Angelina Delivers, The Banshee Terrorizes, And Britney's Back Bitch! On The Hump.

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here.

I just got back from a business trip in Europe and boy am I tired. It must be the jet lag, so you'll forgive me if my post seems a little subdued today. Without futher ado, here's the news.

But first…


“I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...”
“Mitch Hedberg”


Finally,.. The Laundry Soap Was Costing Me A Fortune!

Hallelujah, praise Allah, thank you Jesus, ... Angelina Jolie's babies have finally arrived( Woo Hoo!) and my bladder couldn't be more relieved. Finally I can take off the plastic off my computer chair, and give grandma back her supply of Depends. Her neighbors in the apartment downstairs thought that her toilet was leaking so this birth has come in the nick of time, before they get wise. Anyhow, Angie delivered a boy and a girl, twins, obviously. The boy is said to be called Knox Leon and the girl, Vivienne Marcheline. The two were delivered by C-section and weighed barely 5 pounds each,( her stomach was humongous, where’s the rest of em’?) which don't seem like a hell of a lot but is probably normal considering they're early. Though not early enough to save me from ruining a complete wardrobe of Tommy Hilfiger and Lois jeans. Doctors claim the mother and the babies are doing well, so now let the bidding war begin. That's right folks, competing magazines are going to be chomping at the bit( among other things) to get their hands on the very first photos of the twins. How much is can it be enough, your guess is as good as mine?( A biillllionnn dollars) But according to sources, 20 to 25 million seems plausible.( can you say—holy shit!) Of course money might not be enough knowing Angie and Brad. A few magazine editors and CEOs might have to give up their firstborns to adoption by Brad and Angie (because they're rich, powerful, beautiful, and therefore way better parents than some magazine hack) to seal the deal. But even that might not be enough, Brad and Angie might also expect donations to charity, stories documenting the plight of orphaned children, and a small island as a gift for Brad and Angie to raise their brood. All this and more are on the table, open to negotiations. This is bound to be biggest baby photos scam in history, so you can chuck good sense out the window because these twins are about to raise the bar, and set a dangerous new precedent. Brad and Angie may not have to work for years, no red carpets, no movies, no interviews, just making babies and spending the wealth.Why someday they may even get their own special award for pro-creating such beautiful children. So don't come crying to me folks when they don't appear in movies for the next couple years, your humble Doc B. has given you ample warning. But do people listen to me? Nooooooooooo... they do not. And what for? For some silly pictures of some babies. Humph... it's not like they're your kids, so what's the big deal? All babies look the same anyways when they're newly born. I can save you a few bucks and describe them for you. They're going to be red faced with a smidgen of hair, looking like miniature versions of Ernest Borgnine. (Pause). What, you don't believe me? I don't know if it's true, but I've heard rumors that Angie and Ernest Borgnine were staying in the same hotel around the time the babies would have been conceived.
Hey, stranger things have happened. Source Here


Awakening

Better late than never I say. It would seem Amy Winehouse's dad Mitch has finally come to the realization that his daughter's lifestyle maybe killing her. He said recently,"My biggest fear is that she would die and she won't die of a drug overdose, it won't be that quick," . Hmmm... I think he's selling Amy a little short, I think she has it in her to die suddenly of an overdose, but what do I know, I'm not her father. He goes on to elaborate that,"She would die, unfortunately, of emphysema. That would be the most likely scenario if she didn't check her behaviour, which she is doing.
"But if she didn't, that would be a likely scenario and we would be talking about a very slow and painful death, gasping for air." Ah yes, a father's love is a powerful thing. (?!)
Hmmm... I wonder what finally woke him up to the fact that she has a problem? Oh, he's probably been going over the books and realizes that she doesn't have enough of a back catalogue for him to live comfortably after she's gone. (Pause). What? You think I'm cynical, don't you?
"Winehouse will start writing her new album from September," he added. Hmmm... we'll see folks, we'll see. Source Here


Screw Emphysema Give Me A Colombian Grave

And speaking of Amy's imminent death. The UK newspaper The Sun apparently has photos of Amy at some nightclub, "snorting something behind the DJ booth". Hmmm... it's a good thing she's checking her behavior just like her dad said, huh. Anyhow, The Sun reports that, "She left at 2am with one of the bar’s lamps and what looked like half of Colombia up her nose". Hmmm... you see. I told you her dad was selling her short, screw emphysema, Amy's gunning for a coke addled cardiac arrest overdose, following the great tradition of many a rock star. If only her dad had more confidence in her, he would see that a slow painful death is not in the cards. Nope. Looks like emphysema will have to find some other victim, cause Amy is not having any of it. It's better to burn out, then fade away. Source Here


