Celebrity Gossip News Extravaganza. Tonight, on the Hump.

Heidi-Ho folks Doc B here.

I'm exhausted I've been going around doing all kinds of errands for my boss. Doing his laundry, standing in line for him at the DMV. Even pleasuring his wife for him to keep her off his back, while he romps in the hay with his young latin lover. I think he stuffs his trousers, but who am i to judge. I think I need to find a new line of work . Anyhow here's the news.

But first…

“I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet”
“Sam Kinison”


Cat fight! Everyone look away now.

I certainly got a giggle out of Omarosa's appearance on The Wendy Williams Show Monday. If you missed it, it seems things got a little heated (I could have used the word catty, but some people might have been offended: hint; they have no penis.) Omarosa was supposed to be there to promote her book, but in the great tradition of Monty Python, she just wanted an argument. Williams who has been on radio for a long time but is new to TV must have been coached by her producers to make sure do get a camera shot of the cover of the book, which she did. Most awkwardly. Omarosa reacted like a fat kid (pardon me, what's the term? Weight challenged? Obese? Hormonally different? Jelly donut junkies? F**k it!), like a fat kid when you steal his fries. So she did what any fat kid would, she yanked it back.... the following moments were...awkward.
The tussle gave way to Omarosa attacking Williams’ appearance, asking her whether she had had a nose job and suggesting she shouldn’t wear wigs. During the heated exchange, Williams called Omarosa a “typical angry black woman” and advised Omarosa that cosmetic injections could fix her wrinkles. Ooh ooh.. cat fight! (It's appropriate, and dammit, it's the truth.) Of course the clip of this interview has gone completely viral fad. One would think it would be good for ratings, wouldn't it? Now far be it from me to suggest that this was planned. Which I don't. However I think the show's producers were definitely hoping for some sparks, don't you? Listen to what Wendy said after the interview. She called Omarosa “a delusional, D-list, pathetic woman.” Hmmm... isn't that the pot calling the kettle black huh! So if I wanted catch up on what D-listers are doing these days I guess I know what show to tune into. I wonder what Charo and Marc Lawrence are up to? Guess I'll have to tune in to find out. Source Here


Live to tell.

Well it's nice to know someone is happy. No it's not the producers of the Wendy Williams show. It's Christopher Ciccone, Madonna's brother, who is having as much fun as a Navy submarine sailor on shore leave with a Thai hooker. While talking to the New York Observer he let slip out a hint of satisfaction and triumph over his sister's reaction to the book. "Christopher claims Madonna sent him an e-mail simply stating, “Call me,” when she got wind of the unauthorized biography. Deciding not to engage her (“I don’t respond to commands anymore”), he enjoyed Madonna’s rare, powerless position instead." Hmmm... it's almost as if he enjoys watching her squirm, doesn't it folks? “I will admit to a guilty pleasure in watching her squirm,” the younger Ciccone confessed. Hmmm... it's nice to see that he's not bitter about it. Source Here


What's in a name?

Ill it's a shame that more people don't vote in the states. Given the incredible freedom and choice, and levels of governments that represent them . Something tells me however, that in the next election in the city of San Francisco, there will be a record turnout. Some activists have come up with a rather ingenious plan to honor to current sitting duck president (no, not a lynching.) in the next election."Activists in San Francisco have secured sufficient support to put on the November election ballot an initiative to rename a local sewage plant in “honour” of President George W Bush.
The Bush critics succeeded in collecting more than 12,000 signatures for renaming the sewerage plant, and an election committee confirmed it, the San Francisco Chronicle said today." What a novel idea, bravo to them, my hats off. And I'm almost certain that this will come to pass in the next election come November. San Francisco voted to support an initiative to impeach both Bush and Vice President Cheney in 2006. 58% of San Franciscans voted to give Bush and Cheney a tricky Dick special, so they'll no doubt be geared up to honor Bush properly. Hmmm... this initiative could lead to a more appropriate and proper use of presidents names. Such as, the William Jefferson Clinton National Sperm Bank of America. The George H. Bush Choke N Puke Sushi Steakhouse . The Richard Nixon Audio and Video Surveillance Museum. The Gerald Ford School of Slapstick Comedy. Ronald Reagan's Irish Pub, the Lyndon B. Johnson Landfill, the possibilities are endless.Ah Yes, I'll be keeping my eye on San Francisco in the next election. Source Here


Roughriders rejoice! The DMX pleads not guilty.

