Weekend Round Up: Tom, Madonna, Lilo, Martha, Akon, And More.

Heidi-Ho folks Doc. B. here,

I’ve got Luis the cat locked in the other room so he can’t taunt me anymore. Lance is sleeping as usual so all is quiet in the house and the big weekend roundup is upon us, so let’s get busy.

But first…

“I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.”
“Groucho Marx”


Rodriguez’s Sexuality Still In Doubt

Just the other day, Michelle Rodriguez was comparing columnist to swine. Let see what’s on her mind today.
"I'm currently paying my debts to society with some highway clean up, as well as working on Fast and Furious Four briefly, sharpening up on some proper Spanish for my passion project Tropico de Sangre, and in June I'll be taking off to Italy to write my long awaited first feature film project."
I wonder if that film is about pigs jerking off, or Michelle doing the “Nasty” with her pooch. Guess we’ll have to buy a ticket to find out. And no, Michelle, I’ll never let you forget it. By the way, are you still a lesbian this week? Source Here


A Hairy Situation

Just another reason why girls from Michigan aren’t as popular as girls from California.
Mary Lynn Rajskub explains what a boyfriend hoped of her umm… “love area”. "Shaving around the thing, maybe," Rajskub said. "But I'm not waxing down there. I'm from Michigan!"
Guess it’s a comb-over then. Source Here


Crazy Ass Madonna And Tommy Too Much

Madonna made a comparison between the orphans in Malawi and Tom Cruise. Apparently they are both getting “a raw deal.” Leaving aside the fact that Madonna will say the most bat-shit, crazy ass thought that pops in her head. This is Tom Cruise she’s trying to defend here!? The guy has turned into a walking, talking example of someone with their head so far up their ass, they have to open their fly to see where they’re going. Any second now, I expect to see his head explode while working the red carpet. Still, the nerve of Madonna comparing those orphans to Tom. They don’t have the humiliation Tom carries with knowing that, that Oprah clip lives on forever on YouTube. I watch it every day to reaffirm myself.
Source Here


Paw Paw’s Death Worries Staff

I was wondering what it would be like to have to be in the presence of Martha Stewart after this quote I read.
She goes on to call her beloved pet "elegant and kind and reserved and charming up until the very last moment. He was the only pet I ever had, with the exception of Blue Maximilian Chow Chow Chow, who was never disobedient, and never, ever, required me to raise my voice."
As opposed to her staff whom she must constantly bark orders at, many times over. They continue to pee on the floor every little time Martha flays off some flesh with her tongue lashings. The staff so completely disappoints Martha that she is at a loss and is considering sending them to obedience school. They can’t even get the stains off her coffee tables it’s the “grain of the wood”, they insist. Rubbish, Martha Scoffs. The staff now worry that without Paw Paw’s calm and elegant demeanour in the house, Martha will become even more unreasonable. A bunch of whiners , if you ask me. Source Here


Happy Horny Aussie Songs

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd of Australia has a song that has been released. At first the title seemed innocent enough “From Little Things Big Things Grow.” Like buds that blossom, or caterpillars to Monarch butterflies right. That’s what I thought until I saw where the proceeds are going. The Get Up’s Reconciliation Fund. It’s another friggin Viagra ad. Those crafty Aussies, they nearly pulled one over on old Doc. B. there. “From Little Things Big Things Grow.” Indeed. How could I be so gullible. Those Aussies only have one thing on the their minds, and it’s not Koala’s. (By the way, did you know that Koala’s are marsupials?) Koala’s, kangaroos, dingo’s. Australia’s full of freaky deaky shit isn’t it. And now politicians hawking Viagra. Humph. Source Here


The Check Is In The Mail

Sting is being sued by a chef who says “Roxanne” and “Message In A Bottle” were songs he helped sting create.
Roy Smith, 48, says he met the singer in 1977 or 1978 and told him about an ex-girlfriend called Roxanne, who was a prostitute.
He also explained how he once wrote a message to his mother, put it in a bottle and threw it into the sea.
Well, good luck Mr. Smith. I speak from experience, so I know how difficult it is to win these types of subjective court cases. I’ve yet to see a dime from the “Village People” about my experiences “In The Navy” or the autobiographical “Macho Man.” Cheap bastards. Source Here


Harry Potter Actor Craps All Over Lilo

Harry Potter star Rupert Grint thinks there’s something wrong with Lindsay Lohan, I gather after reading this. "I met Lindsay last summer and she talked about herself a lot. She said she was going to win an Oscar before she turns 25.”
OMG does Taco Bell ever burn when you pass it thru your nose. An Oscar by 25! I very nearly died from choking on my gordidta after reading that gem. Something tells me that Lindsay has more chances ending up in the “In Memoriam” segment, than actually accepting a statuette.
Rupert then says that girls like Lilo and Paris are the types one should avoid (why!?) Honestly, Rupert sure found an easy enough target to rag about. That’s kind of low if you ask me…. Let’s move on.
Source Here


Akon’s Dubious Past: Why Bother?

Apparently hip hop singer Akon made up a lot about his past, in an effort to appear more “street” cred worthy, It’s a sad state of affairs when one must assume another persona to do what one wishes to succeed in. He should just come clean on how clean he really is. Stop hiding behind a name, a mask as it were, and proclaim you’re true identity. Only then will you enjoy the contentment and peace of mind that I, your humble Doctor Bubbahump enjoys, free of the mask. Either that or you could take your gat and get busy. In 2 years you’ll probably be a footnote in pop music history, like Coolio or Tone Loc anyways.
Source Here


Another Reasons Why Prozac’s So Popular

Another reason why we’re all doomed. Are you like me, fellow readers, you look up at all the stars in space and wonder “I wonder if one of those F#&@ers is gonna hit us”. You do? Well then you’ll find this bit of news very reassuring. A thirteen year old German boy has corrected the math of N.A.S.A. scientists on the possibility of a meteor that might hit earth is more likely than the scientist calculated. (That should make shuttle pilots shit a brick every time they strap in!) The result if it hits us, you ask, it will create a ball of iron and iridium 320 metres wide and weighing 200 billion tonnes, which will crash into the Atlantic Ocean. The shockwaves from that would create huge tsunami waves, destroying both coastlines and inland areas, whilst creating a thick cloud of dust that would darken the skies indefinitely.
I know I’ll sleep well tonight knowing our future could very well lie in the hands of school children everywhere, not too busy chatting or surfing for big boobies. Source Here


Well that’s enough of that. I gotta go scrape the oven, Lance was cooking and, well, there was a little fire. It was due to be cleaned anyways.

Doc. B. Gone baby, gone.