Speed Bumps and Pizza, Are the Death of a Couple

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here

There isn't much I can say, save to tell you that I have been captured. I have been allowed to post, but nothing much else really. These men in hoods mean business. Anyhow here's the news


But first…

“People always get tired of one another. I grow tired of myself whenever I am left alone for ten minutes, and I am certain that I am fonder of myself than anyone can be of another person.”
“George Bernard Shaw”


Speed Bumps and Pizza, Are the Death of a Couple

Aww... gee whiz, there seems to be some speed bumps on Jamie Lynn Spears's way to a blissful perfect life .“Jamie Lynn and Casey have been fighting non-stop about everything, from what to name the baby to what to eat for dinner,” a source told the magazine. “And now she's called off their wedding plans.” Yeah, I hear it was getting pretty ugly. He wanted to eat Red Barons Thin Crust Sausage and Pepperoni and she was dead set on having a Freschetta Brick Oven Spinach and Mushroom pizza. Personally I think they both should be eating a Tombstone pizza, to signify where this relationship is headed. This must be how they do things in Louisiana, it must be some kind of culture gap. Where I'm from you usually get married, have a kid and after a few years of indifference, get a divorce . Not the other way around. They sure do things ass backwards in Louisiana. Still, it's pretty funny that they think that this is going to work. They' were too young and stupid to use protection and truly understand the consequences. God knows I don't know why nine months later they would think they'll be any wiser. And on a selfish note, I hope somebody divulges the names they've been throwning around to call the baby. Call me curious. Source Here


The Olsons, Prunes, Creepy Old Brit Dude

Secretly, I have always wondered what celebs to perfect their smiles for the cameras. A source close to the Olsen twins has leaked out their secret.
It's prunes. Yes prunes. You know, the kind your mom used to give you when you were having a little problem with # 2 , and you never wanted to eat them because the insides were all so mushy and soft,. And they certainly looked a lot like the problem you were trying to fix, which made putting them into your mouth that much more difficult. Didn't it? But I digress. Anyhow, a source close to the Twins says “Every time they pose and smile, they say the word ‘prune,’”. Jeez, they must a spent hours going through the dictionary practicing in front of the mirror, to see which words formed the perfect smile. So I said to myself, self, if it's good enough for Mary Kate and Ashley, then dammit to hell, it's good enough for me! The funny thing is though, when I practice it in front of the mirror and say the word prune, my chin juts down and out, and my lips pucker together like they would if I was trying to (not) kiss my aunt with the big, fat , hairy mole on her cheek. It's really not a good look for me. I'll have to get a dictionary and keep working on it, I'll let you folks know how it's working out. Oh, and by the way, Mary Kate is actually going to turn up in a movie soon. The film is called The Wackness, (I'm just going to let that one alone) and it stars none other than Brit actor Ben Kingsley. Apparently they share some pretty steamy scenes together in the movie (including one in a phone booth) and Kingsley tells Elle about working with Mary Kate.“She was a joy to work with... I was quite taken by her, especially how astute she is about art. We spent a lot of time between takes talking about her art collection,” Humph, yet I just bet he was interested in her art collection. That's always a Brit's angle, everybody thinks they're so refined and dignified. Smokescreen people, nothing but a smokescreen ... he's just a filthy old coot dressed in a nicer suit! Source Here


Thrifty and sexy, what a combination

In a recent post I told you about Mariah Carey and her husband what's his name were accepting gifts despite the lack of a wedding. Now comes word that the reason there was no second wedding on this side of the Atlantic, is because they couldn't find anyone who would pony up enough cash for photo's of the event. “Mariah was willing to pay for the wedding, but the way she hoped to pay for the wedding was through the sale of photos. No one was interested,” the source revealed. Oooh, that Mariah is a smart and thrifty woman. I'm surprised in this current market that there wasn't anyone willing to put up the dough. I mean come on, what's the price up to now for Brad and Angie's baby photos huh! Still, there's time and you know what they say there's a sucker born every minute. Source Here


Seriously, Shut up Now!

