Dick… Being A Dick. On The Hump

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here.

I'm exhausted, I think I've got a cold. I think I might have to call in sick at work, although I don't know how well that will go over after the whole abduction thing and all. There isn't much to get excited about since it's a pretty slow news day. That being said, take a glance at what I scraped up. Here's the news.

But first…

“Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.”
“Conan O'Brien”


Dick Being A Dick

Now auditioning for a part as the sleazy smut peddler in the new Tarantino movie,... Andy Dick!
Comedian Andy Dick got himself arrested Wednesday for alleged sexual battery, and suspicion of drug use. "A 17-year-old girl told police that she was outside when Dick left the bar, walked up, "grabbed her tank top and bra and pulled them down and exposed her breasts,". This all happened at a "Buffalo Wild Wings". (where all the loser celebs hang out) in Murrieta. Hmmm... yes that does seems like the typical spot one would...... lose their f***ing mind! What is this guy... retarded! Pardon me,... mentally challenged. It might sound like fun, but I'm pretty sure there is a law against pulling down women's clothes. I think in some countries, they chop off your hands, ... or even shoot you. This fella sure knows how to live up to his namesake. Don't you think? This is not Dick's first brush with the law of course, he's been arrested before after slamming his car into a telephone pole, and was found with marijuana and cocaine. And just last year. "Dick was cited in Columbus, Ohio, for urinating on the sidewalk. A comedy club owner in the city said the actor also made inappropriate comments while onstage, groped patrons, took women into the men's room and urinated on the floor and on at least one person." (Ironically, that person was R. Kelly) Hmmm... how did this guy never hit the big- time? Click on the source below, his mug shot looks like he's trying out for a part as the villain in the next Batman movie. Of course for now we have to presume he's innocent. Until he cops a plea, does some community service and, rehab naturally.
Source Here


Protective Mother Or Spurned Capitalist?

Well who are you going to believe?
There's been a lot of reports circulating, that Nicole Kidman has said she would never consider selling photos of her baby. Bravo I say, commendable. If only more celebs would step up and do the right thing like Nicole, the world would be a better place. Of course there's always going to be some haters out there, you know, jealous folk. Some people have been suggesting that Nicole just didn't get the price she wanted, that she was too demanding. "One editor at a celebrity weekly said, "She wanted $3 million and we weren't going to pay that." Who does she think she is? She's not in the same league as Angelina, or as beautiful as Halle Berry. Hmmm... I'm beginning to suspect that these reports might be true. What the hell has she done that's been any good anyways? Nothing really. Don't, please don't, bring up "The Hours". It's brutal! Just an overwrought, pretentious dog of a movie. I haven't liked much of what she's been in. Hmmm... so who you going to believe folks? Nicole or the editor? I'd like to think that she's a fine upstanding citizen who would never exploit and pimp out her children, but I have my doubts. She's always seemed a little strange, like her movies. Odd, cold, bitter, frigid, snobbish, boorish, vapid, and not very interesting . So maybe she didn't get the price she was demanding, like they claim. At this point... I have a hard time taking her at her word. After all, she is Australian. And they loved Hitler. So that's one black mark against them, right? (Pause)... What's that Bruce? What have you got there,... a map? What is it you're trying to show me boy? Oh..................... Austria. So what you're saying Bruce, is that Australians didn't support Hitler? It was Austrians? Wrong country huh? Sorry mate's , my bad. Let's move on. Source Here


Germ-Free... Or Else.

