A Butane Sky, Wallpaper Willows, And The Secret Sauce. Thank God For Big Macs. Tonight On The Hump!

Heidi ho folks, Doc B. here.

Saturday night struggle, of mind over body. I wrestle with what must be.. hallucinations. Outside my window is a view of a butane sky lit up in glorious blue and yellow shades. Is this a dream? Inside is no less surreal as the wallpaper is peeling off and hanging in such a way as to resemble a forest of weeping willows. I can no longer move, for wherever I walk, the floorboards below me cry in agony. It’s a painful cry, not unlike a wounded animal. The sound haunts me and I can no longer stand to hear it, so I sit motionless, paralyzed. Bruce is at my feet, where he so often is. He seems to be saying something but I can’t hear him. Those damm floorboards won’t stop their wailing. Their voices are scarring my soul, I can feel it. Bruce is still trying to talk to me,… it seems important. I’m trying now, as hard as I can with every ounce of inner strength that I have left, to hear him. It’s hard, and I’m afraid. The wind has really kicked up in the room, odd, because the window is closed. I don’t want to move, what about the floorboards, what will they say?…. What’s Bruce saying? Can’t quite make it out. The wind is blowing harder now causing the leaves of my wallpaper to rustle loudly. It’s no longer a butane sky outside my window, it seems to be raining now, but not water. A creamy, salmon colored liquid is tap, tap, tapping on the window panes. That’s odd. I smell bacon. What’s Bruce saying?... I must try harder, focusing only on Bruce and tuning everything else out. What’s he saying?...... I think I can almost make it out. Big, I clearly heard him say big. Must… concentrate… harder. Why… am I… talking… like……… Shatner? Doc B., that’s my name, Bruce called me by my name. Oh joy! I came hear him again. I can hear. The view outside my window was returned to normal. I can hear again Bruce, what was it you were trying to tell me? A Big Mac trio… Bruce you’re a godsend. Here’s the news.


But first...

“What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.”
"Augustus Saint-Gaudens"


Headlines that scream hilarity!

Kevin Jonas takes sides in teen-queen feud: He revealed he has a crush on Zac Efron. ( join the club)

Did Jamie Lynn's fiance cheat on her?: OMG-----what if the baby isn’t mine? she screamed.

(Jennifer) Love Hewitt's reasons for slimming: The ghost were making fun of her ass every time she was out of the room. Hmmmm…ghost can be so catty sometimes.

Scoop: Stress is taking toll on Madonna's looks : So is a little thing called Internet. It's hard to be shocking and daring in a world where one can watch a man f**ked to death by a horse, or two girls eating sh*t out of a cup, Madge seems a little bit …quaint.

Elvis fans ignore rain for graveside vigil. : Elvis fans also ignore the fact that the year is 2008. (Let him go people, let him go.)

At 50, has Madonna surpassed the Beatles?: In what? Hype? What part of her catalog do ya think they'll be playing in 40 years -huh?

Scoop: Britney wants her kids to stay out of showbiz: Whatever for? She turned out alright. Source Here


Ur So Gay

For some men, attending a party at the Playboy mansion means you have truly arrived. You have now become a big enough celebrity to mingle with the Hef and his bunnies. And god willing, bang two or three of them. All at once! (God willing, for he is a kind and merciful god.) Apparently Jason Stratham didn’t get the memo.
"The Midsummer Night’s Dream party on Saturday saw The Bank Job star Jason Statham escorted off the premises by five security guards after he refused to pose for pictures with models."
"A source said: "It was rough!" So is making love to a porcupine, -but somebody's got to do it damnit!
Hmmm...refusing to cavort with a few loosely clad women ( with loose morals?) why would this simple task be too much of a chore for Jason Stratham? Is he morally offended? Then why go to the Playboy mansion at all? Has he had his heart broken by a Miss September? Is he allergic to silicone? Or perhaps he's just not that into girls. I don't know but something amiss.
Pasted from. Source Here


More Than A Nice Head Of Hair, A Big Heart As Well.