Rapper DMX pleaded not guilty to felony charges of theft and identity theft. "Authorities allege the 37-year-old rapper gave the name "Troy Jones" and an incorrect Social Security number to a Scottsdale hospital in April to avoid paying $7,500 in medical expenses."You'll recall the DMX has been arrested for many a crime, but has done little time. So it comes as no surprise that he seemed in good spirits, and was optimistic outside the courtroom after his plea.," Hmmm... catchy, it's a good start. Let me see, "If you ever fall down, get back up." If you say you're Troy Jones, don't pick up the phone. Say what.! If you have to cough up a plea, say it wasn't me. If you ever spend time in Scottsdale, be prepared for the man to send you to jail. Say what! if you ever fall down, get back up, because you'll get all dirty and maybe catch a stomach cold. Whoops... that last line sounds like something my mom used to tell me. Let's move on shall we. Source Here


Headlines That Matter!

"Publicist runs out on Mills: Heather is too hot-headed to handle, aide claims".
Really, it just goes to show you. You never can tell about some people. Source Here


"Britney Spears rages at those closest to her in new songs".

Yeah, like her lawyer, her therapist, her bartender.My god, you should hear what she calls her car insurance broker. Oohh..the mouth on that girl. It's disgraceful. Why if she's not careful they may take her kids away from her. Oh yeah,...she wasn't..and they did. My bad. Source Here


"Spears and Federline settle custody case".

Apples or oranges, either way, the kids are screwed. Source Here


"Jimmy Kimmel puts Ed McMahon back to work".

Ed said he has no problem cleaning Jimmy's toilet. Or serving him and his posse drinks and hors d'oeuvres. He even trims Jimmy's toenails and grooms his back hair. But he still has his pride, and refuses to sit and pretend to laugh at Jimmy's lame jokes. Johnny Carson he . ain't. Hell, he ain't no Arsenio either. Source Here


"Police: Paparazzi, guards, fight at Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's chateau”

Boys, boys, wait your turn. I'm sure she'll get around to adopting everyone eventually. Source Here

"Omarosa doesn't regret spat with TV host".

Her only regret ? Not actually having spat on her. Source Here


"‘Lost’ creators know how series will end".

Here's a hint. Patrick Duffy and Victoria principal are said to be involved. Source Here


"Hollywood writers protest ‘American Idol’".

Humph... don't you think it should be the songwriters doing the protesting? Source Here


"Lohan makes 'girlfriend' joke about Ronson"

Said Lindsey to a friend; I' ve got to be careful not to drink too much with the ole ball n chain hanging around. She's been on the rag lately. Source Here


From Hero to zero (tough on stains)

If you asked me, Hayden Panettiere sounds awfully spoiled. Just look hear what she says to OK magazine. “I still want a mom and dad to take care of me and do my laundry, ’cause I can’t do it. No, I’m kidding. I can do laundry!” I just refuse to do it. Besides what else do they have to do, it's not like they have hundreds of thousands of people screaming at them at Comic Com now do they? And if they say no, I'll just get my assistant to do it. But I'd rather not bother her, she has a hard enough time getting me my Iced Bombay Tea when I want it. It would take her days to just do my blouses, my mom only works 40 hours a week so she has lots of time.


