Trump Feels Inadequate, Ashlee Simpson’s Baby Worthless

Heidi-ho folks, Doc. B. here.

My brother Lance and my dog Bruce have been consoling me for the last 1hr ½. My beloved Montreal Canadians lost tonight’s game, and now a 7th and final game is necessary. Lance had to restrain me more than once, as Luis, my cat taunts me by wearing a Boston Bruins sweater and shouting “Kovalev Sucks!” Were it not for their intervention, Luis would be hanging on the clothesline by his tongue. First, I must respond to an error I printed in an earlier post. I made the mistake of calling a Koala, a bear when in fact it is a marsupial. I received thousands of emails about it, but one in particular from a young man named Daniel, who faces lots of challenges socially and mentally. It takes the poor boy months to do such rudimentary tasks, such as mailing a package. However he has shown great improvement lately, and was very quick to point out my error. Good work Daniel, keep plugging at it every day, and you will not need the bib to eat meals any more soon. I have confidence in you. In response to your question you asked me in your email, the answer is yes, it is normal. Simply drink less water before bed, or buy some rubber sheets to cover it. Don’t worry, you secrets safe with me. Here’s the news.

But first…

“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
“Groucho Marx”



Penis Envy

Donald Trump, the Donald, the Trumpster has decided to name his newest tower after himself. Hmmm… you have a TV. show about people who jump when you tell them to. And you fire them when they disappoint you. That must be very empowering. You marry a new wife every time one loses their lustre. Wife #3 is a young model who loves you dearly obviously,you’re as rich as any person could dream of. Yet the need to name another large building after one’s self suggest something is lacking, some self-esteem perhaps. Don’t worry Donald, your humble Doc. B. has got you covered on your little problem. I have the ultimate, guaranteed to work, penis enlargement product that I’m sending you way. You can thank me later. Source Here


Judge In Potter Trial Is No Judge Judy

May be a judge in a court case should have to pass an IQ test. Here’s why.
During her trial against Steven vander Ark, author of the "Harry Potter Lexicon," Judge Robert Patterson, Jr. told Rowling that he read half of "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" to his grandchildren, and he thought there was merit in such a guide.
"I found it extremely complex," he said of the book - even more complex than the Dickens novels his father read to him as a child.
Honestly, this is ridiculous. What don’t you understand about Slytherin, animagus, muggles and Huffle Puffs. Did this judge even finish high school? What do I need to explain about a bludger, or a hippogriff, that isn’t already evident to everyone, my gosh, drink some polyjuice, stick some Satsuma up your nose, follow the way of the Quidditch and use you common sense man. Doesn’t this judge ever use a dictionary. You know judge there is a guide about all this. Oh wait… Never mind. Source Here


Celeb Baby Photo Scam Averted

Phew, it’s looking like the market for middle-tier celebs babies has bottomed out. Ashlee Simpsons dad (her manager) has tried to fetch a cool mil but has found the industry is not that interested .
“The deal would include photos of Ashlee - taken by Joe, of course, so he can make more money - an interview and photos of the baby when she has it," our source said.
Sadly, there is some interest - but not for anything close to $1 million.
One magazine editor said the pictures would fetch "$60,000 maybe - but definitely not a million,the editor said. “Guess she’ll have to work for a living. This is good news folks, the word is spreading. They gotta produce if they expect idolatry. This pregnancy stuff is rampant, just like herpes. Together we can find a cure. We can be the generation that accomplishes the task. Or not. Whatever. Lets move on. Source Here


This Is CNN Dammit

CNN’s roving reporter Richard Quest (no relation to Johnny) was arrested while hanging around Central Park at 3:40 AM in the morning. (Looking for Mr. Goodbar, no doubt) Here’s what happened.
Richard Quest, 46, was arrested around 3:40 a.m. on a count of possession of a controlled substance -- a misdemeanor that usually refers to a personal use amount of a drug. He was also charged with loitering; the park officially closes at 1 a.m.
When police saw and detained Quest, he told them, "I've got some meth in my pocket," according to the complaint filed in court. The complaint said he had a plastic sandwich bag containing methamphetamine in a jacket pocket.
Wow, and then he gave them some crack cocaine stuffed in his thong, some heroin hidden in his anus, a little bit of weed in his sock, and some horse tranquilizers to help him come down and relax. In Mr. Quest defense, his travel schedule is brutal. Could happen to anyone. Source Here


Touchdown For Eli ?

Super Bowl champ Eli Manning is getting married this weekend.
The star signal caller and his male posse played another round of golf on the resort's Jack Nicklaus-designed course.
Manning also worked out in the Palmilla's well-equipped gym, making sure he's in shape for his honeymoon. He said he was also planning some laps in the pool, but only after pumping iron. Manning is expected to anticipate any blitzes thrown at him by his fiancée. Though she should prove to be a tough opponent, Manning’s skill and quickness should be able to break down her defences. He should be able to move the ball around.
Someone should tell Manning to leave his defensive line out of this. On your honeymoon it’s a good thing to get sacked. Source Here

Where’s K.I.T.T. When You Need Him

The Hoff is about to take a big hit in the wallet.
David Hasselhoff has agreed to pay $A27,000 a month to support his ex-wife and children.
Los Angeles court documents show the former Baywatch star’s divorce settlement calls for him to pay $22,000 (euro13,230) a month to ex-wife Pamela Bach and another $5,000 to support their daughters, 17-year-old Taylor, and 15-year-old Hayley.
Ouch! that’ll put a crimp in the Hoff’s style. Bet he’ll want to hop on a jet plane and fly to Germany so he can feel the love. Documents also show he agreed to joint ownership of their home and will divide the family’s cars, bank accounts and Hasselhoff’s pensions from acting and directing guilds. Hmmm, I guess no early retirement for him huh. Time to crank out another album for those music loving German’s, I guess. I smell more reality Tv in the Hoff’s future Source Here


The Reflex …….Makes Me Puke

Oh really, Duran Duran is now cool.
Pop legends Duran Duran, who shot to fame for a string of smash hits and dodgy suits in the 1980s, are officially cool at last. The British band have become a reference point for many of today’s chart-topping acts, such as indie rockers Arctic Monkeys and American outfit The Killers.
If Duran Duran is cool, then I’m a dark, tall drink of water (not that I’m not) Since when does rerecording the same two songs over and over again, and slapping a new title on it constitute new material anyhow. What a joke. If you want great music that’s kitsch and cool try Dolly Deluxe Source Here



She’s Not Called The Material Girl For Nothing

Madonna’s not begging for food, I tell ya.
She is reportedly taking home a paycheck of $24 million dollars for performing just two gigs in Dubai.
I guess she needs the dough to buy some children. I mean adopt some more children. They are totally IN right now. They are the perfect accessories to dress up parties. There great for photo-ops , and you get to boss them around. Just like dogs, except they don’t lick their balls. Source Here



Granny’s Drunk As A Skunk

Another reason the elderly shouldn’t drive.
Sandra Bullock and her husband Jesse James, were hit by a drunken driver. The culprit, 64-year-old Lucille Gatchell was busted and charged with Operating Under the Influence of Liquor -- in our world, that's DUI. She blew 2 1/2 times the legal limit. Source Here
Gatchell, Lucille Gatchell. Damm.

I gotta go bail grandma Lucille out of jail again. Good night Bruce, goodnight Lance. F#@& you Luis. and finally, goodnight Daniel, think of the desert, something dry. Not the ocean or tap water running. Certainly don’t think of Pam Anderson frolicking in the water in a wet skin-tight bathing suit. On second thought, you’ve got rubber sheets now, so knock yourself out.

Doc. B. Gone baby, gone.