What a nice guy that Donald Trump is. Real salt of the earth that man, I don't know why people keep making fun of this guy. Oh yeah, -that hair. Anyhow, he certainly has a soft spot for old drunk has- been sidekicks, as this article portrays, Donald Trump will soon be Ed McMahon's landlord.
Trump announced Thursday he would save the television personality's Beverly Hills mansion from foreclosure by buying it for an undisclosed amount and leasing it to McMahon.
The developer told the Los Angeles Times he doesn't know McMahon personally, but acted out of compassion because helping out "would be an honor."
The only caveat is, while Trump watches TV, McMahon has to chuckle and laugh loudly every time the Donald makes (what he thinks)is a joke. Then at the end of the evening, Trump gets to fire him. (it just makes him feel good.) It's possible...that I'm a little fuzzy on this, what with the famine and all. Source Here


Say It Ain’t So Sly.

“Stallone will appear in TV and newspaper ads for Russian Ice vodka for a cool $1 million” .Is this the same Stallone who conquered the vicious Ivan Drago. Is this the same Stallone who mowed down so many Russian soldiers in Afghanistan like they were little girly men. It can’t be .Say it ain’t so Sly, say it ain’t so. “Stallone will advertise the vodka under the slogan, "There is a bit of Russian in all of us" - referring to Stallone's great-grandmother, Rosa Rabinovich, who came from the Ukrainian town of Odessa”.
Hmmm…I wonder which side of the family he gets his hypocrisy from… must be his great-granddad from the old country of --fooled you. Source Here


Well that’s it folks , I gotta go. The world outside my window has returned to normal, and my stomach is full for the time being. But.. for.. how… long?(Shatner again dammit!) I can’t go on like this much longer. I need a JOB, I NEED FOOD. I’m beginning to lose it .I can feel it. See…see that. The wallpaper just nodded in agreement,…I’m losing it.

Doc B. Gone baby gone.

Placentas,Bongs,Enlightenment,Matt,Maroon 5,And More.Tonight On The Hump!

Heidi Ho folks, Doc B here.

I've been feeling pretty bad all day, throwing up at one end, and I don't want to tell you what's been coming out the other. Bruce thinks it was yesterdays supper that made me ill,...but I have my doubts. These days... I trust no one. Here’s the news.

But first...

"There is nothing you can say in answer to a compliment. I have been complimented myself a great many times, and they always embarrass me - I always feel that they have not said enough."
Mark Twain



Total enlightenment, bongos, and the placenta—cuckoo- ka-choo

Matthew McConaghy played in one of my favorite movies, "Dazed and Confused". And to this day I still have problems differentiating between his character and himself. Anyhow, here he talks about what he's going to do with some refuse left over from his child...."When I was in Australia, they had a placenta tree that was on the river ... and all the placentas of all that tribe, all that clan, whatever aboriginal tribe that was, all the placentas went under that one tree and it was this huge behemoth of just health and strength. This tree was just growing taller and stronger above the rest of Mother Nature around it. It was gorgeous.", said Matthew.
He then elaborated with another reporter. What follows is what I believe he said, but my microphone on my recorder hasn't been working well, and I was a bit distracted by some killer bees, so I had to kind of fill in some of the blanks (i.e.: most of it). Anyhow here goes. Matthew waxed on, saying. One day when Levi is old enough,..say around 11,...I will be able to share with him the weed his body helped nurture, to become strong and potent. Then we will sit down together, just he and I, and my favourite bong, and smoke up till we achieve a perfect state of enlightenment. Do you know what it's like to achieve total enlightenment dude? Do you even know how? No? Well, awright-- awright, I'll tell you . Get yourself some really good Skunk-weed. It's best with a bong , but if you don't have a really super tight water bong, then maybe you should go the old-school route and use papers. If you do use papers, I would suggest you have a couple a teaspoon of honey coat your throat. Because Skunk is really harsh man, and you got to smoke a lot of it to reach total enlightenment dude .but the payoff is awesome man, like you've had a 100 orgasms, you are just totally limp, and at peace,.. one with the earth. And that's what all this placenta stuff is all about man, about being enlightened. And I want my son to someday being enlightened just like his dad, and that's why I'm doing this. Once we are enlightened man, then I will tell him about the weed and his placenta. That should blow his f**king mind man! Just like when my dad told me. At that moment I felt very confused and sleepy, but very powerful, like I was one with the earth, it’s very empowering, feeling powerful , you know.I hope he'll feel the same way . Then we'll strip naked and I'll whip out the bongos. We'll play them all night long, or at least until the cops show up.
What's wrong folks? I told you I was distracted. Source Here