Chris Martin really does know when to shut up folks. And it's becoming quite clear that, that little mechanism in our brains. You know that thing, the thing that actually stops you from saying something completely stupid, embarrassing, awkward, and just plain wrong? You know, it's called common sense. Well Chris ain't got one. In a recent post, I pleaded with Chris to seek help, to enter rehab, and deal with his addiction. But as the days go by it's becoming clear, very clear, that an intervention will be needed it's gotten to the point that Chris can't even answer to simplest of questions anymore. At least not without subtlely endorsing a lifestyle that could very well be harmful to one's self. Every day now while promoting Coldplay's newest album, Chris reveals a little more about his sordid junkie habits.When asked to name his favourite chocolate bar, Chris said: “Any chocolate – it’s like crack you know - you can never have a bad one.” Gee Chris I'm sorry, but I don't know. And quite frankly I don't want to know! You're sick man, sick. Pretty soon the band is going to have to hire a babysitter for this jerk. If you're going to persist in not seeking help Chris, you should really just shut up and stop poisoning the minds of all the impressionable kids out there. It's disgraceful. How did Gwyneth Paltrow ever fall for such a loser like him? You know he's British don't you folks? Smokescreen, nothing but a smokescreen I tells you. He makes me sick to my stomach, let's move on shall we. Source Here


No Seriously, Shut up Now Part Two

More antisocial behavior from Chris Martin, this time a radio interview for something called Radio Four's Front Row . It seems all the drugs he's doing is making it hard for us him to sit still and they hate what proper manners. According to BBC News Online, Martin appeared uncomfortable with the interview from the outset. When asked if the album's full title Viva La Vida Or Death To All His Friends - was a morbid reflection of the band's lyrical obsession with death.
Martin snapped back :"I wouldn't agree with you there at all, no. I'd say you're journalistically twisting me into saying something I don't really mean." And with that, Chris bolted out of the room in search of chocolate and crack cocaine. Like I said before folks, that little mechanism in his brain, it ain't working....
Shut up Chris, for God sake shut up! Source Here


Speedos and the Scum of the Earth

Mike Myers film The Love Guru had its premiere on Wednesday night, and costar Justin Timberlake was on hand. Hmm… this guy is a real comedian. Here's an example of him trying to crack wise, with a little helpfull advice for women. “The only thing women must do is keep away from the guy in the Speedo,” Timberlake offered.
Um... they don't need to be told about that Justin. I'm pretty sure that's one of the first examples of advice on men a mother gives to her daughter. They tell them to find one that's polite, courteous, gentlemanly, and has a job. And always, always stay away from the one with the speedo. They're nothing but scum, they're even worse than ex- members of boy bands. Source Here


Well that's it folks I gotta go. No really I gotta go, it's not like there's a gun at my head or anything. Now.

Doc B. Gone baby gone

Serious Demons Haunt Chris Martin / Ummm... Chocolate

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here,

Bruce found Bubbles alright, on the Internet. She's looking for mercenaries. Preferably ones who have fought the great simian beast of the Congo. This doesn't look good...
It's like she's putting together a unit to take on Antonio. Aw man! And I let the insurance slide on the house. Now what the hell do I do. Anyhow here's the news


But First…

“What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.”
“Dennis Miller”


She's Ovulating And She's Ready To Work

Somewhere in a hot and humid discotheque, a lightbulb just illuminated above Lindsay Lohan's head. It seems for some people, especially Mini Driver, getting knocked up was good for business. She's been hired to co-star with Uma Thurman in a movie to be called "Motherhood". It's probably some low budget movie that can even afford pillows as a prop. It seems like they would cast anybody as long as they were pregnant, to save a dime. So guys, keep your eyes peeled for Lilo , and be ready to score, because you know she needs to work and if getting preggers lands her job, then she's game. I've no doubt she'll approach it with the same reckless abandon as she does with everything else. She's a trooper that one. Source Here


Bunch Of Freeloading Moochers

I tell ya, Mariah Carey ain't no dummy. "Mariah's assistant, Gina, sent out over 100 e-mails to her wealthy friends letting them know that she's registered at Bergdorf Goodman if they want to buy her a present. It's odd because she's not even having a big wedding party or anything. Odd! What's so on odd that? I think she's pretty wise to skip the party and the reception and everything and just move on to the good stuff, the presents. Who needs a bunch of freeloading moochers, relatives you're embarrassed to admit your related to, her friends that are only there to try and land a husband, and his friends that are only there to get laid. These people should consider themselves lucky that she even e-mailed them, that she acknowledged their presence on this planet. If somehow you didn't receive your e-mail from Mariah she's registered at Bergdorf Goodman. I hear she needs some fine china. Source Here


