did get arrested and he didn’t even call to let me know. Apparently he used his one phone call to call Antonio instead. I didn’t even know Antonio had a cell phone. It would seem he sent Lance’s bail via Western Union, so he got out. Stupid ass has gone back to St-Catherine Street to wait for the parade, again, what an idiot. Here’s the news

But first…


“I dislike modern memoirs. They are generally written by people who have either entirely lost their memories, or have never done anything worth remembering.”
“Oscar Wilde”


My Life, In Crayon

Tween phenom Miley Cyrus is going to be releasing her memoirs. Fans can expect the inside scoop on her first “mullet” haircut, losing her first tooth, (spoiler alert) discovering that there is no Santa Claus, and her first love (Elmo) Shouldn’t she abuse drugs or alcohol, get married, divorced and all that first. I mean come on. Source Here


Stay Still Dogg

Look folks, I don’t care one way or another whether Snoop Dogg is allowed into Britain or not, but come on! Make up your friggin mind and let’s move on shall we.
The hip hop star - real name Calvin Broadus Jr. - was banned from entering the country after he was involved in a brawl at Heathrow Airport in April 2006.
Ok good that’s that then right?
That ruling was overturned in January this year after immigration judge Nehar Bird ruled there was no evidence the star had been responsible for any public disorder.
No evidence, so he’s innocent, case closed right?
Britain's Border Agency challenged the decision.
Are we done yet, huh, Huh!
But that in turn was overruled yesterday when another senior immigration judge, George Warr, said he did not find that Judge Bird had overlooked evidence or made a material error of law.
Won’t get fooled again.
The Home Office has until 30 April to decided whether to appeal.
Why would Snoop wanna go there anyway’s, the weather’s lousy, the food sucks, and then there’s the whole issue surrounding their teeth. (Big, gangly, snarly ole teeth) Haven’t heard the end of this yet.
Source Here


Wasn’t Me

Jackass star Stevie-O pleaded innocent to charges of cocaine possession. Hmmm, this better not be a jury case, cause I imagine It’ll be hard to find many people who don’t think he was hopped up on something. He should tell them he was on a Red Bull and Grey Goose high. I hear that’s the “it” thing to do this day’s. Of course he could just show them clips of the show Jackass and they would surely find him not guilty for reason of insanity. Source Here


Hurricane Hooker

That awful shrew, Heather Mills is back in the tabloids. Denise Hewitt, claims that she and Hurricane Heather were high priced hookers in the years before she met Paul McCartney. Denise say’s that Heather had a talent for manipulating men. So dear readers, what have I been saying all along. She not just bad news, she’s a plague right out of the bible, and now, Thanks to Trump, she’s on our side of the pond. There must be some kind of ceremony we could perform to expel her from our shores. I’ll call Shirley McClain and I’ll get back to you later folks with a plan. Source Here


Cruise-A-Palooza

Extra thick foam, check.
Super strong steel coils’ check.
Stain and water repellent fabric, check.
Fast tracking camera, check.
What is all this you ask? Why it’s Oprah’s “set decorators list to make sure the couch can withstand another visit from Tom Cruise. The world waits with baited breath to see what bizarre behaviour happens this time.I hope Tommy Too Much doesn’t disappoint. Source Here


Terrell Owens Shy?

Rumours of Cowboys receiver Terrell Owensin a cameo in a porn film is false. He apparently walked into a shoot by accident. (It, happens all the time right?) Anyhow here’s the statement from his attorney
The beaming Owens was unaware when the snapshot was taken that it would appear on the web or link him to the adult entertainment industry, said the two-page letter.
Anyhow, pornos are more fun when there’s lots of action, Owens past history suggest the camera would be focused solely on Terrell as he makes love to himself. Source Here


Smooth As A Baby’s Bottom

Harrison Ford really really cares about the planet.
Harrison Ford has had his chest waxed to highlight the problem of deforestation.
The Hollywood star - who is the Vice Chairman of environmental group Conservation International – underwent the hair removal treatment in a bid to shock people into going ‘green’.
Now if only other celebs like Rosie O’Donnell and Amy Winehouse would follow suit, it’d be progress. Seriously though, I helped my brother Lance wax his chest once, but I made a slight error and the fireman had to be called in with the jaws of life to free Lance from the table. To this day, he won’t take his shirt off around me. Hmm… Source Here


Well that’s it folks, I gotta go change my locks, so Lance will think he’s at the wrong house.