Maroon 5 and the root of migraines

Adam Levine of Maroon 5 sounds like your typical pretentious rock star, full of himself, and full of shit. Which pretty much amounts to the same thing, fortunately enough for Adam. Have a look at what he said to Women's Health magazine. "It's kind of the equilibrium - the yin-yang, if you will, of relationships - that I write about. That's what keeps me going, Ah yes ,..the all important yin-yang dynamic..............hey don’t scoff, it’s true. I once had a Chinese girlfriend who taught me all about it. It takes quite a bit of patience, trust, mutual understanding, good stamina, and lots and lots of soya sauce and sake. Hmmm....come to think of it, that was about something completely different, but I digress.
Anyhow where was I, oh yes Advil,... I mean,..Adam,..Sorry, I should clarify, he makes me feel like I need an Advil when I hear him singing, so I often confuse the two, if that makes any sense. Once again, I digress.
Adam continued to speak in his headache inducing gibberish-style, to Women's Health Magazine."Women are very aware of their power. Men need to live and breathe women as a sex." F**k!!... I’m out of Advil!! Just what the hell is that supposed to mean?! Is he suggesting that have we would all suffocate, and then whither up and die if we didn't smell some tart. Scent of a woman indeed. but in this guy's case, it's more like some serious neuroses, or some sick, deep-rooted sexual complex , he keeps buried deep within. Whatever it is, I think this guy is weird. What is he, a pussy? Is he still sucking from his mother’s breast? What a sorry- sack- of- shi...(sigh) but I digress. Let's move on shall we. Source Here


Headlines that scream hilarity

George Costanza for President?.... Can he really be worse than the guy you've got now? Source Here

Homer Simpson money... Dont get too excited , its only redeemable with beer & donuts...!! Wait a sec...Woo hoo! Get excited! Source Here


How 'SNL' influenced CNN... Like when Wolfe Blitzer used to call Greta Van Susteren an ignorant slut! Source Here


Clay Aiken now a father...I know I posted about it yesterday, but I still shit my pants every time I read it. Source Here


Heath Ledger's bar tribute...Hmmm...tasteless, yet somehow appropriate. Does it make it easier knowing that his dad is approves of it? No...? Source Here


Jack Black's son looks like a squid...Once again, tasteless, yet appropriate. Source Here


Ugly is the new beautiful: 27 non-traditional models...Ironically the photos were taken in a dark bar, shot through the bottom of a whiskey glass. Source Here


Hee Haw' reruns to air on RFD-TV ...Just another reason to not watch RFD-TV. Source Here


Dangerfield's Widow Sues His Daughter For Respect...Why not? Nothing else has worked. F**king kids today! No respect. Source Here


The opinions below do not represent those of this blog

I wasn't quite sure how I felt after I read this quote from US Weekly's editor- in chief , Janice Min. I really couldn't tell whether women should be insulted and outraged, or flattered and appreciative. Anyhow here's what she said.
"We proved that celebrity-magazine readers were not obese women who spent all day watching TV and smoking cigarettes. They are young and well-educated. They want a magazine that gives them a fun break from work and family responsibilities."
That they can peruse through while watching TV and smoking a cigarette. Or so I've been told. Say... I've got a crazy idea, why don't you leave a comment if you are offended by this story. Source Here