Ummm... Chocolate

Do you remember that Hugh Hefner had a birthday a little while back. And that Pamela Anderson showed up. And she brought him his cake... sans wardrobe. (I got a lime green tie for my birthday.) Well now some more little details have come out, and I only have one question to put to you. Is Hugh Hefner one lucky son of a bitch or what? No it's not luck. It's a case of another genius who had the foresight and the drive, to make sure all men can see pretty blonde buxom babes boobies ! (boobies = genius).
The Hef has three live-in lovers, who love, respect, admire, lust after, and owe him. Oh how they owe him, for everything they've got. So it's only natural that they would give the Hef the best present they could think of, a piece of them. One of his girlfriends, Kendra Wilkinson (the smart one) gave him chocolate molded from her ass.She said: "We gave him chocolate body parts. We moulded our body parts and gave it to him, and he ate them all, I bet he did! I bet he did. I like to get me some chocolate. Damn I wish I had chocolate. Anyhow Kendra went on to illuminate the process behind it all.
"I moulded my a**, so I could call it 'chocolate starfish'. It was white chocolate, and I put a dark chocolate little thing right in the middle." What is this! German porn! Anyhow-I think I'll pass on the dark chocolate and just have the white chocolate thank you very much. Hey, what's the red Jell-O symbolize anyways. Never mind. I don't care, I'll have some anyways. There's always room for Jell-O. Source Here


Where Parallel Universes Meet

You know, once was funny, but now this is no joke people. He must be stopped. Who you ask? Well I'll tell you who, Clay Aiken that's who. “Clay and Jaymes are committed to having at least two children,” the insider says.". Humph... all he committed to, was a shot a sperm in a jar. You know I've always been a firm believer in that god has a plan. However, the fact that Clay will be a father has made me stop to pause. Somehow I don't think this was in his plans. This is like some kind of freak accident where time and parallel universes meet. And somehow, in this universe , Clay Aiken is fathering children, clearly in violation of God's plans. How do we go back to our universe, I mean come on, if God was on Clays side, wouldn't he have won Idol. I say if he's going to have children, he should be forced to do it the old-fashioned way. Maybe the thought of that will put him off these crazy ideas. We can only hope (and pray God's plan includes a lightning bolt) someone jolts some sense into him. Source Here


Demons Haunt Chris Martin

I know Chris Martin of the band Coldplay has a new album out and he has to promote it, but I'm beginning to think he should just shut up. It seems with each passing day he gets a little flakier, if that's even possible. The NY Post writes CHRIS Martin has a drug habit of sorts. "My problem is that I often take a sleeping pill in order to go to sleep, but then I get excited about a song, so I go and play music, and then it kind of kicks in halfway through,". Actually I have to thank Chris here. Now I know why all the songs seem to start off well enough but then wander on to absolutely nowhere. Still he does seem to just casually refer to a bad little habit he's developed, like it's amusing. Hmmm... I think I'd shut up now Chris. But no, he doesn't. He elaborates, telling Rolling Stone "I have a little corner where nobody can hear me in the middle of the night, and that's where I spend most of the nighttimes. I wake up the next morning and find these strange notes to myself . ."... hmm… I told him to shut up! You read me right folks. I told him. How pathetic, crouched down in the corner of a room in the middle of the night, sounds like someone battling some serious demons my friend. You need help. I mean, come on Chris, do I need to organize an Intervention here! Wake up man! ... Well what do you have two say for yourself.?. " I'm a little bit ashamed about it." Admits Chris. Humph, good man! Admitting you have a problem is the first step. Now shut up, go into damage control, and get into rehab. It's not an amusing story for an interview, it's a bleak portrait of a lonely man with a problem. Get help. Source Here


Well that's all there is folks I gotta go now, I got a get a message to Antonio and warn him of Bubbles plan.

Doc B. Gone baby gone

Next On Celebrity Circus, Someone Will Die

Heidi Ho folks Doc here

I've given up trying to find a disguise for myself since Antonio sent word that the mouse is sniffing the cheese . Whatever the hell that supposed to mean! Anyhow, I am to stay put and await his next message. So at least I have that to look forward to...... (!). Here's the news

But First…

“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.”
“ Mitch Hedberg”


