Eva Longoria And Bodily Fluids / Double-Mint Twins

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here


I received a rather disturbing package in the mail today, a box, which I opened, only to find wrapped up in newspaper, a fish wearing a pair of silk boxers I left at Bubbles apartment. Confused, I took the box with me across the street to my neighbors house, Luigi. He's the owner of our local Chinese restaurant (??!!) Anyhow, I showed him the contents of my box and asked him if he knew if it t meant anything to him. Well it's obvious, said Luigi, this newspaper is only good for wrapping up fish and training your dog.
Having settled that, I went back into that house, put the fish in the refrigerator so as to save it for Luis when he gets back. Then I took a nap. And that was pretty much my day, exotic, huh. Here's the news.


But first…


“I like someone who is a little crazy but coming from a good place. I think scars are sexy because it means you made a mistake that led to a mess.”
“Angelina Jolie”


Ladies And Gentlemen Introducing Bon Jolie And Arm Pitt

Brad and Angelina's brood is growing exponentially, the couple continue to strive for a family large enough to field a soccer team. Now they welcome to newborn twin daughters. Now don't get your hopes up because the names of the new brats are not ridiculous or silly as we have become accustomed to from celebrities. The poop machines are to be called Isla Marcheline and Amelie Jane, apparently after each of the couple's mothers. All together now,… Awwwww. How sweet, yet disappointing at the same time. I mean couldn't make have come up with something a little more original. Like say if the kids are using Brad's last name, Pitt, then logic says you would name your kid Arm or Mosh. Or if the kids are going to use Angie's last name, Jolie, then you would call them Bon and Holly, or something. Isla and Amelie is a bit of a letdown don’t you think. I know I was hoping for something better, something juicier. Oh well, I guess I have to pin all my hopes on Ashley and Pete's baby now. I guess it would be too much to ask of Ashlee if she has a boy to name him OJ wouldn't it? Ooh... what about Homer? You know, from the Greek literature, people hardly use it anymore. She could bring it back. Anyhow, after this Brangelina fiasco, it's up to Ashlee and Pete to carry the torch of celebs naming their babies badly. Hmmm… When's she due? Source Here


Kathleen Turner Is Unhinged

Hey there Kathleen Turner, bitter much. I noticed that Kathleen has turned up in Wales [you go where the money is] to attend something called the Hay Festival. Sounds quaint doesn't it. Anyhow in a story that she told to the Mirror, she tells how she hitch hiked to get to the store. [My mom says that's dangerous]A man called Martin stopped and picked Kathleen up and took her to a nearby petrol station with a shop. She described how on the way she revealed her identity to the shocked driver. “He said he was going to the Hay Festival and I said, ‘So am I. I’m the American actress Kathleen Turner. “He said, ‘You’re not?’
This triggered a switch in her head and she suddenly went postal. Are you calling me a liar, she screamed. Michael Douglas once called me a liar, once. I fixed him, I was surprised to know he was still fertile. He got lucky. By now she had one hand on the poor drivers package ,and her other hand was holding a rather large, sharp hairpin under Martin's chin. Pull over! She told the driver, and he did rather hurriedly. Get out of the car she screamed, which he did again rather hurriedly. Kathleen got behind the wheel, stuck her head out the window and screamed at Martin. Who am I now huh! You f***ing believe me now motherf***er, huh. You'll remember who I am now won't you motherf***er. I'm Kathleen Turner, bitch! And with that, she sped off to the Hay Festival.
And if grand theft auto wasn't enough for one day, Kathleen also trashes today's celebs.“To me a celebrity now isn’t necessarily based on work at all. People are known for nothing now – it doesn’t matter what you do as long as you’re famous and people adore you.” Well, duh! Isn't that the whole point. For people to adore you, for you to be famous, isn't that what life is all about. I mean c'mon lady, aren't you just being a bit bitter here. Because you were once a famous actress, before you were labeled troublesome and a bit of a lush, doesn't give you license to demean today's celebs. Besides, what is your body of work giving you today. A Hay Festival, that's what. Just because go to sleep from no one remembers you, doesn't mean you can sh*t on the Britney's and Lilo's of the world. They are infinitely more interesting than you, and way more talented. And if you need proof Kathleen, just check out One Night in Paris. Now that's talent. So why don't you just shut up, you're just jealous as nobody knows who you are. What exactly is the War of the Roses anyhow. Is it about rival florist, sounds pretty stupid to me. Honestly, these old actresses just don't know how to disappear and go quietly into that good night. Source Here


Drools So Not Cool

The short, but sultry Eva Longoria sure knows how to please the man in her life. Her hubby, basketball player Tony Parker, is a big fan of the Alien vs. Predator movies. [My 11-year-old cousin is a big fan too] anyhow Eva bought him to rather large statues of the characters from the movies. Eva talks about seeing them for the first time. "When they arrived I was like, 'Oh my God, they're so scary.' "The alien even has the drool - they are absolutely terrifying!" They’re you go all you freaks, fan boys, and stalkers out there. Wipe that the drool off your chin when you meet Eva. Not cool dude. So not cool. And neither is the pocket organizer, so bitch that too. And can we do something about those zits, they're disgusting. They have stuff to clear that up now you know. Awww... don't sulk, it makes you look feminine. Source Here