Baby Photo Scam Update

While I've been gone, the baby scams keep rolling in. We all know that Angie and Brad are going to make a fortune on their babies photos, but how are some of the lesser light celebs making out, huh. Well here's an update. Actress "Jessica Alba has sold photographs of her daughter Honor Marie for $1.5 million." Hmmm... only $1.5 million huh! I guess this is a reality check for her, it's time to stop making crappy movies like Fantastic Four and The 10, if she wants her brood to command the big bucks.
Matthew McConaughey on the other hand, made a cool 3 million bucks off his kid Levi's photo. It just goes to show you that is back catalog of films have made more money than Jessica's. And finally, I see that Jamie Lynn Spears posed with her baby on the cover of OK magazine. I didn't see any dollar figures, but if she's anything like her sister, she was probably paid in a year's supply of Cheetos and Mountain Dew. Source Here


The Way Of The South

Speaking of Jamie Lynn Spears and her OK magazine article, I came upon this little nugget of info. In the article Jamie Lynn talks about her mom, Lynn Spears, being "a hands- on grandma."
She says,"Mama has been here a bunch," she said. "She wants to see the baby all the time. She told me the doctors are always going to be real strict and tell you, 'Don't do this and don't do that.' Just follow your instincts. You're the mother and you know what your baby needs. That's what I've done and it seems to have worked." (Cough-cough). These people really live in their own little bubble of a world don't they? But hey, who am I to give advice.
Maybe Jamie Lynn will be a great mom,........ man! Did I really just write that? I must be still suffering from jet lag . I would never purposely writes something so fictitious. We all know it's not Jamie Lynn thats going to be raising the baby. It's the staff of nannies from El Salvador that will be doing the heavy lifting when it comes to raising the baby.
Anyhow Jamie Lynn is already looking forward to when the baby is a little older. She says she plans to raise baby Maddie in the South where "the focus is family." Humph... yeah I've heard that about the South. I've heard that if you've been married three times
and still have the same in-laws, that it's normal. I've heard that in the South, you go to your sister's wedding so you can kiss the bride. I've heard it's quite common to miss your graduation because your kids were sick . Your wife can't fix you dinner because she has cheerleading practice. The highlight of your family reunion was your sister's nude dancing debut. Somebody yells "Hoe down!" and your wife hits the floor . You got stopped by a state trooper..He asked you if you had an I.D
.And you said, 'Bout What?' I've heard that in the South, they think TacoBell is the Mexican phone company
But I digress
I guess I'll end this on a note of caution, Jamie Lynn says,"They don't have soccer down here, but I would love being the softball mom driving the kids around." Hmmm... if she has any of Britney's mad driving skills, it might be a short softball season. Source Here


Britney's Back Bitch!?

And staying in the family. The indications are all there that Britney Spears is gearing up for a comeback. Hey face it, the chick has been on a roll lately. She's been able to see her kids again, she's filming something secret for Madonna's tour, and following her successful guest appearance on TVs "How I Met Your Mother," she's fielding offers, and perhaps going to develop her own show. Nary a meltdown in sight, the question is, is Britney back? The answer is, not yet. But soon. All signs seem to be pointing to a well focused, and newly committed Britney. Hmmm... I sense some skepticism. And I hear you. Maybe I'm being overly optimistic but I think Britney is going to be back. And In a big way. I'm willing to bet on it. Of course if she leads the paparazzi to a beach and then proceeds to strip down to her underwear and hop into the ocean. And frolic in the water blissfully shaving her pubes in front of the cameras. All the while, her kids play with the handbrake of her car, having been left alone, and unattended. Then all bets are off. Forget I said anything. Source Here


Cry Of The Banshee

While I was over in Europe the last week, I heard a lot of unusual stories . Nay, make that frightening stories. Stories that I chalked up to superstition you know, that the locals would tell the visitors. Of the places I've visited however, one story re-occurred each time. Each place I had been talked of a hideous banshee whose sound shattering as voice caused the cries and anguish of the young children, and heart failure in many of their old-aged. It was said that this banshee terrorized parts of Europe at this time every year. As I said, I chalked this up to superstition. Just some backword yokels, making up shit, and trying to play with my head, you know what I mean? Then, I read this story and I realized everything they said was true. Oh how could I ever have doubted them? "A Page Six spy overheard Kelly at Charles de Gaulle Airport in Paris the weekend before July 4th telling a friend she was on a solo European vacation and she and Rosie were "taking a break." What a fool I was for not believing them. O'Donnell's rep says, "Kelly is back home. She goes on a European vacation alone every year." You see, they were telling the truth. Those poor, poor backward Europeans. I should've been more sympathetic, but you’d think they’d be able to speak better English if they don’t like people laughing at them, and calling them names. Not that I did any such thing, I’m speaking in general,…never mind. Source Here


That's all there is folks, I gotta go try and work off this jet lag. This guy on the plane home told me to walk on the carpet of my floor and make knots with my feet. I don't know if it's going to work, but it's worth a try.

Doc B. Gone baby gone