Celebrity Circus ("Celebrity" Subject To Interpretation) Debuts On NBC

Have you heard about that upcoming TV show, Celebrity Circus? Well then, let me fill you in. NBC has decided to produce a show about people who are not circus performers but perform circus stunts, sounds simple enough, right? Then I guess someone had the bright idea that they could spice it up by using celebrities instead of just some John or Jane Doe that no one has ever heard of. The show which is set to premiere tomorrow, features well-known celebrities, such as (please keep your applause till the end of the announcement) Janet Evans (?), Blu Cantrell (??), Stacey Dash (tells me something), Antonio Sabato Jr., Rachel Hunter, and Wee Man (the vertically challenged dude from Jackass). What's that? You're less than impressed? Well, you are not alone. Seriously though, did they find these guys eating at the buffet table in Vegas or what? They may as well just have made a show about cops against firemen, or administration against production workers, supermodels against porn stars, and so on, and so on, and you get the picture. Anything would be more interesting than this bunch of losers. Right? Still, a show about people flying 30 feet in the air, sticking their heads in lions jaws, might be entertaining. No? We'll see because there has been quite a few mishaps in rehearsals leading up to the premiere so perhaps it will have a kinda car crash affect. Christopher Knight fractured his forearm while practicing with the German Wheel, a giant disc he failed to control. Stacey Dash cracked three ribs climbing "the silks," a length of fabric suspended 30 feet in the air. And during a rehearsal, Olympic swimmer Janet Evans fell 15 feet from a trapeze.
Well I guess it's to be expected when you're working with amateurs, they're not gymnasts after all. But you think there'd be a little more concerned for their safety. The show, which premieres tomorrow, provides the "highest safety measures," said our insider. Obviously! But don't they usually say the highest safety measures possible. He didn't say possible. Why didn't he say possible?
Hmmm... I think I will tune in tomorrow, maybe somebody will die. If I were one of these so called celebs I think I'd be on the phone to my agent, having him go over the contract to see if’s there’s a backdoor out of this, this, this... circus! Source Here


One Extra-Large Sombrero Please

Do you ever think sometimes these celebs are carrying things just a little too far. Just a teensy-weensy little bit too far! I sometimes do. Case in point. Kevin Spacey; actor and diva. "He's got bodyguards, several publicists, a makeup artist, a personal hairdresser, someone who's styling him," said an insider. "There are so many people, it's ridiculous."
A hairdresser! You're kidding right! Last time I looked, Kevin had joined the Gene Hackman hair club for men. What, does he needs someone for. To help him comb it over? And a stylist! A stylist!... Yeah right, what's he around for? To find hats big enough to fit on Kevin’s head, perhaps? Ahh… vanity. Source Here


A Fool Who Believes

Attention folks attention! All you Lilo supporters can stop buying her Lycra pantsuits to support her lifestyle, she found work. Which is lucky because, given her exploits over the last year, she's become pretty much uninsurable. Still there's always someone willing to take a chance, that’s Hollywood. The name of the film is called Labor Pains, here, one of the fools who is producing the movie , talks about Lindsay. "Lindsay is a tremendously talented actress," said Plum Pictures' Celine Rattray, who's co-producing the film. "We have spent a lot of time with her over the last three months, and she has really impressed us with her work ethic.
"She comes to every meeting 15 minutes early, to the point where she has shown up a few times before we were ready for her.” Um… Celine! That's only because she's eaten from your dumpster out back. You know, it's the one near the abandoned car that's been there forever. That car is where Lilo has been sleeping, she really, really, really needs this job. (Sigh) She's such a trooper. You go girl! Source Here


Well that's it folks I gotta go, someone just slid an envelope under the door, it must be a message from Antonio. I'll check, hold on one sec ………………………….. it's not from Antonio. It's from Bruce,... he's found Bubbles!

Doc B. gone baby gone

Robert Downey Jr. and the Whopper / Snoop Dogg's Secret to A Happy Marriage.

Heidi Ho Folks Doc B. Here

Well I ventured out of the house to try out my new disguise and it hasn't been going so good to tell you the truth. Women walk across the street to avoid me, and children are frightened. And OMG. I have been called t-bag 20 times today . One fella shouted, hey T-bag I hope you get sick and die you f***ing, molesting, piece of shit. (?????) what does that even mean? I guess it means karma back to the drawing board as far as my disguise goes. Oh well, here's the news.

But First…

"Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.”
"Homer Simpson"


For the Baby's Sake

Congratulations to actor Vin Diesel, a star of one of my favorite science fiction movies in recent years, Pitch Black . I say congratulations, because he welcomed a baby girl, he along with his girlfriend Paloma Jimenez (I didn't notice the name of the kid). In Touch Weekly reports that the baby was born on April 2. (April 2 !??). Well, a it would seem somebody's good at keeping secrets, they must have been out of the country for something. One thing's for sure, let's hope his baby girl looks like the mom, no offense dude. But you know what I mean ? Source Here


Diabetes Taste Good Don't It!