It seems Nicole Richie has developed a nasty obsessive-compulsive disorder since giving birth to her daughter."A source said: “Nicole double washes her daughter Harlow’s clothes and double sanitises her bottles, baby spoons - anything Harlow eats out of." That doesn't sound too bad, except it was only the beginning. While her fiancé Joel was away she hired a crew to come over and completely scrub the whole place down. A crew recommended by NASA. She banished the dogs outdoors and hired a hunter (her neighbor, Mel Gibson) to kill the deer that had been approaching her property because she was afraid of ticks. Crazy Mel didn't even use a gun... just a sharp pole and a big rock. Everyone that comes over must now must wear a full gown, plastic slippers over their feet. Hairnets and surgical mask are also required at all times. If you don't comply, you exit through a trap door underneath your feet. You can't walk in her house without stumbling across hand sanitizer and rubber gloves. Joel woke up in the middle of the night and discovered Nicole, down on all fours, weeping, because she couldn't get a stain out of the floor in the kitchen. ( I cast thee out, evil wicked spot, she muttered.) Turns out it was just a knot in the wood. Not convinced, Nicole had the floor replaced the next day. In the last few days things have gotten even worse, leaving Joel panicked at what Nicole might do. She's become paranoid that someone might enter the house with their germs and infect the baby, so she has bought an AK-47. (Because it never jams) Joel is hoping this is just a phase. But word has already gotten out, after a particularly unkempt pool boy received a warning shot just pass his ear. They've even stop receiving mail. Hmmm... maybe it is just a phrase, but if you're planning on visiting, you better wear a flak jacket. Source Here

Well that's it, that's all folks. I gotta go, I'm exhausted. I gotta get some sleep. Bruce has promised to wake me up in the morning since my alarm clock is broken. I'm so tired.

Doc B. Gone baby gone

Brangelina are the new Waltons/Madonna's greasy salamander.

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here

It sure is good to be back home, Bruce has a new haircut, Luis has lost some weight, but Antonio remains off the grid. Geez what a trip... I feel like I need a vacation. Weird huh. Here's the news.

But first…

"You may not be able to change the world, at least you can embarrass the guilty."
“Jessica Mitford”


The Greasy Salamander And The Material Girl

Family sure can be funny sometimes, case in point; Christopher Ciccone i.e. the greasy salamander. Madonna's brother has been popping up everywhere promoting his book, pimping out intimate family details to make a fast buck. The kind of intimate details that come with the warts we call family, in every person's life. Which is why it's so much fun to read when it's someone else's family. The greasy salamander lays out all the pathetic and petty squabbles, arguments, fist fights, attempted murder, etc., etc., that is so common in a family unit. That's why it came as a bit of a shock when he seemed to be defending his sister about her alleged affair with Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez. Considering the fact that he had no qualms about naming who she had slept while she was married to Sean Penn. But hey, it's his 15 minutes, and he's got a book to sell. He was asked about the affair on "Good Morning America", here's what he said;"I think it's highly unlikely," (buy my book.) "I know Alex from Miami," Ciconne said. (Buy my book.) "I doubt this is actually an affair. . . (Please buy my book.) . I'm sure she had nothing to do with the breakup of their marriage. (Sean's yes,.. buy my book.) It seemed absurd to me, (but not as absurd as the gory details in my book, on sale now. Buy my book) Truly, I don't believe it." (Pure fantasy! Not like my 100% no bullshit, absolutely true life stories that only your family could know, book on sale now at fine stores everywhere. Also, I'll be in the parking lot from 3 p.m. till 7 p.m., look for the grey Ford Tempo. A free Fresca with each purchase.) Hmmm... I guess if the greasy salamander says she didn't do it, he would know, being her brother and all. Although in the end he does lay it on a bit thick, when he says; "Despite everything else, she's still a Catholic girl." Yep, she always keeps her rosary beads in a safe place, close to her. If any of you ladies should come across some rosary beads hanging on the door of a bathroom stall of some club, you'll know Madonna is in the house, and this stall is occupied, so f**k- off bitch! (Oh yeah, if you touched the beads.. don't forget to wash your hands). Source Here



All In The Family

Over@themirror.co.uk, is a report about Brad and Angie's twins getting together with the rest of their clan for the first time. Hmmm... I imagine it was quite the homey affair, with Brad and the Missus, with the new birthin's meeting all the other young folk, and with ole Bessie about to give birth, and grandpa losing his teeth , it was pretty wild. Wild Times, good times. Yep the Mirror report's that "Overjoyed dad Brad Pitt introduced his newborn twins to the rest of his children yesterday." Knox, Vivienne... I'd like you to meet Mary Ellen and Elizabeth, Jim Bob and John Boy, and Erin and Ben, grandma Olivia and grandpa Zeb and soon will be taking you home to the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia. God knows that's what it looks like you're shooting for isn't it folks? Or maybe I'm all wrong on this, maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way. Hmmm... have I been too glib and missed the point totally. Perhaps if I look at it from another perspective, a different point of view. (Pause) ah yes,... I'm seeing things in a different light. I've got it! By Jove I've got it! This is an "Eight Is Enough" angle isn't it? Well isn't it? Hmmm... no. "The Brady Bunch?". No?! (Fume) Well how about throwing me a frickin' bone huh! Is it "Leave It to Beaver"? No it can't be. Well, I'm stuck. Let's move on shall we.
Is it the Von Trapp family?................. dammit. Moving on. For real. Source Here