Do Ya Think I’m Breathy

It seems some of the UK papers are making a big deal about some oxygen backstage at Rod Stewart's concerts. I don't know why it would be such a big deal, I mean the guy's friggin' 63 years old, I can picture him getting a little winded. Anyhow Stewart's spokesman fired back about Rod needing the oxygen "Preposterous. Totally not true," said Stewarts’s spokesman Arnold Stiefel when asked if his client had required oxygen at any time during the tour. "He's in the shape of a 25 year old and works out all the time. What he does in two hours onstage is nothing compared to what he does in the gym." Hmmm... I want pictures of this 25-year-old that he supposedly is in the same shape of. I want proof. His spokesman continued "We don't use oxygen," confirmed Stewart's long-time road manager Lars Brogaard. "It's been on the rider as part of the first aid kit for ever and ever when we play higher altitude gigs, but it's never been used." Well that's not entirely true, sometimes for recreational purposes we might have used it. You know, for a little fun. If you ask me the British media is blowing this way out of proportion. As they’re apt to do. Source Here


Well that's all their news tonight folks. Just crumbs, really. I gotta go take care of the bikini line, summers right around the corner.

Doc B. gone baby gone

Is It Prison For Bill Murray And 50 Cent?

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here

I've received a couple of postcards today, one from my brother Lance who's on the road with a band called The Semen Discharge. And the one other from Bubble's. Lenses postcard is from Germany, and it's features a picture of a rather large woman with a huge mug of beer placed in her "hoo ha". Bubble's postcard is from the convenience store at the corner of my street. She only when wrote two words, "I'm baaack".
(Gulp) the hairs on the back of my neck just did cartwheels. I got to admit, I'm starting to feel a little worried again, what with Luis visiting his family, and Antonio still out of town at the MTV Porn Awards, (they're new) and Bruce still unable to walk, much less be able to defend me. Almost makes me wish I didn't trim his nails so short. Almost. Anyhow, here's the news.


But first...

"The first half of our life is ruined by her parents and the second half by our children."
"Clarence Darrow."


The Guide To Piss Poor Parenting: By Dina Lohan

Dina Lohan continues to strive to be America's top mother [she's the reigning Long Island mother] by being bold in her approach and avant-garde in her method. Viewers of E!'s "Living Lohan" were disturbed by the scene in the first episode where Dina is at her computer watching a sex tape of a Lindsay look-alike, when Ali, 14, walks in and asks, "Is that Lindsay?" Well dear I'm not sure yet I'm waiting to see if I recognize her fillings, but it doesn't look like her technique anyways. But seriously folks, is she for real, I mean you know, is this how she really is, because if she is,
** this shit is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This shit is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
honestly folks, I'm beginning to think these kids never had a f***ing chance. Maybe what's needed here is some divine intervention, come on folks, let us pray. OK, OK, let's not and say we did. Source Here (**Gwen Stefani)


My Foot Your Foot

Here's a good one, earlier this month Steve Tyler of Aerosmith checked into rehab, but apparently it wasn't for addiction, it had something to do with his feet. Yes you read that right, his feet. "The doctors told me the pain in my feet could be corrected, but it would require a few surgeries over time," said the singer in a statement. "The 'foot repair' pain was intense — far greater than I'd anticipated. The months of rehabilitative care and the painful strain of physical therapy were traumatic. I really needed a safe environment to recuperate where I could shut off my phone and get back on my feet."
Yeah cause every time I get a headache I like to check myself into the mental Ward at the hospital and just relax in a padded cell. It's a good thing Steve isn't a salesman trying to sell a vacuum cleaner to your average housewife. He's not very convincing and I'm sure not buying his spiel about rehab being a good place to heal his foot. Or maybe he's been in and out of so many over the years he just missed the place. Source Here


Is Bill Murray Walking On The Razor's Edge

Actor and comedian Bill Murray is rarely in the news and I'm sure he wishes he wasn't in it today. The divorce papers, obtained by a local newspaper before the courts sealed them, state that Mrs Butler Murray moved out with their four children to a house in Sullivan Island, South Carolina, due to Mr Murray's "adultery, addiction to marijuana and alcohol, abusive behaviour, physical abuse, sexual addiction [and] frequent abandonment". Jeez there is some pretty serious charges in here, and Murray has always seemed a little odd so I can't say I'm completely surprised. However I didn't think he would physically abuse someone [“What About Bob” is pretty close though] I guess this is just another case of a comedian's dark side coming to light. Well, when he’s on his deathbed he'll receive the gift of total consciousness, so at least he's got that going for him. Source Here


