Ryan Seacrest Naked, Oprah’s Army, Valerie Bertinelli Talks About Spitzer’s Dick

God dag, Doc B. here,

Easter's upon us, so spring must be near, soon enough, flowers will begin to pop-up, days are longer, the weather gets hotter, and we can store the heavy jackets, as another winter has passed. Soon, the East coast girls will be just as undressed and reckless as the West coast girls, and these posts will write themselves thanks to all the activity in la-la land.
Remember this is all in fun. Let’s move on.


But first…


“Comedy is life viewed from a distance; tragedy, life in a close-up.”
“Charlie Chaplin”


Idol’s Exile Island

Bo Bice, Ace Young, and Jon Peter Lewis, all Idol finalist, are going to summer camp, Idol camp to be precise.Once there, are lucky American Idol non-winner, will mentor spoiled rich, snotty brats, perform songs for their amusement like the hired help they’ve become. The three Idol cast-offs will even teach some classes. (OH joy). Is it just me, or does this camp seem like the ultimate destination for the “not-quite” Idols who are desperate enough to keep cashing in on their brief moment of fame.

No doubt the A.I. camera’s will be there to manufa…. capture the tender, warm moments that the Idols actions inspire in the children, like, perhaps when Bo Bice, in a moment of pure spontaneity, picks a log beside the fireplace, and starts banging it on the floor, while leading the young campers in a chant to lift their little’s spirits. “It just doesn’t matter, it just doesn’t matter” yells Bo. The campers cheer him on, as Bo tells them that “it just doesn’t matter if they win or lose.” Yes. Because Bo would know all about winning right. Idols cameras would be there to immortalize the moment. Perfecto. Then, the show could cut to another touching Idol Camp moment, when that good lookin finalist Ace Young, helps “Camp Idol” win a big wrestling match against their bitter rivals from camp “So You Think You Can Dance”. Classic! Another Idol water cooler moment. Finally the last segment would no doubt feature that crazy Jon Peter Lewis winning a cross-country marathon so Camp Idol could walk off with the trophy. Of course all these segments would be aired as filler during elimination episodes when the group is smaller. Wow, I tell ya that American Idol is on well oiled machine with all cylinders firing.
There is no escape. Source: LATimes


When Audiences Attack

A woman from Chicago is suing the Oprah show, claiming she was pushed down a flight of stairs by the crowd rushing for first come, first serve seating. You know I’ve seen the look on the faces of the crowds that attend the Oprah show, and they’re scary. Seriously, don’t get in between these people. They so want to be in the presence of the Empress Oprah that they would gut and skin anyone that gets in the way. If you look into their eyes you will understand.There is no life, no soul, just darkness.Brrrrr. You’ve been warned folks, stick to Regis and Kelly tapings. Way Safer!
Source: A.P.


One Dick At A Time

Well, well, well, it seems that Valerie Bertinelli (TV’s “One Day At A Time”) has been getting around nicely, thank you very much. How else would you explain this remark then, overheard in a N.Y. restaurant. “I care less about Eliot Spitzer’s dick than I do about healthcare.”
Hmmm… She doesn’t seem to care about issues in this, an important time in American politics. However, in the women’s washroom, I’m sure she was very convincing when she told her friends that she cared more about Rudy Guiliani’s ball-sack, Than she did about the economy.
There’s always two sides, they like to say.
Michael Musto : Village Voice


Ryan Seacrest’s Secret Twin

I was amazed reading an interview with Ryan Seacrest, at how much we have in common, he and I. In the interview Ryan answered a question this way. “Me naked! I’m not turned on by it.” Yup, that makes two of us. See, we’re like twins, of somethin’.
Source: L.A.Times.

Gotta go folks, I better finish painting my rabbits if I want Easter eggs by tomorrow. As my twin would say.

Seacrest, Out!

Doc. B.

Lindsay Lohan’s hot new career, Zac Efron’s closet opens, and Winona Rydes again.

Welcome, step into my office, take off your pants and stay a bit…….fantastic.

It seems Britney, Lilo, and Zac crossed into my peripheral vision and found themselves featured on this page just below,…but first.