Doc. B. Gone baby, gone

Lindsay Smacks Down Ashley + Penguins Attack

Heidi-Ho folks, Doc. B. here,

Well, I thought Lance would be back now after discovering that there’s no parade. Especially after the riot… oh man, the riot, excuse me, here’s the news.

But first…

“The world revolves around sex. But that doesn't mean that youngsters should sleep around willy-nilly. I'm all for trial marriages. The wedding of two virgins starts off with a huge handicap.”
“Sean Connery”


Au Natural For Kelly

Kelly Clarkson sounds like a woman after my own heart. She apparently walks around butt naked all the time when she’s at her house. (Note to self, buy star map + binoculars) And not just her girlfriends get a look at the melons and pie, but total strangers, Jehovah Witnesses’, boy scouts earning merit badges, the pool cleaner, the paperboy, everyone (Note to self, bring a vacuum to sell at Kelly’s) the reason for all this garden of Eden behaviour “I just really like being naked” says Kelly. Who doesn’t? I’m writing this post au natural, right now, at Starbucks (P.S. careful. the coffee is really hot.) Source Here


Tumble Dry

A man from Kansas has been convicted of child endangerment. He apparently burned his girlfriend kids in a hot clothes dryer. He explained it this way.
Pritchard said he was just trying to show them they could have fun without necessarily spending money.
Makes sense. My dad used to save money the same way. We couldn’t afford the gas to go to the pool so he taught us to dive in the bathtub. After losing about seven teeth of so, Lance and I became quite adept at the art of the shallow dive. Source Here


And The Emmy Goes To

Emmy’s to give reality TV host their own award. Hope they go to commercial break just before they open the envelope. Source Here


Lindsay Lohan: Loaded

It seems that Lilo gets awfully green around the gills when someone gets a little to close to her galpal, lover, confidante, hanger-on, loser D.J. wannabee Samantha Ronson. Apparently Ashley Olsen (Is that the anorexic one or the fat one?) tried to say hello or something and Lindsay got all up in her face. She told the Twin
“Get your 15-year-old 'Full House' a - - away from my girlfriend,
Hmmm… me thinks she over reacted a bit much. Then after Ashley made some comment about Lilo’s fat looking Marilyn Monroe pics, Lindsay really flipped her lid. She screamed, Oh yeah be-yotch, I’m about to go “Mean Girls” on your bony ass (I guess Ashley is the bulimic one, so that means Mary Kate’s the porker) However, Ashley stood her ground and Lilo continued. Ok skank, your about to get some “Freaky Friday” shit upside your head. Again, Ashley stood her ground. Lilo pulled a 9mm from between her legs and put the barrel against Ashley’s temple. Do you feel lucky bitch she snarled. Well do you. Ashley backed off and went to the washroom to puke, (as usual) and wasn’t seen the rest of the night. Before passing out, Lilo could be heard muttering that ,that would teach her for moving in on my piece of ass.
IMPORTANT: Some portions of this story have not been confirmed. Source Here


Is Al Gore A Pawn Of The Penguins

Al Gore is planning another movie on the environment. He says, I made the movie in 2006. Sure, awareness has grown and more people are concerned since scientists said we had just ten years to take action to halt rising sea levels. But the situation has got worse. The entire North Polar ice cap is melting and could be gone in some areas in as little as five years.”
Ice caps melting, my foot. This is nothing but some sketchy propaganda pushed forward by a very powerful lobby group, the penguins .Yes, I know, I know they look really cute and all in that “March of the Penguins” movie, but they are in fact the most feared group in Washington. No one running for office wants to be smeared by the penguins lobbyist as being soft on the eco-crisis. What’s that you say?You’re not buying it.Well who do you think was behind JFK getting elected?
JFK was in deep with the penguins, and with the seals. He was playing both sides of this issue and the penguins found out and that got him killed. I’ve heard stories from people who claim they are being targeted by the pen’s. They say they’ve never actually seen them but, when they come home the air conditioning is all the way up and the house smell sof fish. Coincidence, I think not, keep your eyes pointed down and your nostrils clear, you won’t see them till it’s too late. Source Here