Batpiss

Christian Bale talks about squeezing himself back into the bat suit once again [mine is at the cleaners] and he seems like quite the pussy, too. He says, "I was standing on the back lot where they were creating the suit, and I had a few minutes to myself... just thinking, 'This isn't going to work. I'm claustrophobic, I can't breathe, I'm getting a headache already, and this is all going to go very badly." Badly indeed, for Bale pissed himself, causing the microphone attached inside the suit to short out and catch fire. Now Bale has third-degree burns all along where the frank meets the beans to go along with that wicked headache of his. I heard Bale is a method actor, maybe he should use his method to see if he can play someone who actually has a set of balls on him. Honestly maybe he should choose projects more to his liking, like Sex and the City, or the sequel to Driving Miss Daisy II: Daisy Dons Depends. Source Here


Hot In Herre

Do you folks remember a little while ago, I told you about 50 Cent refusing to support a child he had with an old girlfriend? Well I have an update, and this story might have legs. 50 Cent's mansion burned to the ground yesterday - and his enraged ex-girlfriend, who was living in the house with their son, accused the entertainer of torching the $2.4 million Long Island home. Damn that's a lot of money to see go up in flames, think how many times he could've made it rain at the strip club, but instead it's nothing but a pile of cinder and ashes. He's ex-girlfriend, a Ms ShaniquaTompkins says the rap superstar is the one behind the blaze."He threatened me on Monday. He said, 'Watch what I'll do. I'll have someone come kill you,' " said Tompkins, who has filed a Manhattan Supreme Court suit claiming she's entitled to half of 50 Cent's fortune and the house that's now in ruins. In her suit, Tompkins claimed the rapper promised to give her the house 12 years ago and a judge stayed the eviction until the facts were litigated. "That's a moot point now," said Tompkins' lawyer Paul Catsandonis."He tried to kill me and his own child," Tompkins claimed, as she stood screaming outside the decimated mansion hours after the inferno. Humph ... the windmills of my mind are turning,... and in the background I hear something. What could it be? Why, it's music.
**The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire,
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire,
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire,
We don't need no water let the motherf***er burn,
Burn motherf***er burn.
Yes sirree folks, Fiddy' might have stepped into a big pile of a dog shit here. If this turns out to be true, it's Fiddy who will burn. Source Here (** The Bloodhound Gang)


The Icewoman Cometh

It doesn't sound like Nicole Kidman will be winning any mother of the year awards either. Kidman talked to a gossip magazine from the UK about her relationship with the children she adopted with Tom Cruise."It's a pity they have been manipulated by the father to distance themselves from me." Really Tom Cruise is manipulative, go figure. Who knew! Nicole went on to talk about Mother's Day with the kids.The Moulin Rouge star adds that she had planned on spending Mother's Day with her children, but they ended up spending the day with father Cruise and wife Katie Holmes instead."They are closer to their new mom now," she adds. Hmmm... come to think of it I never see Nicole with her kids, maybe they give her a rash. All I know is the impression Nicole gives off is an extremely cold one. Boy hand jobs from her must be a bitch. Source Here


It’s Hedley

And finally some sad news, comedy legend Harvey Korman is passed away, he was 81. Korman died at UCLA Medical Center after suffering complications from the rupture of an abdominal aortic aneurysm four months ago, his family said. He had undergone several major operations. Actually my grandfather passed away under the same circumstances. And it was with my grandfather that I watched the Carol Burnett show which featured Harvey. Those are memories that I cherish, not only of my grandfather, but of Harvey on the show. Of course later on, Harvey would appear in many of Mel Brooks films, and as always he was comic gold. Goodbye Harvey, you brought laughter into our lives, you will be missed.
Source Here


Well that's all folks, I gotta go, see about an alarm system, or buying a gun, or FBI, or at least enlist the help of the mob. I gotta do something! The bitch is back!

Doc B. gone baby gone.

Clay Aiken A Father… 4 Words I Never Thought I’d Read

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here.

Well I'm back from the vet's office, it would appear I went a little too close when trimming Bruce's nails. He should be able to walk sometime next week, if the infection doesn't spread. There's actually quite a bit happening in La-la land today so why don't we get right to it. Here's the news.