The world according to Matt

Does Matt Damon think he’s running for office or what? Listen to what Mr. high and mighty had to say to the Conde Nast Traveler. “I think many of our problems as a country would be solved if people had thick passports. There's just no substitute for actually going and seeing things.”
Who does this guy think he is? Telling me what to do huh! The nerve of this guy. He gets voted once as People's sexiest man of the year, and it all goes to his f**king head!! Humph! ...I'm a little bit steamed now. (pause)
Anyhow he rattled on some more... “You start to feel a level of responsibility to direct attention to things that actually matter more than silly things like who you're dating,” he explained.”
Yet, I'm sure who you're dating is a silly thing, but what if you dated a psycho like I did? Not so f**king silly now is it Matt!? And by the way, aren't you married you prick? Who are you to give advice on dating anyhow. People's sexiest man alive, my foot! I need another f**king Advil. And some food dammit! Source Here

Well that's all there is folks. I gotta go, my neighbors are putting out their trash, and them there's some fresh chow........................my God. What have I become???????????????????????????????

Doc B Gone baby gone

Paris Hilton's Superpowers; and Hairy Palm's. Tonight on the hump!

Heidi Ho folks Doc be here.

To begin, I have to apologize for last post when it appeared that I was passing out. It was no act, I did pass out . Fortunately I'm feeling better now since my brother Lance sent me a care package, thank God for him. Here's the news.


But first...

There's no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn't get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh.”
Dennis Miller


Live Long And Take A Hike, Kid!

Leonard Nimoy`s kid has written an autobiography, in it he mentions meeting one of the greatest thespians of our times,
William Shatner .
"I can't think of a single instance where he remembered who I was when our paths crossed," Leonard Nimoy's son, Adam Nimoy, 51, writes in his memoir, "My Incredibly Wonderful, Miserable Life. Humph...so what? like Bill Shatner can be expected to remember every little snot-nosed kid hes met. What does that prove,..nothing. Hmmm... it seems quite obvious to me that this twerp simply wrote a few paragraphs about William Shatner in his autobiography to help sell a few more books. As a matter of fact it seems awfully curious that this is one of first blurbs that I've read from the book
"so, when I see him, I usually go up to him and shake his hand vigorously and say, 'Mr. Shatner, I'm one of your biggest fans.' . . . Bill will look at me like he thinks he should know me from somewhere but he just can't place the face." No kid he was just stunned. The toilet was flushing properly when he left the house, and yet ,there you are, standing right in front of him. After graciously talking to you, the first thing he did when he got home was call a plumber. A man of William Shatner's stature simply wouldn't let a sanitary problem arise from some pipes that might have leaked from his home. He takes care of his shit Andrew..er..Arnold...Adam! ......................Aw..who cares, let's move on. Source Here


Will Faster Pussycat Kill! Kill! Kill Tarantino's Career!!!

It's been said that Quentin Tarantino plans to remake Faster Pussycat Kill! Kill. The story being of a murderous lesbian stripper
"British newspaper the Mirror says Spears is lined up for the saucy role. (Relax folks Tarantino isn't that stoned.)
And just to raise the gossip bar a notch higher, they even speculate that Spears' "violent character murders a man with her bare hands. She also has sex scenes with another girl - not a big deal for the singer who kissed Madonna on stage." (Which somehow seems like decades ago! )
And a snitch supposedly said: "Quentin is convinced Britney will be brilliant. (Shit, maybe he's mixing mushrooms & coke, and pot & DeKuyper and sniffing diesel fumes again.)
"She [Spears] is delighted. She thinks it could turn her career and her life around. (Or another gem like "Crossroads".)
"It is perfect Tarantino material. He wanted to get Britney first. She's playing the most important character."
Now I want all you fans to hold on before you throw out your yellow tracksuit, Bad MotherF**ker wallet, and Jackie Brown Super- Fro wig. This is only a rumor and I don't think the Weinstein's would give Quentin the amount of rope he needs to cast Britney in the lead role. Pity. My what a lovely train wreck it would be. Source Here


Hairy Palms.