Like Rocks But In A Good Way

Naomi Campbell wants you to really really really really know , that she's not a really really really bad person. Just misunderstood. She elaborated; "I'm not a bad person. When people say all these negative things about me, I ignore them. (They are like the slimy green stuff that grows underneath rocks, and we all know rocks can't talk, so I can't hear them.)
"Let them be negative - but do that away from me. (Or else Antoine will get up all inside your face.) It hurts but I know there is much more good in the world.
"I'm blessed to be able to do charitable work and good things but no one focuses on that because (I'm a crazy bitch.) I don't throw it in people's faces. ( Because phones hurt more, and are easier to throw.) That's why they focus on the negatives." (Because they all got fat asses and lumberjack thighs and are just jealous of what I got.) Well, that certainly was enlightening, to bad she ends on a cliché."At times like this, you really know who your friends are and it means so much." (Such as my agent, my lawyer, my manager, and my dealer.) Yeah, you go girl. Source Here



A Bone!

The Huxtables? Mamas Family? The Bundy's? C'mon ..I'm stuck, throw me a frickin' bone won'tcha!
Is it Ozzie and Harriet?... (whimper).
You're so mean. I tell you if I knew. Moving on.


Black Tar = Black Gold

And finally, Amy Winehouse's dad is not well. Hmmm... I wonder what could be bothering him."Mitch isn't well," the friend said. "He has been taking a lot on and has been dedicating himself to trying to improve Amy's health. But his own health has suffered as a result. She told him not to worry about her – but that's easier said than done."
You feeling stressed dad? Amy asked.
I've got something I could cook up to help you with that, it feels great. If you get too low I've got something else to pick you up. I got everything you need pop's. Just let Amy take care of you. You'll be right as rain. Look at me I'm fine-cough cough. Eww... what's this black stuff? Source Here



Well that's all there is folks, I gotta go figure out this Brad and Angie brood-ha-ha. It's really bugging me now. Is it the Griswold's? The Ewings? I just know I won't be able to sleep tonight. Dammit.

Doc B. Gone baby gone

Angelina Delivers, The Banshee Terrorizes, And Britney's Back Bitch! On The Hump.

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here.

I just got back from a business trip in Europe and boy am I tired. It must be the jet lag, so you'll forgive me if my post seems a little subdued today. Without futher ado, here's the news.

But first…


“I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...”
“Mitch Hedberg”


Finally,.. The Laundry Soap Was Costing Me A Fortune!

