10% Of Carrie Underwood Sucks, Nick Nolte Rocks

Heidi-Ho folks Doc. B. here,

It seems the going rate for hired mercenaries is a bit out of my budget. I guess I’ll just have to sit here at home, bidding my time with plots for revenge crashing through my mind. When Antonio and Lance get back, things are going to be different. For one thing, shower are going to be mandatory. No more pee on the floor (and that includes Antonio) No more internet, and no more playboy Channel. It’s time for a little tough love. Anyhow here’s the news.

But first…

Lassparri: "They threw an apple at me!"
Groucho: "Well, watermelons are out of season."
Groucho in A Night at the Opera


Simon Crush Comes Calling

Simon Cowell was caught off guard when the girl he shared his first kiss with called up on live TV.
Uncharacteristically flustered, Cowell immediately recognised her and asked: "Tara Miller, is that you?" He added: "This literally was my first kiss - this was my first crush."
Ahhh… I remember my first kiss. Her name was Patricia Porcine and she lived next door to my grandparents. The older kids in the neighbourhood used to call her Fatty Patty (she had a glandular problem) Anyhow we had been eating cookie dough all day and needed a break. She noticed some chocolate chip hanging from my lower lip and leaned over and kissed me. I was stunned, taken aback, and then felt something like an eel darting around in my mouth. Horrified I clamped down on the eel as hard as I could. It turns out it was only Patricia’s tongue. She never spoke to me again. Well, she couldn’t because she had no more tongue. Ahhh… Youth. Source Here


Sean John Forever

Sean “Diddy” Combs got his own star on Hollywoods “Walk Of Fame”. It was 2 362nd star on the famed Hollywood Boulevard. I really should say something silly or disparaging here, but I love the man’s T-shirts from his clothing line. Hey Sean, large or X-Large will do. Congratulations buddy, you deserve it. (P.S., sometimes I wear a waist size of 38 but a lot of 36’s fit as well, congratulations again, your BFF Doctor Bubbahump). Source Here


Real Men Don’t Wear Stockings

Soccer star Ronaldo has been playing the “Crying Game”, police inspector Carlos Augusto Nogueira said that Ronaldo, who is recuperating from a knee injury in his homeland, contracted the services of three transvestites - believing them to be women - and took them to a motel. Yeah that happened to me once but I only found out after I had sex. I thought he had a strong grip, but I didn’t catch on. Ahh… youth. Source Here


Papas Got A Brand New Kid

It turns out James Brown really could “Get Up” despite his advanced age.
The attorney says that the 6-year-old boy was tested in April, before the paternity test was ordered by a judge. "If that was James Brown's bone we tested, that's James Brown's kid," says Robert Archer, PhD, director of Genetic Identity labs of Eugene, OR.
I guess no one told the soul singer to “Think” before he was “Superbad”. He must have told the woman to “Try Me” or else he’ll end up in a “Cold Sweat”.
He must have said “Give It Up Or Tune It Loose” cause you’re wearing some mighty sexy “Hot Pants” so “Get Up Off A Thant Thing” and don’t worry cause “Papa Don’t Take No Mess” cause you know woman “It’s A Man’s Man’s Man’s World” and “I Got You”. And… Huh… Ok, you’re right folks. I’ll stop now. Sorry. “Say It Loud, I’m Black And I’m Proud” Whoops, couldn’t help myself. Sorry again. Source Here


Richie Sambora’s Freakin Delusional

Richie Sambora performed at a party on April 22nd and publicly commented on his DUI. He also made a comparison between his mug shot and Nick Noltes.
Humph.. the nerve. I know Nick Nolte sir, I’ve drank with Nick Nolte, and I’ve passed out beside him in the same bed. And you sir, are no Nick Nolte. In fact you’re barely worthy to pick up his vomit. I think Richie’s still drinking folks, he’s clearly delusional. Source Here


10% Of Carrie Underwood Is Shit

Carrie Underwood’s got some serious issues she needs to deal with. She tells InStyle magazine.
“I’m content with 90 percent of me,” she noted about her comfort with her body.
I wonder which 10 percent she doesn’t like? I bet it’s her nose. No wait that’s not quite 10 percent is it? Maybe she was talking about her toes. I’ve seen them, they’re ghastly. They look like little pickled pig ears. Ugh! Things get better though, she showers at least.
Some days I step out of the shower, put my lotion on and I’ll be like, ‘Ugh, ew, ew.’” She added, “I count calories, fat and fiber. If I put on five pounds, it’s noticed immediately.”
If you’re gaining 5 pounds after showering and applying lotion. I think it’s time to switch body lotions huh. Still, it’s really bugging me not knowing what 10 percent of herself she doesn’t like. Ooh, ooh, I know what it is. It’s got to be her ears. We never see them with all her hair. I wonder if she’s hiding those freaky kind of no lobe ears. No ear lobes are really creepy. It’s like God didn’t want you to wear earrings or something. Source Here


Don’t Be Bitter Baby

Remember Brian Dunkleman folks. “American Idol’s” first season co-host with Ryan Seacrest. In an interview he says he left the show because he and Seacrest didn’t get along, and that the show was just downright cruel. Simon (Cowell) shreds him, just kills him, and the kid's wellin' up, he's got tears in his eyes. He comes back to the couch, and I say to him, 'Well, hey, Paula Abdul said she liked you, what else matters?'”
Yeah Paula liked you. But then again when Paula’s meds are cranked up, there isn’t much she don’t like (including the young, nubile singers) Somehow I think Dunkleman’s just a little pissed he’s not part of the Idol gravy train. Cheer up Brian, There’s nothing to be ashamed of appearing on VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club. Not much to be ashamed of anyway. No one’s watching. So quit being a Bitter Brian and be a Bubbly Brian. Source Here


Destination Planet Earth

People of the city of Denver, you should be very proud of the progressive thinking that goes on there. Assistant City Attorney, Jeff Peckman wants the city to be prepared for when the space aliens arrive. He’s proposing a 18 member commission to enact a strategy “dealing with issues related to the presence of extraterrestrial beings on Earth.”
Relax, Jeff, when the aliens land they’re heading right to Tom Cruise’s house for a family reunion. Don’t worry. Tom’s got a plan. You ever hear of Soylent Green Jeff. That’s the plan. It’s all taken care of. (By the way folks, I made some inquiries and Jeff is not, I repeat, not related to singer Robbie Williams.) Source Here


Well that’s all I got folks. I gotta go now folks. I’m going to remove the leather and chain link swing, and the strippers pole from Antonio’s bedroom. Tough love Folks, tough love.

Doc. B. Gone baby, gone.