But first…


"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
"Rodney Dangerfield"


Denzel To Star In The Remake Of The Bellboy

Sometimes looks can be deceiving, sure a person might strike you as graceful, athletic ,smooth, debonair, however most of the time this is not the case. Take for example Denzel Washington, I know, I know what you're thinking, you're thinking Denzel’s calm as a cucumber, as suave as the deodorant, smooth as Seacrest, cool as Carlsberg, but alas the truth is somewhere in between. The "American Gangster" star ordered some bubbly at Rivington 151 the other night. "And the server couldn't open it, so Denzel tried," said our onlooker. "He couldn't open it either, but when he handed it back, the cork popped right in the server's face.
And that was just the beginning of the mayhem. In a hurry to help out the waiter and Denzel reached for an ice bucket, knocking it over onto the lap of some poor schmo at the next table. Realizing he had made a mess of things, he bent down to pick up the ice on the floor before someone stepped on it. The waiter, feeling embarrassed to see such a high profile guest on his hands and knees on the floor, urged Denzel to get up. Which he did, striking the waiter right under to chin with his head, knocking him out cold. The waiter collapsing onto the table next to him, hitting only the edge of the table which sent the food flying into the air. And then Denzel in his rush to aid the fallen waiter, tripped on the very ice he had been picking up. He feet kicked out forward, high into the air, as he became vertical traveling a good fight feet before crashing into the dessert cart. It was awful, the place looked like a war zone, women were crying, men were crying, the staff was crying. As for Denzel, he at least managed to leave the restaurant without setting himself on fire while walking by the crème brûlée.
It's funny how we build up a certain image of people in our minds, yet so seldom do they live up to our expectations. My guess is the moral ofthis story is, when it comes to your expectations of celebrities you might want to lower the bar, because God knows when you meet a celeb any thoughts or expectations you had will be crushed like the condom in the wallet of Ruben Studdard's back pocket. Source Here


You Ever Been Hit By A Connoli Doing 80 MPH?

Did you know that Misha Barton is in a new movie directed by Roland Joffe, which was shown at Cannes, but Misha was a no-show for to promotions. Now the film and its producers are in London to drum up interest and yet Misha is still doing a remarkable impersonation of Claude Raines. Joffé told BBC Radio 1 host Natalie Jamieson, "She hasn't pulled out of interviews, she's pulled out of everything . . . Her room is here, she is here, but trying to get the two together has just been impossible. We just don't know where Mischa is."
Where's Misha, where has she gone, where can she be. Alas, fear not fanatics for Bubbahump is here, and he knows what is happening to our little Misha. Poor girl, she just happened to be at the same restaurant as Denzel Washington when he crashed into the dessert cart. A terrified and shaken Misha is holed up in a London hospital after an emergency procedure was performed to remove four Ladyfingers and one rather large cannoli. No word yet on when she'll be released from intensive care. On the plus side I hear Denzel sent her a Wal-Mart gift card good for $50 on anything in the store,for when she gets out of the hospital. Hmmm... Denzel's wrath is inescapable .Almost as much as his frugality. Source Here


Use And Abused, Tossed Out And Turfed Like A Piece Of Garbage

Wow, what a surprise, what a complete and utter shock. I'm flabbergasted, I mean I had no idea, I need to sit down. OK now I'm sitting and I hope you are too. You ready, here goes, really big news. You sure you're sitting down, OK, OK, here's the big surprise- Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and Pete Wentz have made it official: Yes, they're expecting a baby. Calm down now, relax, take it easy, for there is nothing we can do. Relax, take it easy. Blame it on me or blame it on you. Well you can't blame me because I warned you. Now I know this is unexpected but you have to learn to take these things in stride. Celebrities like to be in the news, so they spread out this stuff so their faces can be on the covers of magazines for months.
we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child," said a statement Wednesday on Wentz's blog.
Ah, I see the shock has worn off and now you've moved on to anger. And you have reason to be angry. Their publicists, their friends, they themselves have not been honest with you. They kept saying no, no, no, there's no baby. Believe us. Trust us. And most important, watch us, read about us, fantasize being like us. Hmmm... now I know you're feeling shitty seven ways from Sunday [what the hell does that mean anyways] but you need to learn the game. It's all about exposure and maximizing exposure, and then translating that exposure into dollars. Not once, not one freaking time did your feelings ever cross their tiny little minds. I know the truth hurts but someone had to tell you. Now go drink a glass of milk and lie down, you'll feel better in the morning. Doctor's orders. Source Here


You’re Shitin’ Me Right?

Never let it he said that I Dr. BubbaHump, does not have integrity. When I am wrong folks, well then I'm just plain wrong, and it appears this time I was wrong. I must apologize, issue a retraction, make amends, do a mea culpa, my bad. Many times on this very blog site, I have besmirched the name of Clay Aiken, I have wronged him, nay, I have slandered him. However, I'm a big enough man to own up to my mistakes. [Sigh] so here goes, Clay is ga.. Wait let me start over, Clay is a frui.. wait, stop. I'll try again Clay is a Homosex.. wait, stop again. All right, all right, for real this time. Clay is going to be a father.... Hello, you still listening, I wasn't kidding, it's no joke. Humph.. you still don't believe me, then read this. Clay Aiken is going to be a father, TMZ.com reports. That's right: The "American Idol" runner-up-turned-"Spamalot" star is expecting a child. Who's the lucky lady? Jaymes Foster, a record producer and Aiken's BFF.
Foster is in her late 40s and was artificially inseminated, the site says. Aiken reportedly plans to chip in and help raise the lil' one.
OMG, I never read past the first line. Artificially inseminated! You know what that means, don't you. It means the weenie never went into the bun, so there's no mayo on the ovaries manually delivered by Clay. You know what else this means, it means I retract my apology. I knew I was right about him. Liberace had more machismo in his little pinky then this fruit fly. Source Here