Hallelujah, praise Allah, thank you Jesus, ... Angelina Jolie's babies have finally arrived( Woo Hoo!) and my bladder couldn't be more relieved. Finally I can take off the plastic off my computer chair, and give grandma back her supply of Depends. Her neighbors in the apartment downstairs thought that her toilet was leaking so this birth has come in the nick of time, before they get wise. Anyhow, Angie delivered a boy and a girl, twins, obviously. The boy is said to be called Knox Leon and the girl, Vivienne Marcheline. The two were delivered by C-section and weighed barely 5 pounds each,( her stomach was humongous, where’s the rest of em’?) which don't seem like a hell of a lot but is probably normal considering they're early. Though not early enough to save me from ruining a complete wardrobe of Tommy Hilfiger and Lois jeans. Doctors claim the mother and the babies are doing well, so now let the bidding war begin. That's right folks, competing magazines are going to be chomping at the bit( among other things) to get their hands on the very first photos of the twins. How much is can it be enough, your guess is as good as mine?( A biillllionnn dollars) But according to sources, 20 to 25 million seems plausible.( can you say—holy shit!) Of course money might not be enough knowing Angie and Brad. A few magazine editors and CEOs might have to give up their firstborns to adoption by Brad and Angie (because they're rich, powerful, beautiful, and therefore way better parents than some magazine hack) to seal the deal. But even that might not be enough, Brad and Angie might also expect donations to charity, stories documenting the plight of orphaned children, and a small island as a gift for Brad and Angie to raise their brood. All this and more are on the table, open to negotiations. This is bound to be biggest baby photos scam in history, so you can chuck good sense out the window because these twins are about to raise the bar, and set a dangerous new precedent. Brad and Angie may not have to work for years, no red carpets, no movies, no interviews, just making babies and spending the wealth.Why someday they may even get their own special award for pro-creating such beautiful children. So don't come crying to me folks when they don't appear in movies for the next couple years, your humble Doc B. has given you ample warning. But do people listen to me? Nooooooooooo... they do not. And what for? For some silly pictures of some babies. Humph... it's not like they're your kids, so what's the big deal? All babies look the same anyways when they're newly born. I can save you a few bucks and describe them for you. They're going to be red faced with a smidgen of hair, looking like miniature versions of Ernest Borgnine. (Pause). What, you don't believe me? I don't know if it's true, but I've heard rumors that Angie and Ernest Borgnine were staying in the same hotel around the time the babies would have been conceived.
Hey, stranger things have happened. Source Here


Awakening

Better late than never I say. It would seem Amy Winehouse's dad Mitch has finally come to the realization that his daughter's lifestyle maybe killing her. He said recently,"My biggest fear is that she would die and she won't die of a drug overdose, it won't be that quick," . Hmmm... I think he's selling Amy a little short, I think she has it in her to die suddenly of an overdose, but what do I know, I'm not her father. He goes on to elaborate that,"She would die, unfortunately, of emphysema. That would be the most likely scenario if she didn't check her behaviour, which she is doing.
"But if she didn't, that would be a likely scenario and we would be talking about a very slow and painful death, gasping for air." Ah yes, a father's love is a powerful thing. (?!)
Hmmm... I wonder what finally woke him up to the fact that she has a problem? Oh, he's probably been going over the books and realizes that she doesn't have enough of a back catalogue for him to live comfortably after she's gone. (Pause). What? You think I'm cynical, don't you?
"Winehouse will start writing her new album from September," he added. Hmmm... we'll see folks, we'll see. Source Here


Screw Emphysema Give Me A Colombian Grave

And speaking of Amy's imminent death. The UK newspaper The Sun apparently has photos of Amy at some nightclub, "snorting something behind the DJ booth". Hmmm... it's a good thing she's checking her behavior just like her dad said, huh. Anyhow, The Sun reports that, "She left at 2am with one of the bar’s lamps and what looked like half of Colombia up her nose". Hmmm... you see. I told you her dad was selling her short, screw emphysema, Amy's gunning for a coke addled cardiac arrest overdose, following the great tradition of many a rock star. If only her dad had more confidence in her, he would see that a slow painful death is not in the cards. Nope. Looks like emphysema will have to find some other victim, cause Amy is not having any of it. It's better to burn out, then fade away. Source Here


Baby Photo Scam Update

While I've been gone, the baby scams keep rolling in. We all know that Angie and Brad are going to make a fortune on their babies photos, but how are some of the lesser light celebs making out, huh. Well here's an update. Actress "Jessica Alba has sold photographs of her daughter Honor Marie for $1.5 million." Hmmm... only $1.5 million huh! I guess this is a reality check for her, it's time to stop making crappy movies like Fantastic Four and The 10, if she wants her brood to command the big bucks.
Matthew McConaughey on the other hand, made a cool 3 million bucks off his kid Levi's photo. It just goes to show you that is back catalog of films have made more money than Jessica's. And finally, I see that Jamie Lynn Spears posed with her baby on the cover of OK magazine. I didn't see any dollar figures, but if she's anything like her sister, she was probably paid in a year's supply of Cheetos and Mountain Dew. Source Here


