Paris Apologizes (Not), Clooney’s Midlife Crisis

What shaking folks, Doc. B. Here,

It would appear that I was mistaken, my friends. There was indeed a dark van parked near my house, but it wasn’t the F.B.I. . It was just my brother Lance in a government van he bought at an auction. He was waiting for me to come home. He had been on tour with the rock group, “Kitty Litter”. He’s a sound technician. It would seem the group is no longer together. Apparently the lead singer slept with the drummers father and gave him a venereal disease. So then the father, it seems passed it on to his wife, her sister, his secretary, Paris, sister Mary Margaret, and Father Poppavich. Boy, it’s the gift that keeps on giving huh! Now my brother Lance is out of work so he came to freeload… er… visit. But enough about that, heres the news

But first…

“Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.”
“Oscar Wilde”


Saucy Salma Hayek

The stunning Salma Hayek talks about being a mother in a recent interview “Every night, I don’t sleep, I watch her,” Hayek said, who added that she’s still breast-feeding”
Yes! I mean no, not going to touch that…er… go there. All kidding aside, she does talk about a worthy cause she’s involved in. “The initiative, part of a marketing strategy by a nappy maker, provides mothers and newborns in developing countries with tetanus vaccines.”
“As a new mum, the most important, the number one priority in life becomes to have a healthy child and (at the same time) to think of these babies who are born with this curse that they don’t have the opportunity for life,” Hayek said.
“(Tetanus is) so easy to immunise against. ... It’s actually 5 cents (per vaccine). It’s so simple, so easy and so cheap.”
She’s gorgeous, and generous with her time as well. How about that. She also offers some advice to new mothers, telling them to make some “ME” time available for themselves. “We should feel like queens and give ourselves a little bit more of a break.”
I know I do… Eh… give myself a break I mean, not the feel like a queen part… or the pregnant part either… Let’s move on. Source Here


A Hairy Encounter

Even George Clooney admits to being concerned about how he looks, especially his locks. How vain, what a shallow geezer, anyways here some of what he said, “My hair’s too grey, much too grey! “I will have to consider dyeing it. I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately. First I’m going to start dyeing my eyebrows, just to see how it works. And then I’ll go to the hair. Start slowly.”
I have to admit, in a moment of weakness, I, your humble Doc. B. succumbed to the pressure of a passing fad once. It was the big thing at the time. All the cool guys were doing it. And I’m cool,… somewhat. So anyways, I wanted to try it out somewhere first, someplace no one would see it if I didn’t like it. You know! Down there. Yup, you got it. There! Anyhow. I followed the instructions (for the most part) and applied it. Well, I must have done something wrong cause it burned like hell, so I hopped in the shower to cool off what was now becoming excruciatingly painfull. So I’m rinsing off, and it’s starting to feel much better, less like someone using a toastmaster on my balls, more like just a really hot mug of coffee on the bagsack. I look down at Felipé (He’s just always been called that) and discover that the tall grass he’s usually standing in, has been mowed! I had singed off my pubes! All the skin around the area had turned yellow as well. It never did grow back right either. It all grows in patchs, not unlike Johnny Depp’s beard. So now everytime I look down at Felipé, it always seems like the grass needs watering or somethin’. Anyhow kiddies, the moral to this story I guess is, don’t hire a gardener named Felipé, he can be a little prick sometimes. Source Here


Brazilians Are Brainwashed

"Brazil rejects Naomi Campbell at blood drive." Why those over-sexed, sundrenched Brazilian bastards. After the lovely Naomi Campbell flies over there, out of the goodness of her heart to donate her time and celebrity profile, they reject her. I suppose they’re reading the propaganda that airline is maliciously attacking Naomi with. What fools, complete and utter fools. Well two can play that game. From now on I refuse to support Brazils economy, I will no longer purchase anything made in Brazil. Like that canned beef in my cupboard. It’s out of there. Gone! No more bikina wax as well. I’ll just buy the one from Finland, I’m sure It’s just as effective. While I’m at it, no more of those special condoms from Brazil either. I guess I’ll just switch back to the goats intestine prophylactic that I used in high school. I’m officially crossing Brazil off my shopping list, so there, take that! Wait,… what does the next paragraph say “Campbell went to the HemoRio medical center on Tuesday to take part in a blood drive, but was turned away. Officials there say she needs to wait longer after having surgery in February to remove a cyst. Campbell often visits Brazil and Rio Mayor Cesar Maia has invited her to be a goodwill ambassador for the city.”
(pause)… Never mind. Source Here


Dog Killer

Martha Stewart’s dog Paw Paw has passed away. The cause was renal failure. Remember that the next time you’re trying out one of Martha’s recipes. You can never be too safe. After all, she did do time.
Source Here


Paris apologizes for Kim’s Fat Ass

Yesterday I told you how Paris Hilton, (she of the ball point pen figure) talked trash about Kim’s ass (hey I’m a poet, and I didn’t,.. never mind) Kim Karsdahian’s ass, that is. Anyhow, she apparently called Kim to apologize for saying her butt looked like “cottage cheese inside of a big trash bag.” Apparently Kim’s ass looks more like medium spicy salsa in a Macy’s shopping bag. Glad that’s all cleared up. Source Here


Fabulous Gays: Who Knew

I noticed this Headline at MSNBC Tori Spelling thinks being a gay Icon is fabulous. Hmm, if Tori’s a gay icon, doesn’t it go without saying that its fabulous. Seems kinda redundant. Source Here


Jonas Brother Neglects The Blind?

Over at TigerBeat I noticed the “really big news”. Nick, of the popular Jonas Brother reveals what attracts him to a girl. He says “Eyes are a really big thing for me.” Yeah they’re a really big thing for me too. How else would I know if Felipé is talking care of the grass. The point, I guess, Nick is trying to make is, girls without eyeballs in their sockets shouldn’t get their hopes up (Isn’t that a bit shallow?)
Source Here


Well that’s todays news, I gotta go check something. Theres a rather odd smell coming from the room Lance is in.

Doc. B. Gone baby, gone.