I Could Be Hurtful, I Could Be Purple

It never fails, there's always someone who thinks they can turn vinegar into wine. It's quite common in baseball, there's always some manager who believes that they can turn around a player's career, and the same holds true in Hollywood. Rumors are swirling that Britney Spears will find her way onto network TV next fall Spears had a meeting Wednesday with a big time producer about possible TV projects, TMZ.com reports. Brit would star in and possibly produce a show.
Sources told the site that the singer and her posse had a "serious" meeting with Roy Bank, president of Merv Griffin Entertainment, to discuss a move to the small screen. Among other ideas, the concept of a music show was thrown around. Oh shit! No singing! She’s trying to revive her career, how is this going to help. If she opens her mouth and that crap she calls music comes out of it, people will be turning the channel pretty fast. No, no, no, in my opinion they should cast Britney as a deaf mute who solves crimes with the help of her little dog Pippi. It be huge! Huge, I tells you! I know what people want. And Britney singing is not what people want. Which seems to me should be self evident by now. What! You think I'm just being nasty now don't you, well I can be whatever I want.
**I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!
Hey where you going, I was just kidding. I suppose if someone told you to light your pants on fire you’d do that too, wouldn't you? Source Here (**Grace Kelly By Mikka)


Well that's all I feel like today folks, I gotta go dig up a bone for Bruce in the backyard, he says he's too sore to do it. Big wimp!

Doc B. gone baby gone

No Freaking Way; Debra Winger Lives

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here.

well the cops kept their promise, now all of us are walking around the house bow legged like some extras in a Western. Stupid Bruce and his stupid ideas, I hope he learned his lesson this time, because I'm starting to lose my patience. Anyhow here's the news


but first…

“You can’t keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.”
“Homer Simpson”


A Married Man… What?

Hey folks did you know that Raymond Burr was gay? nope, me a neither.In the new book, "Hiding in Plain Sight: The Secret Life of Raymond Burr", the actor once lectured a reporter during an interview when he was asked why he had not remarried: "I am an unmarried man, as opposed to a single man. A bachelor, according to the dictionary, is a man who has never been married. An unmarried man is not married at the moment. Many of these terms have fallen into disuse."
In fact he was living with some dude named Robert Benevides for almost nearly 35 years, keeping it all on the down low. I can't believe it, not Ironside. I'll never look at a wheelchair the same again.
Source Here


Are You Freakin Kidding Me!

Gee whiz it must be nice to be an actor on the top rated crime procedural show on network TV, how else would you explain this light tap on the knuckles to Gary Dourdan of CSI.
"Once Gary completes 30 hours of a diversion program, his case will be entirely dismissed," lawyer Shawn Chapman Holley told The Associated Press in an e-mail. "There is no jail time involved."
How nice. I bet if that were me, just your regular John Q. public, I bet I'd be counting my cigarettes in the courtyard before lights out, trying to figure out if I have enough smokes to appease my cellmate, Jackhammer Jacoby. 30 hours! 30 freaking hours, a blood I diversion program no less. Sounds pretty light doesn't folks. Oh I know, I know, there's some fans of CSI out there saying, oh its a first-time offense it's only normal in it happens all the time. No it doesn't! I dare you you freaking fans of CSI, I double dare you, go grab a bag of heroin a big batch of cocaine and fill your pockets with some ecstasy, now drink yourself silly park your car in front of the light and now take a nap and wait for cops to arrive. And please feel free to write to me from jail let me know how it's working out for you, you freaking bunch of dumb asses. Source Here


When In France

If you heard a Frenchman yelling are you talking to me, you'd probably think it was a waiter. Well he probably be right about that too, but the most probable right answer would be that Robert DeNiro is somewhere in your general vicinity.
When he ascended the red-carpeted steps at the Cannes closing night ceremony at the Palais Theater, thousands of French fans stood outside screaming, "Bobbee! Bobbee!" and, "Are you talkin' to me?"
However DeNiro ignored one Frenchman much to his disdain, he was overheard saying in what iz hiz probleme how very rude, he iz soo stuck up and obnoxious, if I wanted to be treated theese way I would go to one of our cafés mon dieu. Source Here


Debra Winger Lives!