Well that's all folks I gotta go. It seems my boss at a charity auction agreed to pose nude for an art class. So guess what I have to do tonight posing as him? I hope the room is not too cold. I is sometimes suffer from shrinkage. Don't giggle girls, it's a real problem. Seven out of 10 men suffer from it and it causes deep emotional scarring. Most of these men are under severe peer pressure and are too embarrassed to come forward to discuss their issues with their issues and low self-esteem. A casually tossed acerbic one-liner comparing a man's penis, to that of a eight-year-old nephew can cause severe permanent damage to a man’s psyche and his personal well-being. So don't mock us ladies, it's a real problem, it's serious and can ultimately lead to fatality. Those penis enlargement products are really dangerous, they rank 374th on the top 500 list of ways men die. So keep your thermostat set at room temperature and watch out for drafts, and for god’s sake, keep your windows closed.

Doc B Gone baby gone.

Madonnas sex tape... it's got goats (?!)/Country Music Snobs Snub Jessica

Heidi Ho Folks Doc B here.

Can't talk. Must wash clothes. On a deadline. Heres the news.

But first…

“Before I speak, I have something important to say.”
“Groucho Marx”


Country Crowd Too Cultured for Jessica

That poor girl Jessica Simpson, she just can't catch a break. Unable to cut it as a pop star. A total failure as a film star. A walking punchline as a reality TV star. What else was she to do but turn to country music. So on the weekend she squeezed back into her Daisy Dukes to perform songs off her new country album at something called the "Country Thunder USA festival in Randall, Wisconsin". Hmm… "Country Thunder USA " you say,... it must be culture week in Wisconsin, but I digress. It seems poor little Jessica's stab at performing country music got off to a bit of the inauspicious start. Sensing hostility she tried to warm up the crowd with some old-fashioned country goodness, all natural, just like mom's, humble pie."I don't know what your perception is of Jessica Simpson or what tabloid you buy, but I just want you to know that I'm just a girl from Texas, I'm just like you. I'm doing what I love and dating a boy." Humph! Well I'm not exactly doing what I love, but I would like to know how she found out about the boy I'm dating. Still, unfortunately for Jessica her cute little psychic tricks about love didn't cut her any slack with the audience."Just because she's dating Tony Romo it doesn't make her country," one concertgoer told the Kenosha News, a local paper. Hmmm... he has a point, "it doesn't make her country". No, I suppose it would take a lobotomy, a pickup truck with a gun rack, and a general (or intimate) knowledge of livestock for that. Still I'm not so sure that the concertgoer that the Kenosha News interviewed was "country". Did anyone happen to take notice of his diction? I mean it's obvious,... listen to his grammar. He says"it doesn't make her country". You see, you see, right there. Well can't you see it? It's a big red flag, how could you miss it? The concertgoer says "it doesn't". When in fact the proper "country" phrasing would be, "it don't". And when used in a sentence it would sound like this; "it don't make her country". There. You see the difference? Clearly this concertgoer was some Northerner with an agenda, or ax to grind against poor little Jessica. (pause ) Honestly you would think the Kenosha News would screen their interviews a bit more thoroughly huh. One yokel even went so far as to say that Jessica was,"an embarrassment to country music." Really! More embarrassing than the TV show "Hee Haw". More embarrassing than Toby Keith? I think not. Is it more embarrassing than a whole genre of fans turning their backs on one of their own, simply because they've voiced an opinion about a certain elected president from Texas? Hmmm... somehow I doubt it. And while we're talking about embarrassing,... dudes, you' ve got to do something about those silly shirts. Well regardless of the IQ of her audience, it certainly appears that Jessica Simpson still has some work cut out for her if she wants to cross over into "country" music. Source Here


