Britney Is Possessed, Says Expert. Lilo Needs Your Kindness. And Money.

Heidi ho folks, Doc B here

Well, I found my grandfathers watch, and I’m regular again. Plus more good news, I’m getting a promotion. My boss has gone off to the French Riviera with the male stripper Bubbles sent him on Mother’s day. Things are looking up. Now if only I could figure out a way to get rid of Bubbles and her crazy, stalking, jealous ass (albeit firm ass, firm like a tranny’s grip!) Anyhow here’s the news.


But first


“The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.”
“George Carlin”


Watch Out ! Stampede !

I see that KFC has offered lovebirds Chris and Rihanna a freebie if they drop by and and perform another greasy make out session covered in gravy. Some guy from marketing said “We could feel the heat - literally - in our restaurant that night. So much so that we'd like to invite you and Chris back to any KFC for a free meal." If they repeat their performance, he promises, "We'll make a donation to your charity, Believe, which helps underprivileged children."
Nice story, but I hope it doesn’t start a trend. Giving away free meals after every celeb swaps spit in a booth could become costly. All of a sudden Rosie O’Donnell and her girlfriend will be snogging away at the Olive Garden, Ruben Studdard will make a embarrassing public display to score at the Outback Steakhouse, and I shudder just thinking of what Gary Busey will do. This could set a precedent that would shake the fast food business down to its very core. Source Here


Will Pose For Food

Once again I feel the need to ask my faithful readers to be generous and help out a desperate soul in need of some financial assistance. A cheesy website has been created to get Lindz's bash off the ground, claiming "a group of 75 VIP guests" will party down at the "internationally media worthy event." All you have to do his fork over the cash -- and your product can be a part of it!
Yes Lindsay Lohans scratching for some cash again, sad ain’t it? So look in your hearts folks and see if you can’t spare a bit of cash for a starlet in need. No? Then do it for me folks, without Lilo, I don‘t know what I’d do. This is longest relationship I ever had with a woman. Her escapades are always gold. Gold I tells you. C’mon, and help Lilo continue to roll in style. Source Here


Not Funny

Amy Winehouse is pleading with her jailed junkie of a boyfriend to not consider divorcing her. In an extremely weird and pathetic video she’s posted on YouTube, The bizarre homemade video sees Wino and Doherty playing with what appears to be a shoebox full of baby mice. Winehouse then picks up one of the mice, holds it up to the camera, and says (via the mouse): "This one's got a message for Blake... Blake, please don't divorce mummy..... she loves you ever so."
Her partner in 'crime', and some say possible lover, is then heard saying, "If you do divorce her, you'll have me to deal with."
"Yeah, he's right, if you divorce me, you'll have me to deal with. I'm only a day old, but I know what love is," says Wino, still holding the mouse.
It,s pretty sad to watch someone abuse themselves this way. She won’t be long of this Earth.
Source Here


Without A Pot To Piss In

I’ve always enjoyed John Cleese in his Python days, his classic Fawlty Towers and even the sequel to A Fish Called Wanda, Fierce Creatures. So I’m pleased to see he hasn’t lost his sense of humor as he’s in the process of divorce # 3. (Really, I hear the 4th time is the charm. Too tired to care.) Though a divorce from wife number three is already costing 68-year-old John Cleese $150,000 a month in "temporary maintenance," the jokester can still laugh about it.
"It's going to be very, very expensive - but it will be worth every penny," said the British actor as he left court yesterday.
Does it come as a surprise to anyone that his wife is claiming poverty then. Of course not. Eichelberger claims to be broke, which Cleese pointed out was ironic considering her recent shelter choices.
"It puzzled me how she could be staying at the Carlyle Hotel in a room that costs $1,185 a night?" he said
Humph... is that all it cost, the place must be decrepit and in decay. This must be all very traumatizing and I’m sure she’s in a very emotional state, what with the bother of actually having to call room service, and slumming in a style she’s not accustomed to. Poor thing. Source Here


TV Quotes

Slow news day, so how about a sampling of some of the best TV quotes of the week.

''Yeah, I'm trying to lure these kids into my booth. But kids are very wary of being lured these days. Thank you, Dateline.''
Michael Scott (Steve Carell), at a high school job fair, on the office

''If it's a boy, we're gonna name him Morpheus, like that guy in The Matrix. If it's a girl, ooh yeah, I used to boff this girl named Judy, and I would love to honor her.''
Dennis (Dean Winters), after learning that Liz (Tina Fey) is pregnant with his child, on 30 Rock

'Earlier today, President Bush said that Cinco de Mayo is an opportunity to recognize the strong ties of family, economy, and culture that bind the United States and Mexico. Then the president said, 'Now let's get back to building that fence.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
Source Here


Who You Gonna Call

The reasons behind Britney Spears strange behavior has been solved folks. Now all she needs is an exorcism.
"I see people's energy around them and Britney Spears has two low-level ghosts attached to her. One has tattoos all over him and the other is kind of creepy looking," says Van Praagh and, no, he's not talking about Kevin Federline. "Around every living thing is the aura, which is the electromagnetic bubble protecting us, but if someone is overly involved with drugs or drinking and isn't taking good care of themselves, what happens is that little pinprick holes appear in the aura and these lower level entities who have nothing else to do but hang around the earth can attach themselves and influence that person.
Well sh#@! that explains everything, one ghost must be a failed hairdresser who takes out her anger with the trimmer , and the others gotta be an 80 year old woman who still thinks she should still be able to drive. Hmmm…no mention of what spirit is behind her interesting parenting skills.(pause) Joan Crawford perhaps? Anyhow, now Brit doesn’t have to rely on that crutch that she’s bi-polar. (psycho babble bullsh#@) Now she just needs to get the proper treatment, and all will be well once again. Source Here


Mutt??? Where’s Jeff?

That lovely Canadian girl Shania Twain, (who lives in Switzerland, and sometimes New Zealand,eh) is getting a divorce from her husband Mutt. (Mutt??)
“Twain is best known for her hits Man! I Feel Like A Woman! and you're Still the One.
Their spokesman confirmed the split and told People magazine in the US: "It is a private matter and there will be no further comment at this time."
I guess he’s having a little trouble making feel like a woman these days. Umm..Shania. I’m feeling “UP” just thinking about her. Source Here


Who Cares

Most of the media sources are saying today’s the day that Ashlee and Pete get married. (Yawn) Just wake me when the divorce rolls around, then there will be something to talk about.


Well that’s it folks, I gotta go buy some CLR or something. My grandfathers watch is a little funky in its present condition.

Doc. B. Gone baby, gone.