Hmmm... this sounds like a good idea for new ad campaign. Robert Downey Jr. has publicly thanked Burger King for helping him overcome his problems with addiction. The fast food chain, he says. That's fantastic I can see it now, the new Magic Whopper from Burger King. Eat like royalty and win back your sobriety! [$7.99 for the burger, $8.49 for the Trio] Burger King has finally got McDonald's by the balls, it's time to go for the jugular. With Robert Downey Jr.'s declaration, they can book a spot for a commercial during the Super Bowl broadcast, to roll out their new Kick It with the King campaign. (IT = Habit = $ = Subtle!?) For the first time in ever, ever! They can give the middle finger to the Golden Arches. And it's all thanks to Robert Downey Jr..
Uumm... the story continues and Robert Downey Jr. elaborates. The "Iron Man" star was driving a car piled with "tons of f---ing dope," Downey Jr. told Britain's Empire magazine. The actor decided to pull over for a burger and everything changed.
"I have to thank Burger King," he said. "It was such a disgusting burger I ordered. I had that, and this big soda, and I thought something really bad was going to happen." Downey Jr. says he then tossed all of his drugs into the ocean, deciding right then and there to clean up his act. Shit! There goes the Super Bowl spot.
What the hell can they run now as an ad! Eat at Burger King and you'll receive an epiphany that may change your life. Eat at Burger King, it beats eating nothing at all. No, with this publicity they'll have to be a little more daring in their approach. Something like, 'Dare to eat at Burger King where even coke fiends who have licked the drugs residue off a filthy public toilet cover, can't stomach our food.' Or maybe they should try, 'Heroin addicts , who lie in their feces all day after shooting up refuse to eat here. Aren't you better than a heroin addict!' They may as well advertise Diabetes Taste Good Don't It! Oh well let's move on. Source Here


Debbie Gibson Think She's Better Than the Rest of Us

The pop singer from the 80s, Debbie Gibson never struck me as arrogant before, however my opinion has changed after she said,"all of us former teen idols do have meltdowns. I just chose to have mine in private." Well, that just makes all the difference doesn't it? If you do it in private how are we to mock you? But you just had to be special, huh. You don't have to rub people faces in it you know. It shows a lack of maturity and pettiness. I'm taking you off my iPod. Oh, there is none, that was easy. Source Here


That's the secret

It looks here as if Snoop Dogg is barking out some orders to the former Destiny's Child singer and her husband Jay Z Snoop Dogg has ordered Beyonce Knowles to “start making babies”. Now if Snoop Dogg tells you to jump off the bridge, are you guys going to do that? Huh! No. If he tells you to smoke some weed are you gonna to do that too, no right? What's that? Oh he did? And you did?... so.. how's that working out? Well that's nice, I'm happy for you. What's that? No I'm not holding!
Anyhow Snoop Dogg gave us the lowdown on a happy marriage. He says,“Communication, and being able to fight and get back up - to have misunderstanding and then get some understanding – that’s the secret.” By get some understanding he means getting some weed. And the secret is to smoke it. And you won't feel like doing much of anything let alone argue, and therefore you have a blissful marriage. Source Here


No comment

It seems comic actor Jack Black believes he needs to shed a few pounds
He said: “When I saw my rear end in my nude scene in Margot at the Wedding, it actually had a double chin. I’ve joined a gym because the next time you see me naked I’ll be trim.” And then Jack added,“I want to feel good too. Now if I eat a cheeseburger and fries, it tastes so good at the time and then right after it’s like, ‘What did I do? Why?
Burger King would like to stress that they have never served Jack Black in any of its restaurants. On advice of attorney, we have no further comment at this time. Source Here


Woman Power

Jeez, a lovely young woman like Misha Barton shouldn't be seen around town with a pouty two-year-old as her boyfriend. The Post reports Misha has lately been toting around Rooney guitarist Taylor Locke. Barton dragged him to the Nylon/MySpace "School of Rock" party in West Hollywood, and Locke didn't seem happy. A source said he was "not supportive," and moped during the bash. "Humph... I've never even heard of this jerk. She should wake up and ditch this turd. She's needs to put her foot down, she should listen to what Beyoncé said.
You can pack all your bags we're finished (you must not know 'bout me)'
Cause you made your bed now lay in it (you must not know 'bout me)
I could have another you by tomorrow
Don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
You're irreplaceable?
Misha honey you can do better. You are a goddess. You are woman, you are empowered. Now let’s hear you roar! Source Here (** Irreplaceable by: Beyoncé)


That's it that's all folks I gotta go look through some more pictures that Bruce gave me for some ideas for my disguise. Hmmm... this guy's photo looks familiar. Hey wait a minute. It's a photo of Harvey Keitel in Taxi Driver....Brrrrrruuce!

Doc B. Gone Baby Gone