Sex and lies,and pine tar

I found this rather amusing when I came across it. If it's true, and let me reiterate, big f**king If! There are reports that sex tape between Alex Rodriguez and Madonna exists. It's a I know I know there's a lot of people out there get excited right now. Yeah you know who you are. You can't wait to see this sex tape to find out if Madonna really can walk the walk, like she talks the talk. I hear you. Oh how many fantasies would be ruined if by chance she just happened to lay there, frigid and unresponsive like a wet rag. The story goes like this. " A cameraman claims to have a video of Madonna and baseball player Alex Rodriguez romping on a sofa.
He is trying to sell the tape - allegedly shot with a hidden camera in an apartment owned by a friend of the cameraman which was used by the couple for secret liaisons – for £1 million.
The unnamed owner of the tape claims he visited the property and hid a camera, pointed at the sofa which captured the X-rated footage two months ago." Hmmm... I'm no lawyer that sounds slightly illegal. Fun. But illegal nonetheless. Could this story be true? I suppose it's possible, maybe even plausible. However, Madonna is embarking on a tour for her album, therefore she could be behind all this talk to garner media attention to sell more tickets. Yep, I have my doubts, but I think it may be true. It just so happens a friend of a friend got his hands on some audio of the tape and sent me the transcript. I've received permission from my friend to present to you an excerpt, unedited of course.

Alex; I can't believe this is happening... that were here together,... now.
Madonna: O... you can believe it loverboy. [Zipppp] batter up!
Alex: You know, I never really found you good looking, or beautiful, you know. But you got that look. That look that says you've got something, and that something... is really good.
Madonna: Shut up ball boy, the time for talk is passed. You're in the playoffs now and it's time for action.
Alex:Uh... Gee I don't know, I usually choke in the playoffs. Can't we just pretend it's a spring training?
Madonna: Whatever floats your boat loverboy... did you remember to put pine tar on your bat?
Alex: Pine tar? Won't I get all sticky?
Madonna. Only if you're lucky lover. Take me now or lose me forever.
Alex: Was that the go signal... I'm always get in my signs mixed up?
Madonna: Please don't talk anymore
Alex: (silence)
Madonna: Good!

[Inaudible] This part here was a little muffled folks. But from what my trained ear could decipher, sounded a lot like naked flesh on leather. You know, that sound that happens when you get out of your car seat on a sticky day after you've been driving for an hour. That sound, lots of it, for about 40 minutes. Towards the end of the tape, it started to get a little freaky. I can't be sure... but I'm positive I heard some goat noises. And then, and once again I can't be sure... but I'm positive I heard someone talking Flemish. Baking muffins. They sounded delicious. But the ending was absolutely surreal. Alex was moaning... presumably from pleasure? Then I heard it, that unmistakable voice I've listen to throughout my childhood. Clear as a bell. It was Harry Carey singing, "Take Me out to the Ballgame". Time for the seventh inning stretch. When I get more you'll be the first to know. Promise. Hmmm... I feel like... muffins. Source Here


Into the abyss

So Amy thought she was going through a low ebb huh. I wonder how she'll colorfully describe this crevice she's about to fall into,hmmm. "A London judge sentenced singer Amy Winehouse’s husband today to 27 months in jail for assault and obstructing justice".
You may recall that I mentioned before on these very pages that she was quite delusional about the fact that Blake would be coming home any time soon. She'll no doubt find some loony way to protest this judgment, and then punch some fan in the face. And then she'll get drunk. Ba-da-dum-dum. Thank you, thank you. You're a smart audience. And what's the deal with this weather,huh? Weird. Source Here


He really loves me, he just hasn't told her yet

Lance Bass thought he had found true love, and the right man. A personal trainer named Sebastian Leal. But..and girls, you can relate, it turns out the guy is married! And get this! To a woman,...en plus! It seems Sebastian "married US citizen Jessica Gannon nine years ago - and never got a divorce. The two separated three years ago, due to what Gannon told us through a rep were "irreconcilable differences". Hmmm... that term is so vague. It leaves a lot open to interpretation. Hmmm... I wonder just what irreconcilable differences" got in the way of their marriage? Anyhow what could go wrong, they're in love. A friend of Lance offered this. "Lance and Sebastian are very open with each other and have no secrets."
Out of concern, I called up Lance myself, and asked him to comment about the fact that his boyfriend Sebastian was married to a woman.
He replied, He's what!............ He's f**king married!..............Son of a....... suddenly., I feel fat.
Cheer up Lance I'm sure he'll leave his wife for you. Don't they all? Source Here


Well that's all folks. I gotta go buy some more Shout. Some of these stains really don't want to come out. And what the hell is this? Mayonnaise!.......................Shit! It's not mayonnaise.