T’was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
“W.C. Fields”


Lilo’s “I know who taped me”

Well, well, well, it seems Lindsay Lohan has joined the celeb porn ranks. It would seem her boyfriend, Callum Best taped her while she was polishing his mantle and now (shock) the tape has been leaked (horror). Does this even surprise anyone anymore? Every time some B list starlet or neo-celebs 15 minutes seem to be up, another tape surfaces for all to click and gawk, at the poor pathetic soul lapping up some guys meat muscle in some cheap hotel room, or bathroom stall. Ironic isn’t it, that these starlets who think the worlds on a string for only them, always end up with rug burns or scrapes on their knees as they perform the most degrading sex acts in the seediest of places. Lilo’s reps are denying it’s her in the tape, but only Howdy Doody has freckles that are more recognizable than Lindsay’s. But hey, cheer up girl, there’s way more people checking you de-bone Callum’s flesh puppet, as opposed to your performance in “I know who killed me”( and my career) and that’s a good thing, because you want to put that turkey of a movie far behind you don’t you. I thought so, relax, and lap up the attention you’re getting now, because almost all the sands in the hourglass have fallen.
Source: page six NYPost


Sorry Girls, bad news.

“High School Musical’s” Zac Efron says Liza Minelli is one of his greatest inspirations. Yah,sure, cause all teenage boys grow up dreaming to be just like Liza, puh-leese. Seem’s like the closet door has just cracked open a little bit. (you don’t think a powerful movie studio would manufacture a romance to protect one of their brightest assets, do you?) Next he’ll be spotted picking up Barbara Streisand CD’s and hanging out with Rosie. C’mon Zac, quit hinting at it, and just spill the beans. It makes no difference in anyone’s mind but yours, and come on, Hollywood is a forgiving and nurturing place in the world, where secrets are unnecessary, and everybody’s tits are real. So relax and just be yourself. That’s the prescription to happiness, that, and Cher’s wardrobe.
News.com


Farewell Jericho, we hardly knew you.

C.B.S. announces TV show “Jericho” will be cancelled. “Jericho”, eh… hmmm doesn’t ring a bell. Are you sure its on TV cause I have a TV. Guide, I read the entertainment news and I’ve never heard of it. I think its about a wrestler or something, oh well, if you’re a fan, last shows on Tuesday March 25th.


The pig’s mistress has spoken

Is everybody trying to flay the skin off Britney or is it just me. Now some slut who cheated with Brit’s boyfriend tells all.

“Amanda Pagel” who claims she slept with (Adnan) Ghalib for three months behind Spears back, said: “Britney used to call all the time when he was at mine. She sent hundreds of texts a day, sometimes just seconds apart.” www.news.com.au

Jeez, c’mon Brit, chill, dog’s don’t like being on a leash. Texting a guy all day long isn’t going to look good. He might think you’re desperate or needy, or worse unstable (although there’s no evidence of that is there) Give him space if you don’t want to lose him. Unless, of course you suspect he’s a dirty, cheating, lying son of a pig. Unless you suspect that some skank has got her meat hooks in him, then perhaps your behaviour would make sense. However, recent history points to you being a little flaky and prone to bizarre shopping spree etiquette “faut pas”. (and mental ward lockdowns) But you know what, I’m on your side here that’s what. So some floozy made time with your man, so what. You’re better than her, so keep your chin up and your skirt down and lay low, and this too shall pass, trust me, I’ve got a degree.


Another one!

Kristin Davis sex tape hits the web… (yawn) “Sex and the City” the movie comes out in May. Coincidence, you think? Nah!


Winona Ryder: Thief of hearts

Oh no, I hope this isn’t true but it would seem Winona Ryder (she of lovely dark brown hair, little waist, and big round…Eyes) might have sticky fingers again. The National Enquirer reports “an alarm went off and a security guard reportedly found some makeup on her she didn’t have a receipt for.” A store employee said “We took the unpaid items back, and she left the store.” Girl, what are you doing stealing makeup, you don’t need that stuff, you’re beautiful in a clean natural way. You steal hearts, isn’t that enough, you sure stole mine, you little minx, you. Ahhh. I’m sure it’s all a misunderstanding, you can’t trust these store employee’s and their crazy hidden agenda’s. Winona, you don’t need this kind of publicity, it smells desperate. Next thing you know, a sex tape of hers is going to go viral, you just wait and see. (P.S. Winona, you don’t have a receipt for that heart of mine, and I’d like it back, ok. Ok.)


Well I hate to be crude and rude, but I gotta go now, gonna drop a loaf just like Vincent Vega. Gonna catch up on my reading.

Until next time, keep your feet dry and your pants on.

Doc. B.

Hurricane Heather Mills blows Miss U.S.A. + No smokes for “U”.

Hello Folks Doc. B. here.