Breast enhancement Barbie has a new show, on the E! network.
" Pammy has roped in unlikely pal Sir Elton John to star in the very first episode of E! entertainment's Pam: Girl On The Loose. ( Hmmm... I wonder how long it took them to come up with that?)
We're told: "Elton arranges it so Pam is part of his Red Piano concert in Vegas. She is seen on five huge screens poledancing (naturally.) in a tiny gold bikini." Aw , God bless her, for continuing to do what she does best with her meagre talent. Appearing partially naked wherever she can. Some people are just blessed without the emotion of shame. Plastic Pammy is one of them. And now she's been around long enough that another generation of adolescent boys have discovered themselves through Pam. They would applaud her but the other hand is busy. Souce Here


The End Is Nigh

I've said it once and I'll say it again, I never thought I would have to say these words, Clay Aiken.. father. (?!) "It's official: Clay Aiken is now a daddy!
The singer, 29, and his producer pal Jaymes Foster welcomed a baby boy Friday morning in Aiken's home state of North Carolina, Aiken's mother, Faye, told a local radio station.
Parker Foster Aiken arrived at 8:08 a.m. - on 8/8/08, no less - and weighed in at 6 pounds, 2 ounces."
Say folks.. do you smell brimstone? No. Maybe it's just me then, I am a little malnourished. Hmmm... Parker Foster Aiken eh! It sounds like a board game, doesn't it? Source Here


MTV's Presidential Bitch- Slap Smack Down

Ever since Paris Hilton met her rocker boyfriend from some damned band whose name I can never remember, she's been pretty quiet on the gossip front, and has been noticeably less visible around town. So I guess all us gossip post pundits can thank John McCain for dragging her back into the spotlight, albeit reluctantly. Paris has been pretty quiet about the McCain ad which used her image along with Britney Spears and Barack Obama, but it appears she's finally fired back. (After hours of endless googling to discover who Barak Obama, and John McCain were.) Paris answered back with a clip that can be viewed at funny or die.com. And she says, “That wrinkly white-haired guy used me in his campaign ad, which I guess means I’m running for President. So thanks for the endorsement, white-haired dude,” she states. “I want America to know that I’m like, totally ready to lead.”
After explaining her energy policy, a reference to the McCain ad which lashed out at Obama’s policy, Paris declares, “I’ll see you at the debates b****es!”
Somewhere over at MTV, a light bulb went off above the head of some guy in marketing. "Eureka!" he shouts. "I have it"! he shouts again. Hurriedly, he rushes off to see in his department manager. He tells his department manager he has come up with "the idea of the century". MTV would broadcast a debate featuring Barack Obama and Paris Hilton teamed up to debate against John McCain and Britney Spears. Of course his department manager thinks the idea is brilliant, and is going to run it right up to the top. Think of it folks, a debate like this would cut across every demographic imaginable . The black vote, old rich white guy vote, twenty-somethings who don't know who the candidates are, and don't vote. All they need now is a gay half Mexican, half Asian midget to moderate, and every desirable demographic will be targeted. Humph ... you don't think it could happen to you? Well just wait and see, and mark my words, coming soon to a cable channel near you, MTV presents The Presidential Bitch- Slap Smackdown. Source Here


Just What The World Needs... Paris Hilton In Spandex Tights And A Cape.

Sticking with Paris Hilton, it appears she's involved in a rather unlikely collaboration with a comic genius."The hotel heiress has been working with Stan Lee, who co-created the Spider-Man comic books, to invent a character for a new MTV cartoon. (It ought to prove to be quite a challenge to the Marvel comics artist, they are not used to drawing stick figures)
She said: “Actually, I've created a superhero with Stan Lee, which is based on me, and we're doing a cartoon right now with MTV.” Among her characters powers: looking positively not interested while performing fellatio, impeccable posture when posing for photos, and being famous for no reason whatsoever.
But what would the real Paris Hilton do if she had a superpower... hmmm, let us ponder this. Oh, oh, I know. She would have the power to turn what ever she touches pink. Just kidding, actually she did answer that question."She said: “I’d love to be invisible - that would be fun!" Just get married darling, and have a few kids, that ought to do the trick. Source Here


Bad News

Unfortunately over the weekend a few more bright lights have been snuffed out. Comedian and actor, Bernie Mac, and the Black Moses, soul singer Isaac Hayes both passed away on the weekend. Both brought an enormous amount of talent and will to the stage. They will be missed.


Well that's all there is folks I gotta go. The restaurant across the street just threw some food out. Looks like I am having Chinese tonight.

Doc B Gone baby gone.