Knockout Naomi And Ugly Betty

Ever in demand, Naomi Campbell is set to appear in the last episode of the ABC show “ugly Betty” geez, what a horrible title, why would anyone want to appear on TV with such a ghastly title. I googled it to see what it looks like and got a load of the main character. Upon further examination, I understand why they call the show the way they do. Brrr… chilling. However, Naomi being such a gracious and kind-hearted soul, will appear nonetheless. Rating should skyrocket with such a beautiful creature gracing the show. Hmmm… it says here that the shows been on a while, and doe’s well in the rating, go figure, there’s no accounting for taste, I guess.


Refund Please

A Malaysian woman has sued her husband over the loss of her virginity. Hmmm… you’d think it’d be the other way around.


Well I gotta make some phone calls, see if I can find out what kind of mess Lance stepped in now.

Doc. B. Gone baby, gone.

Harrison Ford Posse, Spaghetti Sex, Lilo’s Drunk…Again

How’s it going folks, Doc. B. here,

I’m in such a good mood now that my Montreal Canadians have advanced to the next round. Luis the cat ain’t got much to say to me now that his Bruins have been eliminated. I won a wager I made with him on the series and tomorrow he has to go outside with his fur dyed Bleu, Blanc, Rouge, the color of the Canadians. My brother Lance was so out of it again, that he thought we won the Stanley cup and has already gone downtown to get good spot for the parade, that isn’t going to happen. I guess I’ll let him sleep there overnight, and pick him up in the morning on the way to my painting class. Tomorrow, we’re painting a nude woman. I hope she’s not ticklish. Anyhow, here’s the news.

But first…


“It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you place the blame”
“Oscar Wilde”


Al Denté Sex

You thought Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke’s sex scene in the kitchen in “9 ½ weeks” sizzled, then you will want to circle this on your calendar.
Elijah Wood has sex while covered in spaghetti in his new movie.
The actor romps with co-star Leonor Watling in The Oxford Murders, and admits he had a lot of fun shooting his bizarre first on screen love scene.
Spaghetti sounds kinky right. Well you haven’t lived until you do it with meatloaf. Yeah, that’s right, you’re getting the picture. Yummy huh. Source Here


Harrison Ford Hangs With His Posse

Harrison Ford admits that he had to knock back a few before he could work up the courage to get his ear pierced like his cool buddies Ed Bradley and Jimmy Buffet!??! No comment from Ford on what he had done after getting drunk with the women of “the View”. Hmm… with those gals anything’s possible. Tummy tuck, bit of lipo, some collagen perhaps. We’ll never know I guess. (Harrison should avoid drinking with Marilyn Manson, that could be bad). Source Here


Gracious Goddess

The lovely and humble Naomi Campbell has taken the high road again. While at the airport to grab a flight out of London, Naomi noticed the two Airport cops who gave her such a hard time. She graciously took time to stop and make amends. What a classy lady. Those two white honky cops should be just thankful that the beautiful and talented Naomi even acknowledges their existence. Source Here


Is It Cold In Here

Weenie alert for people who shock easily at the sight of the some Franks and Beans. Actor/writer Jason Seagal shows us the “Big Lebowski” in the new film “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”, another raunchy comedy from the Judd Apatow factory (there seems to be one for every season) anyhow this is how the snake escapes.
In the opening scenes, Segel's character misinterprets the reason for his girlfriend's urgent visit. Instead of a roll in the hay -- and he has completely disrobed in preparation -- Sarah Marshall has come to dump him. Utterly distraught, he doesn't cover up for Marshall (Kristen Bell) -- or for the camera.
This happened to me once, the exact same result. Just me and my little Felipé hanging out. The only difference is it happened to me in a restaurant… Awkward. Source Here