Doc B Gone baby gone

If I Had A Million Dollars... I'd Be (Allegedly) Stoned. Dina Loves Her Newly Gay Daughter Lindsay.

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here.

I've been really busy trying to get on my boss’ good side again, so I've been really busy. So no f***ing around. Here's the news.

But first…


"I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that”
“Groucho Marx”


Who?

This headline caught my eye, "Mellencamp calls himself an ‘ex-rock star’". And this is news? Anyhow I guess it's nice to know he's no longer in denial. I'm not sure he ever technically could have qualified as a rock star, one things for sure, he is a long way from being one now. It happens to everyone, they lose their motivation, their drive, their inspiration. That, and he's been hanging out in Willie Nelson's bus too much. Source Here


Is Lilo Gay? Her Mom Sure Hopes So.

Another day, and another story over at the New York Daily News about Lindsay Lohan, and her alleged lover Samantha Ronson. And why not, everyone's doing it? Over at Life & Style magazine
they get right to the point, and ask "Is Lindsay Gay?" Well that is the million dollar question is it not? (or could be if Lilo plays her cards right.) So, is she or isn't she? Whichever it is, her mother isn't taking any chances and is trying to appear accepting and supportive. At a club in Manhattan, Dina "followed the supposedly Sapphic couple around the Sephora party all night, gushing over Sam. Lindsay finally dodged mommy dearest and camped out behind Samantha in the deejay booth, emerging only to have a quick chat with performer Natasha Bedingfield. Couple or not, Lindsay and Sam couldn't have looked happier and Dina was all smiles, telling partygoers just how cute she thought the pair looked, making sure reporters were never out of earshot". I guess it's better than the alternative, such as going through video trying to determine if legal action is warranted, or a settlement is needed. All because your daughter was we stayed again, called up, out back of a nightclub, in the alley, cleaning some guys pipes. All caught on film. Oh joy. No,... something tells me that Dina would much prefer to see Lilo this way, then on some site where you have to pay $19.95 to see her, in all her trailer trash, skanky glory. Muff diving or no, I'm sure Dina will appear to accept this end milk it for all it's worth, to garner favor in the courts against her husband, and the gay demographic she hopes will watch her pathetic reality show. Humph... Mom of the year, indeed. Source Here


... I'd Be Stoned!

If I had $1 million, I could buy a... brick. Hmmm... but with $50 I can get a half a gram.
It seems Steven Page , a member of the Canadian band The Bare Naked Ladies "was charged with fourth-degree criminal possession of a controlled substance, a felony that carries a maximum penalty of up to 15 years in prison" Holy shit! 15 years... for a fourth degree criminal possession! In Canada a child can carry that much coke on him as long as it isn't separated into little bags with the intention of selling. If the kid can prove it's for personal use, then he gets nothing but a slap on the wrist. If that? Anyways, this arrest comes at a bad time for the group as they have just released a children's album entitled "Snacktime". Songs included on the album are Munchies Munchies Munchies, Zig-Zag All the Way to School, Blow the Man down, Fun with Glue, Whippets, and a whimsical cover of Guns and Roses "Mr. Brownstone". Manager Terry McBride had this to say "We cannot comment because the matter is before the courts, but we are confident our client Steven will be completely exonerated," McBride said in a statement. "Until that time, it's business as usual for the Barenaked Ladies."
And thanks to some special magical Colombian powder, business is good. Source Here


Get Over It (Go Habs Go)