Slow day for stories, no births, no new breakups. However I do have confession to make, a little secret I’ve been hiding that I feel if you, the reader are going to trust me, I must reveal it. So here goes, and please don’t judge. I’ve, or I should say, I’m f***ing Ben Affleck. There, I told you, now a huge weight has been lifted off me. Felt like I was pinned under Rosie O’Donnel. Hey, I said don’t judge. OMG. Let he who hath no sin cast the first stone alright. Geez, I never should have told you. Let’s move on.


View this, Barbara.

Anderson Cooper says he didn’t get in fight with Charlie Rose. However he has yet to deny that he wiped the floor with Barbara Walters (she has a wicked temper but fights out of her weight class)


Paris in the U.K.

The Mirror reports that when Bon Jovi tours in the U.K., they encouraged people to send in home movies. The band was apparently taken aback by some of the videos they received, full of sex and nudity. Boy, that Paris Hilton really gets around huh.


Austin Power: You might be a cunning linguist, but I am a master debater. Heh, heh, you said masturbate, heh, heh.


Smoke and mirrors

“Shia Labeouf has pleaded not guilty to an unlawful smoking charge” I have not been able to confirm, as of yet, that his defense will be that he is a actor, and that he was not smoking, but merely creating the façade, or illusion if you will of a hardened smoker. This is ridiculous. He was in “Disturbia” for gods sake, it’s all done with mirrors, it’s not real. Why hasn’t this case been dismissed yet, this is an outrage these people are above these petty little laws. Let them create dammit, stop the persecution. They’re special.
Source: Associated Press


Groucho Marx: Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.


Slamming them back with Heather Mills

The Miss U.S.A. pageant continues to plumb to new depths, Word comes now that Donald Trump has brought Heather Mills, the ever pleasant and cheerful and beloved ex-wife of Sir. Paul to judge. (What Omarosa was busy), Oh, she’ll judge alright, judge how much your worth, whether your worth the effort, and time. Too bad Ellis Island is no longer an option. Maybe we’ll get lucky and she’ll be photographed drinking shots out of the navel of the winner. Yes, a man can dream.
Sources: FoxNews.com


Ed Norton: “Down in the sewer, we got a slogan, keep your mouth shut.”


Been a long day, need a rest, doctor’s orders. Nighty-nite, don’t let the bedbugs bite, seriously, the little buggers really hurt. You can never get rid of those little microscopic bastards, I tried setting them on fire once, but then I had no where to sleep. (Thank god for Ben) Anyways.

Gotta go do the funky chicken.

Ta-Ta

Doc. B.

My Toe’s + Richie Samboras Doppelganger

Heidi-Ho Folks, Doc B here

I must confess I didn’t see much I liked, but I took off my socks and removed the lint between my toes, and produced the dust particles that follow, enjoy (P.S. wear gloves)

You booked us where!

Fall Out Boy set to play in Antarctica (Please insert your penis/popsicle Joke here)
NZherald.co.nz

Wanted dead or alive

An Adelaide man, who took the name of a rock star to steal millions of dollars from finance companies, has been jailed for 16 years. Romeo Pacifico, who changed his name to Richie Sambora, the same as the Bon Jovi guitarist, managed to obtain cash loans totalling $25 million US. NZherald.co.nz
Hmmm…I wonder if this guy got to sleep with Heather Locklear too! I never thought I’d say this but, I guess it really does pay to be Richie Sambora.


Here’s some useless trivia

The cost of the original Barbie doll in 1959 was 3.00$. Barbie has a long list of jobs on her employment history sheet.

Fashion Model (of Course)
Ballerina
Stewardess (sorry flight attendant or technician whatever)
Teacher
Olympic Athlete (Not the Tanya Harding doll is it?)
Rock singer
Perfume Designer
Animal Rights Volunteer (No Shit)
Enlistee in all 3 US Branches of the Military

Barbie has upset peace-niks when she wore the fatigues. Angered loggers for being an activist. Yet many women’s groups believe Barbie to be a harmful role model. Hmmph… go figure.

Question: What was Barbie’s first car?

Fact: Barbie was named after the daughter of Ruth Handler, co-founder of Mattel. Her son Ken, would get his own doll soon after.

Answer: Barbie’s first car was a 1962 pink Austin-Healy

Source: The Whole Pop Catalog, The berkely pop culture Project. Avon Books


T.V. Quotes

You know the really great thing about television? If something important happens, anywhere in the world, night or day… you can always change the channel
“Reverend Jim Ignatowski, Taxi”

Why, you’re one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen, and that’s not saying much for you.
“Groucho Marx to Margaret Dumont”

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn’t want to own one.
“W.C. Fields”

Source: The Whole Pop Catalog, The berkely pop culture Project. Avon Books


Jack Whites Black… I mean back.