The Way Of The South

Speaking of Jamie Lynn Spears and her OK magazine article, I came upon this little nugget of info. In the article Jamie Lynn talks about her mom, Lynn Spears, being "a hands- on grandma."
She says,"Mama has been here a bunch," she said. "She wants to see the baby all the time. She told me the doctors are always going to be real strict and tell you, 'Don't do this and don't do that.' Just follow your instincts. You're the mother and you know what your baby needs. That's what I've done and it seems to have worked." (Cough-cough). These people really live in their own little bubble of a world don't they? But hey, who am I to give advice.
Maybe Jamie Lynn will be a great mom,........ man! Did I really just write that? I must be still suffering from jet lag . I would never purposely writes something so fictitious. We all know it's not Jamie Lynn thats going to be raising the baby. It's the staff of nannies from El Salvador that will be doing the heavy lifting when it comes to raising the baby.
Anyhow Jamie Lynn is already looking forward to when the baby is a little older. She says she plans to raise baby Maddie in the South where "the focus is family." Humph... yeah I've heard that about the South. I've heard that if you've been married three times
and still have the same in-laws, that it's normal. I've heard that in the South, you go to your sister's wedding so you can kiss the bride. I've heard it's quite common to miss your graduation because your kids were sick . Your wife can't fix you dinner because she has cheerleading practice. The highlight of your family reunion was your sister's nude dancing debut. Somebody yells "Hoe down!" and your wife hits the floor . You got stopped by a state trooper..He asked you if you had an I.D
.And you said, 'Bout What?' I've heard that in the South, they think TacoBell is the Mexican phone company
But I digress
I guess I'll end this on a note of caution, Jamie Lynn says,"They don't have soccer down here, but I would love being the softball mom driving the kids around." Hmmm... if she has any of Britney's mad driving skills, it might be a short softball season. Source Here


Britney's Back Bitch!?

And staying in the family. The indications are all there that Britney Spears is gearing up for a comeback. Hey face it, the chick has been on a roll lately. She's been able to see her kids again, she's filming something secret for Madonna's tour, and following her successful guest appearance on TVs "How I Met Your Mother," she's fielding offers, and perhaps going to develop her own show. Nary a meltdown in sight, the question is, is Britney back? The answer is, not yet. But soon. All signs seem to be pointing to a well focused, and newly committed Britney. Hmmm... I sense some skepticism. And I hear you. Maybe I'm being overly optimistic but I think Britney is going to be back. And In a big way. I'm willing to bet on it. Of course if she leads the paparazzi to a beach and then proceeds to strip down to her underwear and hop into the ocean. And frolic in the water blissfully shaving her pubes in front of the cameras. All the while, her kids play with the handbrake of her car, having been left alone, and unattended. Then all bets are off. Forget I said anything. Source Here


Cry Of The Banshee

While I was over in Europe the last week, I heard a lot of unusual stories . Nay, make that frightening stories. Stories that I chalked up to superstition you know, that the locals would tell the visitors. Of the places I've visited however, one story re-occurred each time. Each place I had been talked of a hideous banshee whose sound shattering as voice caused the cries and anguish of the young children, and heart failure in many of their old-aged. It was said that this banshee terrorized parts of Europe at this time every year. As I said, I chalked this up to superstition. Just some backword yokels, making up shit, and trying to play with my head, you know what I mean? Then, I read this story and I realized everything they said was true. Oh how could I ever have doubted them? "A Page Six spy overheard Kelly at Charles de Gaulle Airport in Paris the weekend before July 4th telling a friend she was on a solo European vacation and she and Rosie were "taking a break." What a fool I was for not believing them. O'Donnell's rep says, "Kelly is back home. She goes on a European vacation alone every year." You see, they were telling the truth. Those poor, poor backward Europeans. I should've been more sympathetic, but you’d think they’d be able to speak better English if they don’t like people laughing at them, and calling them names. Not that I did any such thing, I’m speaking in general,…never mind. Source Here


That's all there is folks, I gotta go try and work off this jet lag. This guy on the plane home told me to walk on the carpet of my floor and make knots with my feet. I don't know if it's going to work, but it's worth a try.

Doc B. Gone baby gone