Madonnas sex tape... it's got goats (?!)/Country Music Snobs Snub Jessica

Heidi Ho Folks Doc B here.

Can't talk. Must wash clothes. On a deadline. Heres the news.

But first…

“Before I speak, I have something important to say.”
“Groucho Marx”


Country Crowd Too Cultured for Jessica

That poor girl Jessica Simpson, she just can't catch a break. Unable to cut it as a pop star. A total failure as a film star. A walking punchline as a reality TV star. What else was she to do but turn to country music. So on the weekend she squeezed back into her Daisy Dukes to perform songs off her new country album at something called the "Country Thunder USA festival in Randall, Wisconsin". Hmm… "Country Thunder USA " you say,... it must be culture week in Wisconsin, but I digress. It seems poor little Jessica's stab at performing country music got off to a bit of the inauspicious start. Sensing hostility she tried to warm up the crowd with some old-fashioned country goodness, all natural, just like mom's, humble pie."I don't know what your perception is of Jessica Simpson or what tabloid you buy, but I just want you to know that I'm just a girl from Texas, I'm just like you. I'm doing what I love and dating a boy." Humph! Well I'm not exactly doing what I love, but I would like to know how she found out about the boy I'm dating. Still, unfortunately for Jessica her cute little psychic tricks about love didn't cut her any slack with the audience."Just because she's dating Tony Romo it doesn't make her country," one concertgoer told the Kenosha News, a local paper. Hmmm... he has a point, "it doesn't make her country". No, I suppose it would take a lobotomy, a pickup truck with a gun rack, and a general (or intimate) knowledge of livestock for that. Still I'm not so sure that the concertgoer that the Kenosha News interviewed was "country". Did anyone happen to take notice of his diction? I mean it's obvious,... listen to his grammar. He says"it doesn't make her country". You see, you see, right there. Well can't you see it? It's a big red flag, how could you miss it? The concertgoer says "it doesn't". When in fact the proper "country" phrasing would be, "it don't". And when used in a sentence it would sound like this; "it don't make her country". There. You see the difference? Clearly this concertgoer was some Northerner with an agenda, or ax to grind against poor little Jessica. (pause ) Honestly you would think the Kenosha News would screen their interviews a bit more thoroughly huh. One yokel even went so far as to say that Jessica was,"an embarrassment to country music." Really! More embarrassing than the TV show "Hee Haw". More embarrassing than Toby Keith? I think not. Is it more embarrassing than a whole genre of fans turning their backs on one of their own, simply because they've voiced an opinion about a certain elected president from Texas? Hmmm... somehow I doubt it. And while we're talking about embarrassing,... dudes, you' ve got to do something about those silly shirts. Well regardless of the IQ of her audience, it certainly appears that Jessica Simpson still has some work cut out for her if she wants to cross over into "country" music. Source Here


Sex and lies,and pine tar

I found this rather amusing when I came across it. If it's true, and let me reiterate, big f**king If! There are reports that sex tape between Alex Rodriguez and Madonna exists. It's a I know I know there's a lot of people out there get excited right now. Yeah you know who you are. You can't wait to see this sex tape to find out if Madonna really can walk the walk, like she talks the talk. I hear you. Oh how many fantasies would be ruined if by chance she just happened to lay there, frigid and unresponsive like a wet rag. The story goes like this. " A cameraman claims to have a video of Madonna and baseball player Alex Rodriguez romping on a sofa.
He is trying to sell the tape - allegedly shot with a hidden camera in an apartment owned by a friend of the cameraman which was used by the couple for secret liaisons – for £1 million.
The unnamed owner of the tape claims he visited the property and hid a camera, pointed at the sofa which captured the X-rated footage two months ago." Hmmm... I'm no lawyer that sounds slightly illegal. Fun. But illegal nonetheless. Could this story be true? I suppose it's possible, maybe even plausible. However, Madonna is embarking on a tour for her album, therefore she could be behind all this talk to garner media attention to sell more tickets. Yep, I have my doubts, but I think it may be true. It just so happens a friend of a friend got his hands on some audio of the tape and sent me the transcript. I've received permission from my friend to present to you an excerpt, unedited of course.

Alex; I can't believe this is happening... that were here together,... now.
Madonna: O... you can believe it loverboy. [Zipppp] batter up!
Alex: You know, I never really found you good looking, or beautiful, you know. But you got that look. That look that says you've got something, and that something... is really good.
Madonna: Shut up ball boy, the time for talk is passed. You're in the playoffs now and it's time for action.
Alex:Uh... Gee I don't know, I usually choke in the playoffs. Can't we just pretend it's a spring training?
Madonna: Whatever floats your boat loverboy... did you remember to put pine tar on your bat?
Alex: Pine tar? Won't I get all sticky?
Madonna. Only if you're lucky lover. Take me now or lose me forever.
Alex: Was that the go signal... I'm always get in my signs mixed up?
Madonna: Please don't talk anymore
Alex: (silence)
Madonna: Good!

[Inaudible] This part here was a little muffled folks. But from what my trained ear could decipher, sounded a lot like naked flesh on leather. You know, that sound that happens when you get out of your car seat on a sticky day after you've been driving for an hour. That sound, lots of it, for about 40 minutes. Towards the end of the tape, it started to get a little freaky. I can't be sure... but I'm positive I heard some goat noises. And then, and once again I can't be sure... but I'm positive I heard someone talking Flemish. Baking muffins. They sounded delicious. But the ending was absolutely surreal. Alex was moaning... presumably from pleasure? Then I heard it, that unmistakable voice I've listen to throughout my childhood. Clear as a bell. It was Harry Carey singing, "Take Me out to the Ballgame". Time for the seventh inning stretch. When I get more you'll be the first to know. Promise. Hmmm... I feel like... muffins. Source Here


Into the abyss

So Amy thought she was going through a low ebb huh. I wonder how she'll colorfully describe this crevice she's about to fall into,hmmm. "A London judge sentenced singer Amy Winehouse’s husband today to 27 months in jail for assault and obstructing justice".
You may recall that I mentioned before on these very pages that she was quite delusional about the fact that Blake would be coming home any time soon. She'll no doubt find some loony way to protest this judgment, and then punch some fan in the face. And then she'll get drunk. Ba-da-dum-dum. Thank you, thank you. You're a smart audience. And what's the deal with this weather,huh? Weird. Source Here


He really loves me, he just hasn't told her yet

Lance Bass thought he had found true love, and the right man. A personal trainer named Sebastian Leal. But..and girls, you can relate, it turns out the guy is married! And get this! To a woman,...en plus! It seems Sebastian "married US citizen Jessica Gannon nine years ago - and never got a divorce. The two separated three years ago, due to what Gannon told us through a rep were "irreconcilable differences". Hmmm... that term is so vague. It leaves a lot open to interpretation. Hmmm... I wonder just what irreconcilable differences" got in the way of their marriage? Anyhow what could go wrong, they're in love. A friend of Lance offered this. "Lance and Sebastian are very open with each other and have no secrets."
Out of concern, I called up Lance myself, and asked him to comment about the fact that his boyfriend Sebastian was married to a woman.
He replied, He's what!............ He's f**king married!..............Son of a....... suddenly., I feel fat.
Cheer up Lance I'm sure he'll leave his wife for you. Don't they all? Source Here


Well that's all folks. I gotta go buy some more Shout. Some of these stains really don't want to come out. And what the hell is this? Mayonnaise!.......................Shit! It's not mayonnaise.

Doc B Gone baby gone