Québec nationalist and separatists (aren't they one and the same?) have been an uproar over Paul McCartney performing a free concert as part of Québec's 400th anniversary celebrations. A group of Québec artists and politicians have gotten together and it sent an open letter that denounces McCartney's free concert, saying that his appearance "misrepresents the spirit of the 400th anniversary celebrations, which commemorate the fight for the survival of the French language in North America". Hmmm... it seems to me having Eric Lapointe, or Roch Voisine, or say Les Cowboys Fringants wouldn't pack in 200,000 people. It's a celebration people, not a political rally. However that's not how some people see it. Artist Luc Archambault wishes that "McCartney would invite Quebec folk legend Gilles Vigneault up on stage Sunday night to sing Gens du Pays, Quebec’s unofficial anthem." Reports dennis9962.wordpress.com
Oh great, I hope you have the words written down, because no one can freaking remember them. Anyways you already had Celine Dion set to perform and (unfortunately) remind everyone that she's from the Belle Province. Isn't the humiliation and embarrassment of Celine enough for one celebration? Throughout all this Sir Paul has remained unflappable."I think it's time to smoke the pipes of peace and to just, you know, put away your hatchet because I think it's a show of friendship," McCartney said.
Damn straight... let it be people, let it be. Source Here and Here


A Rappers Cry For Help... Will It Go Unheard?

This just in, DMX arrested again.
What for this time? Hmmm... let me check. (Pause) this could take awhile. It's a really big file, takes a long time to open.
Ah... here we are D. D, Dina , Dick, DMX, hmmm... it's a big freaking file, let me see weapons charges, drug possession, weapons again, weapons again, drugs again, battery, drugs again, animal cruelty, failure to appear in court, drug possession again, and again, ah... here it is."Rapper DMX was arrested at a Phoenix, Arizona, mall Saturday on suspicion of giving a gave a false name and Social Security number to a hospital to get out of paying for medical expenses". The clearly exasperated County Sheriff Joe Arpaio said "He's back in jail again,"I don't know why judges keep letting this guy out. (Fans, I guess?) Every time he goes in there, he gets out on bond.
"I'm hoping this is the one time he's going to pay the penalty for his offense," he added. My dog Bruce thinks this is just another case of the government coming down on the minorities. Bruce claims the government has long had it in--for people whose names are all in CAPITAL letters, such as DMX. I on the other hand do not subscribe to this conspiracy theory. No, it's not a conspiracy that DMX lands in trouble all the time, it's a cry for help. It's obvious DMX is just reaching out... the only way he knows how. It's not the penal system and punishment that will help change this man's life. He's simply... misunderstood, is all. It's most likely he was lacking a father figure while growing up, possibly the child of single mother, prison won't make this man better. Where is your compassion Sheriff Arpaio? Can't you see DMX is hurting, he's reaching out. Don't slap his hand,... take it, and guide him. Make him a better person with your understanding and kindness, won't you?
Together we can make the world a better place, if you will just take take the time and be a dad to DMX, you can make the world a better place. The balls in your court Sheriff Arpaio. What are you going to do? Source Here


Sarah Jessica Is Filled With Rage And Anger.

I found what Sarah Jessica Parker said to Grazia magazine most amusing, "After Maxim.com dubbed Sarah Jessica Parker the “Unsexiest Woman Alive,” the actress told Grazia magazine she found the label “so brutal in a way, so filled with rage and anger.” Hmmm... if she would have been in the magazines feature on Women with Bags on Their Heads, maybe she'd have a point. No the people who named her the Un-Sexiest Woman Alive weren’t feeling rage or anger, although they were being brutally honest about a woman who bears a remarkable resemblance to a very unattractive eunuch. Aren't you the one feeling filled up with rage and anger Sarah, hmmm...? And by the way, why don't you get a mole to chew that thing on the side of your face, it's really offputting. Source Here


Well that's it that's all folks. I gotta go do some ironing. Not mine, my bosses. Like I said, trying to get on his good side again.

Doc B. Gone baby gone