Debra Winger is writing her memoirs, (She Not Dead?!) and in it she talks about Jack Nicholson's horn dog behavior. Devereaux was in Germany with Jack to promote the film terms of endearment, Deborah being Jewish felt a little uneasy being in the land of goose-stepping and Wienerschnitzel's. Jack in his own special way tried to make her feel comfortable. He finally told me to stop, that these paranoid fantasies had little to do with modern Germany and that I should relax and enjoy the trip - perhaps join him on his search for the perfect brothel."
Well I can tell you you won't find the perfect brothel in Germany, even their sex is a little too rigid and practiced. No Jack Buddy I can tell you without a doubt the best brothel in the world is in Montréal, a little place not far from Peel Street. I only visited there once but it was the best time I ever had, it was three days before I could see again. Source Here


For Peete’s Sake

Actress Amanda Peet who can be seen in the upcoming new X-Files movie reveals a little bit about her husband before she married him "David used to have an outdoor stereo by the pool at his bachelor pad. I'm sure he lured many women there, but I was the last one." That's what you think, I spent many a night dancing on his big speakers near the pool. Oh we were young men, full of beans and piss and vinegar. His hair was long and he had such a cool accent, and those eyes, blue like the Caribbean Ocean.Ahhh… good times. And I'll give you a little tip Amanda, David likes to be tickled right in the crack of his ass. It drove him wild, give it a try. Source Here

Rotten Apples

Oh boy, you know you've hit a major bump in the road when Johnny rotten of all people, sympathizes with you. It seems Johnny boy would like to do a song with Britney Spears, he said "She has been hurt. And hurt is the root core essence of good music. I haven't written a song for Britney yet but I would love to. I'd like to help out because there's a girl who needs some help”. "When Johnny freaking rotten thinks you need help, then I think Britney you've raised the bar for all who follow to strive for. Come to think of it a duet with Johnny and Britney would be awesome, together the two of them would manage the rare accomplishment of zero airplay on any format. But God it be great to see what they'd wear. Source Here

America, Love It or Leave It

Jessica Lange decided to really speak her mind at some small college that she was addressing, mostly about what she sees wrong with America "We are living in an America that, in the last seven and a half years, has waged an unnecessary war, established prison camps, condoned torture, employed corporate armies, eliminated the right of habeas corpus, practiced extraordinary rendition, and believe me, this is only a partial list." To see the rest of this list folks, get on a plane and fly to China, because that's where Jessica and the rest of her commie friends hang out. Honestly if these celebs feel so strongly about their convictions why don't they run for office. Oh I know why, because it's long hours, the pay sucks, and everyone hates you. Their precious egos would wilt under a pressure. Source Here


Well that's all I got folks I gotta go trim Bruce's nails. Close, real close, down to the skin kind of close.

Doc. B. gone baby, gone.

Sculptures And Cavity Searches

Heidi Ho folks, Doc B. here

Well finally that flu I got seems to be slowly going away, the only problem is the last few days have left my rectum feeling mighty raw. So I have no choice but to stand while typing this, which leaves me the target of Bruce’s lame sense of humor. He thinks it’s funny to stick little signs on my ass that’s says Warning Toxic Gas, Old Faithful, next eruption at 4 p.m. and his favorite Quarantined. Anyhow I only put up with it because he picked up the bathroom for me after I promised him I would set him up with the bitch next-door. Anyhow enough about my tender, swollen anus, here’s the news

But first…


“Only the shallow know themselves”
“Oscar Wilde”


Attn: readers, today’s blog is Britney free and Lilo absent, so all you haters out there, enjoy.


Bronze Goddess

Well this is more like it, after the public embarrassment of a cooked up story, and then being charged for this phony baloney mess, someone’s finally showing Naomi Campbell a little bit of love. Yes the ebony goddess is going to be immortalized in “a series of larger than life sculptures. Photographer Nick Knight is creating three sculptures which will stand more than 9 m.” 9m high - that’s perfect, this way Naomi can look down on all the jealous little people who make her life miserable. Now and forever will they be able to stand in awe of the Omni-present power and beauty that is Naomi. This Knight fellow seems like a pretty smart guy; here he reveals his motivation behind the sculptures. He believed she deserved a sculpture to remind people she was "one of the most famous and beautiful women in the world".
Amen brother, you’re preaching to the choir. Hmmm… I wonder if any of the sculptures shows her lying down… provocatively. You know what, forget that, let’s move on shall we. Source Here


Now J’ai Un Maux De Tête

Do the names Sarah Dash, Nona Hendryx and Patti Labelle mean anything to you? Well if they do, you probably remember big hair, freaky space alien spacesuits, and high heel boots that Japanese cars can drive under. Of course I’m talking about 70’s trio Labelle, who are supposedly reuniting in the music studio. They're working with Lenny Kravitz and some other biggies to bring their tight, soulful harmonies and flashy style up to date.
Of course they sang the original version of Lady Marmalade, but somehow I don’t see Patti squeezing into the same costume she wore in the 70s. I think now she needs to shop at big and tall. Source Here