I see Jack white is releasing another disc with the Raconteurs, it’s not as good as The White Stripes material, but any Jack White material is better than none at all. And Meg hasn’t done any more sex tapes lately so this will have to do.


Amanda Overmyer we hardly knew you

America got it wrong folks, they sent home Amanda Overmyer (our rocker nurse). For the last 2 weeks she’s butchered Lennon and McCartney songs. Yet she remains.


Voted off the Island

Survivor got it right at least, Tracy voted off the island. Is it just me, or does it look like Amanda is gonna sneak into the top 3 again.


Hmmm… feel like I’m coming down with something. Better wash my feet, and then go see my exorcist so I’m in shape for the weekend.

Gotta go, the power of Christ compels me.

Doc. B.

Halle’s Blue Berry and Snoop Dogg’s Clay Aiken putdown.

Hi folks, Doc B. here,

As I type this I am wearing the darkest sunglasses I could find in the house, I must confess I had too much green beer yesterday. I woke up in someone else’s pants. So bear with me I’m clunky today. And the crotch rides up too high on these pants. Very disconcerting. Lets move on.


Big girls are beautiful

Snoop Dogg says only good looking women are selling records. He also said quite charmingly “The ugly ones just be singing their little hearts out but don’t get no sales.” Somewhere in a dark quiet room. Clay Aiken weeps. He just hates it when people point out how badly his second album sold. And when people call him ugly. Cheer up Clay, Snoop Dogg did add this “you beautiful on the inside, baby.” Your humble Doctor Bubbahump couldn’t agree more.
Mirror.co.uk


I am what I am

After being sentenced to 3 years probation Busta Rhymes says “I have no trouble being a good dude because that’s what I am.” That’s right folks, and you can believe him because all good dudes beat up their drivers and punch out their fans.
Source: AP. Samuel Maull.


Calling Riggs and Murtaugh

“Gary Busey apologizes for embracing Jennifer Garner on the Oscar red carpert. Alas, still no apology forthcoming about his hair.
Source: AP.


Halle Berry drops the ball

ETonline has confirmed that Halle Berry has named her baby girl Nahla Ariela Aubry. Aubrey is the name of her boyfriend Gabriel Aubry. Hmph…, I’m really disappointed we got Apple from Gwyn, Lourdes from Madonna… but this,… this is just boring. Why couldn’t she name her baby Raz, or Huckle or Straw, you know. Blue! Blue Berry that's it! That's perfect, I’m gonna call her, she can still change her mind. You can’t let a kid grow up with a name like Nahla, she’s going to get picked on, honestly some people hmmph.


The big one

Kirstie Alley has signed a TV deal with Oprah’s company Harpo. It will be good for Kirstie to leave behind that loud, fat, unpredictable persona she’s become, and revert back to her old ways which was loud, crude and unpredictable (Remember when she said her husband had the BIG ONE). Hmmm…. I wonder who she’s dating now, and I hope he feels adequate enough in that department the next time Kirstie shoots her mouth off. Should make for good TV., yes
Source: ETonline


Janes Addiction

I noticed Thomas Jane got arrested the other day for D.U.I.. What’s that… Thomas who you say. C’mon you know him, remember “Deep Blue Sea”. No? How bout “61*”, you gotta remember that one right. (pause) “The Punisher”. Still don’t remember him. Forget I mentioned it then.


Gotta go, the dog's making a funny noise.

Hasta La Vista,

Doc. B.

How not to find Mr Right by Britney Spears

Top of the morn to ye, Happy St-Patrick’s day to all my patients.

Good day everyone, today’s lesson MARRY WELL
Heed this warning that follows.

Marry well part 1

I was reading an article on Britney Spears today that made me stop and think “my god, this girl is getting dumped on and screwed by everyone.” The article in question (by the Associated Press) said that Britney had to pay K-Fed “375 000$ US” to cover his attorney fee’s in the child-custody dispute. I mean come on! This guy owes his fame to her, because he was married to her. I said to myself, “that’s just not fair”, why should Britney pay this deadbeat doofus’s legal bills. What was the court commissioner thinking, when he made this ruling. What an ass, what a complete and utter ass. Then, dear readers I read more of the article, which follows. Federline’s lawyer argued “that Spear’s actions led to a great majority of the litigation and delays in the case.”……then it hit me, that I had forgotten one verry important thing. Shes a crazzzy bitch. I can’t believe I forgot for one brief second, the haircut, going pantiless, the breakdown, and lock down. The erratic behaviour, and playing the victim, all while seeking publicity and attention. I can’t believe I forgot all that. Hmmm… I must be getting old

Recess

I found a list of weird deaths by rock and roll stars at the Mirror.co.uk I had heard most before, but I did like these three.