Shia Pet

Shia Labeouf, star of a little seen movie called “Transformers” was overheard at some hotspot complaining. "How do I get a girl to go home with me?"
Well, first change your name, what girl wants to go home with someone named after a plant that grows out of a ceramic dog. 2nd, quit your friggin whining, no girl likes a needy, neurotic dweeb, and 3rd, and this is extremely important, grow a set of balls. Source Here


Banned In Bubbahump Land

Matthew McConaughey reveals what word was banned from his household.
“When I was growing up, we couldn’t say the word ‘can’t’. If we did my dad would say, ‘I beg your pardon, did you say you were having trouble?’ So it would be, ‘Yes sir, that’s what I said’.
We never used the word can’t in the Bubbahump household either. We used “WON’T”.
Source Here


Lilo’s Falling Down Again

Lindsay Lohan has been drinking again and it wasn’t pretty. Lilo, who’s determined to win an Oscar before she’s 25 (Cuckoo!) was at the “Hawaiin Tropic Zone” chugging Red Bulls and Grey Goose Vodka. You’d think she’d be a little less conspicuous but there’s no stopping the “Lilo Effect” once it’s in high gear. What is it with these celebs, they drink Red Bull to gain energy then drink Vodka to sedate themselves at the same time. Why don’t they just make up their mind and choose a state of mind already. Humph, youth is wasted on the clueless. Source Here


Well that’s it folks. I gotta go help Bruce, stupid dog has got his head stuck in the toilet again.

Doc. B. Gone baby, gone.

Weekend Round Up: Tom, Madonna, Lilo, Martha, Akon, And More.

Heidi-Ho folks Doc. B. here,

I’ve got Luis the cat locked in the other room so he can’t taunt me anymore. Lance is sleeping as usual so all is quiet in the house and the big weekend roundup is upon us, so let’s get busy.

But first…

“I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.”
“Groucho Marx”


Rodriguez’s Sexuality Still In Doubt

Just the other day, Michelle Rodriguez was comparing columnist to swine. Let see what’s on her mind today.
"I'm currently paying my debts to society with some highway clean up, as well as working on Fast and Furious Four briefly, sharpening up on some proper Spanish for my passion project Tropico de Sangre, and in June I'll be taking off to Italy to write my long awaited first feature film project."
I wonder if that film is about pigs jerking off, or Michelle doing the “Nasty” with her pooch. Guess we’ll have to buy a ticket to find out. And no, Michelle, I’ll never let you forget it. By the way, are you still a lesbian this week? Source Here


A Hairy Situation

Just another reason why girls from Michigan aren’t as popular as girls from California.
Mary Lynn Rajskub explains what a boyfriend hoped of her umm… “love area”. "Shaving around the thing, maybe," Rajskub said. "But I'm not waxing down there. I'm from Michigan!"
Guess it’s a comb-over then. Source Here


Crazy Ass Madonna And Tommy Too Much

Madonna made a comparison between the orphans in Malawi and Tom Cruise. Apparently they are both getting “a raw deal.” Leaving aside the fact that Madonna will say the most bat-shit, crazy ass thought that pops in her head. This is Tom Cruise she’s trying to defend here!? The guy has turned into a walking, talking example of someone with their head so far up their ass, they have to open their fly to see where they’re going. Any second now, I expect to see his head explode while working the red carpet. Still, the nerve of Madonna comparing those orphans to Tom. They don’t have the humiliation Tom carries with knowing that, that Oprah clip lives on forever on YouTube. I watch it every day to reaffirm myself.
Source Here


Paw Paw’s Death Worries Staff

I was wondering what it would be like to have to be in the presence of Martha Stewart after this quote I read.
She goes on to call her beloved pet "elegant and kind and reserved and charming up until the very last moment. He was the only pet I ever had, with the exception of Blue Maximilian Chow Chow Chow, who was never disobedient, and never, ever, required me to raise my voice."
As opposed to her staff whom she must constantly bark orders at, many times over. They continue to pee on the floor every little time Martha flays off some flesh with her tongue lashings. The staff so completely disappoints Martha that she is at a loss and is considering sending them to obedience school. They can’t even get the stains off her coffee tables it’s the “grain of the wood”, they insist. Rubbish, Martha Scoffs. The staff now worry that without Paw Paw’s calm and elegant demeanour in the house, Martha will become even more unreasonable. A bunch of whiners , if you ask me. Source Here