More Chicken Of The Sea For Dallas Fans

Giants fans are elated, and Cowboys fans have just punched their mothers in the face. The on-again, off-again, on-again, off- again romance between Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo appears to be on again. The couple, who reportedly split several weeks ago, spent Memorial Day weekend together in Dallas.
Simpson and her Dallas Cowboys quarterback beau had a Saturday night date at N9Ne steakhouse with two pals, according to the Dallas Morning News. She munched on a burger; he had the steak. All that red meat apparently set the mood - the on-again couple engaged in a lil' PDA on their way out of the restaurant, and hit up another restaurant the next day for brunch. Come on Cowboy fans, cheer up. So what if your football season is screwed, you can always watch hockey, you have a team remember.
Source Here


They Walk Among Us

Is there such a thing as the blacklist in Hollywood? Drea DeManteo believes there is. "She was saying 'Joey' completely ruined her career," said our spy. "She called it horrible and said she hasn't been able to really work since then. She said she's really been out of the business and is trying to get back in.
Hmmm…she can’t be trying that hard, last time I looked the casting couch policy was still in effect. However, I haven’t seen anyone from the cast of Joey lately. I’ve heard about to big incinerator behind the lot of NBC but I didn’t think they actually still used it. I hear that’s where a fried the Golden girls, shhh, keep that a secret though, the Bea Arthur you see in public isn’t real, she’s an android. Back in the Must-See TV days, they made androids of all the stars, just in case, you know what I mean. Source Here


The Return?

Ahhh… Madonna’s marriage might be on the rocks, boo-freaking-hoo. The coldhearted bitch and her drunk has been husband apparently hardly speak anymore. And now, word comes that Madge is tired of Britain and is looking forward to being back in the US. Friends say the couple have been living virtually separate lives since the start of the year and have even divided their homes into his and hers quarters so they can avoid each other. There are indications that Madonna is now planning to live in New York.
She has owned a 2000sq m apartment overlooking Central Park – complete with gymnasium and beauty salon – for 20 years and is enlarging it to accommodate her children and staff.
She has recently bought an adjoining apartment in her maiden name.
One source told the Daily Mail: "Madonna is miserable and has lost her desire to live full-time in the UK."
Damm, they should have come up with some kind of law when she was in Britain to keep her out, now like locusts she’s come back to invade and to nest. Well, maybe I’m overstating things, but she is a flake.
Source Here


Indiana Jones Review

I’ve seen some the comments on the blogs, and now I’m going to put my two cents in. The new Indiana Jones movie is… extremely disappointing. There is virtually no resemblance to the cliffhanger moments of the previous films. Harrison Ford sleepwalks through his role, and Karen Allen looks like she’s had plastic surgery to engrave a permanent smile. That, or she’s stoned. And smile she does, through the light moments of the movie, and the supposedly dark moments. And that’s what the movie lacked, drama. The script just didn’t seem finished, or worse, rushed. Quite frankly, the script and dialogue was pretty bad, perhaps this has something to do with the writers’ strike but all the talk of waiting for the right script seems like a bunch of bullshit. And what happened to all the exotic locales, it seems like they didn’t feel like leaving their backyard to film this. And if this was a setup for Shia Labeouf to take over the series they certainly didn’t give him much to do, as a matter of fact his performance was as muted as everyone else’s. I like everyone involved with the movie, but unfortunately I did not like the movie. Do yourself a favor and go see Harold and Kumar instead.


Well that’s all I got folks I gotta go now, Bruce is taking this joke a little too far, now he’s outside in a hazmat suit, putting police tape on my front door! Awww, not again. The cops said they perform a cavity search if they had to come back here one more time. Ooh, that dog is just begging for a time-out.

Doc B. Gone baby gone

Planning A Holiday, Try American Idol Wasteland

Heidi Ho folks, Doc B. here

Well, it’s official, I have the flu. Now my bathroom looks like the killing fields in Cambodia, and smells almost as bad. What’s that Bruce? That’s not funny? I beg to differ, used in the proper context it’s damn funny. And what the hell do you know, you’re a freaking dog, so just continue to smell your ass and leave me alone. I’m sorry folks, but when I’m sick, I get a little cranky. Anyhow here’s the news.

But first…


“If one man says to thee, ''Thou art a donkey',' pay no heed. If two speak thus, purchase a saddle.”
“ The Talmud”


Celebs Screwing Up Their Kids, As Usual

Joel Madden of good Charlotte was up in the Hamptons D.J.ing on the weekend. Nice work if you can get it. Anyhow it seems like he didn’t stay long being a new dad and all, this is what he told people, "The Hamptons are definitely a good place to hang out for the whole summer," he told PEOPLE. "But I'm a dad now. I'd be staying if I didn't have the girls at home. That's why I'm going home."
Hmmm… yeah I’d hang out at the Hamptons all the time too, cause you know I have bills to pay you know, and a job. But whatever. Joel also mentions some in the music daddy’s kid likes to listen to, as if we really care.
What, you want to know? Alright, alright here it is. She's a Cure fan ... She likes The Cure."
Oh god, so I guess she stays in her corner of the crib, wearing her drab black diapers, and drawing cryptic symbols on her hands. And how is she ever going to learn to walk wearing army boots, she’s liable to break her neck. I tell you these freaking parents these days, and then they wonder why their kid moves from Disney films, to underground films, to gay porn, heroin addiction, grand larceny, armed robbery, and eventually, and ultimately a tell-all hardcover. Well they only have themselves to blame, just because they thought it was cute to play The Cure while the kid was sleeping in its crib. Well it won’t be cute in 15 years when she’s on the cover of the National Enquirer kissing her ex-con girlfriend. But you know what folks, I’ve been wrong before. Source Here


BON JOVI = PUSSY’S?