# 1 French pop star Claude François- who penned My Way – was accidentally electrocuted when he tried to fix a broken light bulb while standing in a filled bathtub.

# 4 Blues and R&B legend Johnny Ace went out in spectacular style playing Russian Roulette back stage at a concert in Houston, Texas on Christmas Day, 1954.

# 5 Taking a lead from Ace, Terry Kath, the original guitarist of jazz pop act Chicago accidentally killed himself while jokingly playing the same game in 1978. His last words were, “Don’t worry, it’s not loaded”.

I think number 5 is the best one, better punch line. Man, did I just write that? Let’s move on.

Marry well Part 2

I can’t believe this. Now the mirror.co.uk is reporting that K-Fed and Britney’s dad Jamie are thinking of opening a restaurant together. If this girl didn’t have bad luck, she’d have no luck at all. Why don’t K-Fed and her father just rip her hair out, strip her naked, and toss her in front of a moving bus if they wanted to humiliate her. This must be what Chinese water torture feels like. This ongoing shame and embarrassment this poor girl must feel. Oh! Yeah, forgot. She’s a crazzzy bitch. My bad.

Too much Britney makes my head feel light.

Here end’th the lesson

Gotta go now

God be with you Britney
Doc B. Out.

Top Guns and dancing queens

How’s it hanging? It’s a bit of a slow news day so bear with me. (Or maybe I’m just slow). Lets get started.


House of horrors

One of favourite directors, Sam Raimi (The Evil Dead) is said to be developing a horror themed reality show ( I thought Big Brother was, hmm.), for the CW Network. Contestants will have to deal with their fears while staying at some appropriately spooky place. They haven’t decided on the location yet, an evil small town, a lakeside retreat are said to be up for consideration. Hey I got on idea, how about filming at Britney’s house.

For he’s a jolly good nutbar.

Tom Cruise jumping up and down, slapping his knee repeatedly, dancing and singing. No, its not Oprah’s couch part deux, its his party and he’ll act like a fool if he want to. It was Tom Tom’s birthday, and only a few hundred of Scientology’s brainwashed clones were invited. In the clip you can see on YouTube, the band serenades Tommy TooMuch with the themes from “Top Gun”, “Mission Impossible”, before breaking into Bob Seager’s “Old time rock and roll”. Tommy Big Grin then jumps on stage to dance and sing-a-long (3 out of a possible 10 score, if you’re keeping track at home) Tommy Too Much doesn’t look any wiser, just weird, as usual.
PS. Check out Jerry O’Connell’s spot-on impersonation of Tom, if you already haven’t at http://www.splattermail.org. It’s Grrreatt! As Tony the tiger would say.

I just saw Madonna’s new album cover, and what else is new, she tries to be shocking as usual. Honestly, if this woman was one quarter as sexual as her persona, her hubby Guy, would never be heard from again. No doubt, he would be too exhausted and limp, too tired to get out of bed. I haven’t seen him lately though…hmmm. thesuperficial.com

Ring-a-ding-dingy

Staying with Madonna, Jori Jordan, the party crasher that caused such a stir at the Rock and Roll Hall of fame induction’s says “Madonna is such an inspiration to me.” She also say’s she would like to tour with the Material girl “It’d be the opportunity of a lifetime” I’m sure it would be. What better way to make a good impression by upstaging Madonna on the eve of her crowning achievement in the music business. Stay by the phone dear,the next ring could be your dream come true. Yah, as if! Britney’ll put together a coherent sentence, before Madge calls you anytime soon. Ny Post


Here are some of the best sound bites from TV over the last week as compiled by EW.com

''Oh boy, dinnertime! The perfect break between work and drunk.''
HOMER (DAN CASTELLANETA) ON THE SIMPSONS

''It's a little Mail Order Bride No. 1.''
PAULINA PORIZKOVA, DESCRIBING KATARZYNA'S LINGERIE PHOTO SHOOT, ON AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

''Mike Huckabee finally dropped out and said he is joining forces with John McCain. Oh, that's great, a guy who doesn't believe in evolution with a guy who remembers it.''
BILL MAHER, ON REAL TIME

''There have been charges of foul play from both sides. Obama has accused Clinton of smearing him by implying that he's a Muslim or Muslim sympathizer and Clinton has accused Obama's people of trying to dump a bucket of water on her and make her melt.''
JIMMY KIMMEL, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE!


That’s all I got folks
Good night sweetheart, good night.

Doc B.