Happy Horny Aussie Songs

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd of Australia has a song that has been released. At first the title seemed innocent enough “From Little Things Big Things Grow.” Like buds that blossom, or caterpillars to Monarch butterflies right. That’s what I thought until I saw where the proceeds are going. The Get Up’s Reconciliation Fund. It’s another friggin Viagra ad. Those crafty Aussies, they nearly pulled one over on old Doc. B. there. “From Little Things Big Things Grow.” Indeed. How could I be so gullible. Those Aussies only have one thing on the their minds, and it’s not Koala’s. (By the way, did you know that Koala’s are marsupials?) Koala’s, kangaroos, dingo’s. Australia’s full of freaky deaky shit isn’t it. And now politicians hawking Viagra. Humph. Source Here


The Check Is In The Mail

Sting is being sued by a chef who says “Roxanne” and “Message In A Bottle” were songs he helped sting create.
Roy Smith, 48, says he met the singer in 1977 or 1978 and told him about an ex-girlfriend called Roxanne, who was a prostitute.
He also explained how he once wrote a message to his mother, put it in a bottle and threw it into the sea.
Well, good luck Mr. Smith. I speak from experience, so I know how difficult it is to win these types of subjective court cases. I’ve yet to see a dime from the “Village People” about my experiences “In The Navy” or the autobiographical “Macho Man.” Cheap bastards. Source Here


Harry Potter Actor Craps All Over Lilo

Harry Potter star Rupert Grint thinks there’s something wrong with Lindsay Lohan, I gather after reading this. "I met Lindsay last summer and she talked about herself a lot. She said she was going to win an Oscar before she turns 25.”
OMG does Taco Bell ever burn when you pass it thru your nose. An Oscar by 25! I very nearly died from choking on my gordidta after reading that gem. Something tells me that Lindsay has more chances ending up in the “In Memoriam” segment, than actually accepting a statuette.
Rupert then says that girls like Lilo and Paris are the types one should avoid (why!?) Honestly, Rupert sure found an easy enough target to rag about. That’s kind of low if you ask me…. Let’s move on.
Source Here


Akon’s Dubious Past: Why Bother?

Apparently hip hop singer Akon made up a lot about his past, in an effort to appear more “street” cred worthy, It’s a sad state of affairs when one must assume another persona to do what one wishes to succeed in. He should just come clean on how clean he really is. Stop hiding behind a name, a mask as it were, and proclaim you’re true identity. Only then will you enjoy the contentment and peace of mind that I, your humble Doctor Bubbahump enjoys, free of the mask. Either that or you could take your gat and get busy. In 2 years you’ll probably be a footnote in pop music history, like Coolio or Tone Loc anyways.
Source Here


Another Reasons Why Prozac’s So Popular

Another reason why we’re all doomed. Are you like me, fellow readers, you look up at all the stars in space and wonder “I wonder if one of those F#&@ers is gonna hit us”. You do? Well then you’ll find this bit of news very reassuring. A thirteen year old German boy has corrected the math of N.A.S.A. scientists on the possibility of a meteor that might hit earth is more likely than the scientist calculated. (That should make shuttle pilots shit a brick every time they strap in!) The result if it hits us, you ask, it will create a ball of iron and iridium 320 metres wide and weighing 200 billion tonnes, which will crash into the Atlantic Ocean. The shockwaves from that would create huge tsunami waves, destroying both coastlines and inland areas, whilst creating a thick cloud of dust that would darken the skies indefinitely.
I know I’ll sleep well tonight knowing our future could very well lie in the hands of school children everywhere, not too busy chatting or surfing for big boobies. Source Here


Well that’s enough of that. I gotta go scrape the oven, Lance was cooking and, well, there was a little fire. It was due to be cleaned anyways.

Doc. B. Gone baby, gone.