I noticed this interview with Richie Sambora, not that much of interest, but I did take notice few things.
(Bon Jovi) They have a private jet and chef, stay in fancy hotels and have top of the range clobber – however their dressing room requests are pretty low maintenance.
David joked: “We’re the same as when we started out – just a little more expensive and a little older.”
Richie added: “We don’t need meditation tents or anything like that. Just give me a room and I’m there.”
that’s right Richie all you need is a room in cases Scotch in the car to drive and after. Just kidding.
So I guess it’s a little disappointing to find out they’re not like Van Halen demanding certain colors of Smarties being removed. Or was it M&Ms, ah screw it, I can never remember. Anyhow they went on Other necessities on the road include Halls soothers, hairdryers, herbal tea and Jon’s Frank Sinatra poster.
herbal tea, Hall’s, hairdryers. Are these guys a rock band or the cast members of Rent. I hope they put that picture of Frank facing the wall so he can’t see these pussy’s. Do you think Frank needed freaking herbal tea, or some cough drops, no freaking way. All Frank needed was some libation, some loose women, and a freaking pack of cigarettes. But I digress.
Richie also made mention of Steve Tyler’s recent slippage. “I don’t think I’m the best person to give Steve advice,” he quipped. “Steve is a big boy and he’s been through that drill quite a few times.
“I knew that he was having some problems and was on pain medication so I’m guessing he went in for that. Good luck to him.”
But secretly in the back of his mind Richie was thinking; Why couldn’t this dumb bastard drive his Hummer through the big window of the McDonald’s on Rodeo Drive so people would have another mug shot to stare at on TMZ. Yup I bet that’s what he was thinking. And apparently they’re looking forward to doing things that regular folks to like us, as dumb poor bastards who don’t play in front of 70,000 people, in stadiums. “We’ve been on the road for seven months now and I’m looking forward to doing normal things like changing light bulbs.”Yep that’s all I do all day, change light bulbs, and sometimes I even cook stuff, but only if the instructions on the box are clear.
but now, and I’ve been saving this for a last, the really scary part. The boys added that they hope they can match the ROLLING STONES for longevity. Jesus Christ I hope not! Somebody better get Richie good and loaded and behind the wheel of a car again, there must be some way of preventing this.
Source Here


Hey, I Only Gave Him Two Beers

It seems one of the donkeys I interviewed got into a little bit of trouble after it left my place.
Blacky was jailed for biting and kicking two men near a ranch. Oh my, not Blacky he had the most talent.
Officials freed the donkey after its owner paid a fine of $A38 and the $A120 hospital bill of the men, who suffered bites to the chest and a broken ankle. Authorities say he also must pay $A500 to each man for missed work days. Man, $1158.00, you know how many stag parties he’s gonna have to work, he’ll be working well into his old age, poor bastard. Source Here


Planning A Holiday, Try American Idol Wasteland

So you appeared on American Idol, what are you going to do with your newfound fame? Ruben Studdard is getting into the nightlife business with plans to open a restaurant/club in his hometown of Birmingham, Alabama. The as-yet-unnamed spot will serve up "Southern food with a twist," Studdard told EW.com, you want to know what the twist is, it’s the price of the freaking bill at the end of the meal. Studdard reveals that another Idol winner is setting up shop nearby: "Taylor Hicks is opening a bar around the corner from me, so it's gonna be big." Now all the neighborhood needs is fellow Alabama native Bo Bice to join in and Birmingham could become the country's prime Idol destination. Hmmm… a restaurant, a bar, what’s missing in this picture. Ooh, ooh, I know, a brothel! Yeah, I’m sure this will work. But who’s going to be turning tricks? Hey I know, I hear Nikki McKibbin and Melissa McGhee, aren’t doing much. So maybe they’ll be interested. Maybe they can even get Clay Aiken, but I hear one night with Clay is a hefty price tag. But they say he’s worth it. Personally, and I don’t know why? But Clay has always reminded me of the gimp in “Pulp Fiction”. Maybe I just want to see Bruce Willis punch him in the head. Yeah, I think that’s what it is. Source Here


Well that’s all I got folks, I gotta go see if I can find a contractor who works nights, because there is no f$@&ing way I’m cleaning up that f$@&ing bathroom. and may all your bowel movements be of the non-juicy kind.

Doc B. gone baby gone