Paula Abdul Is Bat-Shit Crazy, C.S.I. Actor Busted

Heidi-Ho folks Doc. B. here,

Thanks to Antonio and Lance, I was without transportation of my own. Refusing to be stuck inside I walked to the nearest bus stop. This would be my first ride on a bus in 20 yrs so I was curious and a little anxious about the trek. Things started well as I found exactly the amount of the fare in my pocket. However things quickly disintegrated after that. The only seat available was completely in the back in between a large dark haired woman in a long black dress, and a scruffy bearded fellow with sunglasses on , a fedora on his head and a ragged pink Elton John T-shirt. Shoe’s, on the bus are apparently optional these days so I got a good look at his long yellow toenails. I squeezed into the spot and was immediately struck by the smell of cat urine. The woman next to me must have owned several cats because she reeked of cat piss, and feline hair adorned her dress from head to toe.
Benny and the jet beside me looked over and gave me a wink. I glanced down at my watch casually to see how much time had transpired. To my horror I discovered my watch had stopped, it was official, I had now entered the Twilight Zone. I looked out the window peering over the cat lady expecting to see a gargoyle hanging from the roof of the bus. Nothing doing. There was a sign however. It read CITY ZOO next exit. A thought occurred to me, I should visit the zoo today. Then another thought occurred to me. I need my car. This is the last straw. Antonio must pay for my inconvenience. And my dry cleaning. The rest of my ride I made plans for Antonio’s return. And a shower. Phwew. Here the news.

But first…

Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.”
“Groucho Marx”


O.J. Knows Who The Real Killers Are

Gary Dourdan, Star of “C.S.I. was arrested Monday. He might be in a wee spot of trouble though. Seems Gary was asleep in his car with the dome light on, at 5-ish in the morn’.
When the officer approached the vehicle, the officer found Dourdan (whose real name is Robert Gary Durdin) “disoriented and possibly under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs,” police confirmed to Access. Upon searching the vehicle, the officer “subsequently located suspected cocaine, heroin, Ecstasy, miscellaneous prescription drugs and paraphernalia.”
Boy he sure was ready for any occasion that may arise. Well prepared, he probably had a wetsuit, and a tux in the trunk, just in case, you know. In any case I’m going to reserve any opinion to his alleged crime. He may very have been set up. I’ve seen it before. When you have as many years in this profession as I do, you know that some things are not what they appear to be. In this case, it could be the work of the Angel Dust fairies. This is just the kind of mischief the little flying, sparkling pricks are renown for. They were totally behind Mel Gibson’s anti semetic rant. They’ve dogged Robert Downey Jr for years. The poor bastard nearly lost his mind. If you don’t believe me, you don’t have to take my word for it. Go ask O.J. he’s still searching for them. So let’s not jump to any conclusions now. Source Here


Pam Anderson, U.S. Citizen, High Five

Vancouver native Pamela Anderson is now legally a U.S. Citizen. Now like every good celeb from the U.S. Of A., Pam should dye her hair, maybe get some Botox, liposuction, a boob job.
Hmmm,
Hair, check.
Botox, check.
Boob job, hell yeah.
For all intents and purposes, Pammy has been an American since arriving on it’s soil all those years ago. So long Pam, we hardly recognize you, eh. Source Here


Paula Abduls Nails In Fabulous Technicolor

Paula Abdul still seems a little Bedtime for Bonzo, you know what I mean. Cracked in the head. Some bats in the belfry perhaps. Off her rocker, lost and confused maybe OR maybe she’s just plain bat-shit crazy. Tonight on Idol, the singers sing 2 songs. After they all sang one song, the judges critique them, all the idols on stage together. At Paula’s turn, she seemed completely unaware that they only sang one song each. So friggin clueless was she that she was critiquing songs they would only sing later. Although Paula clearly thought she heard them sing each two songs. Ryan and Simon tried to intervene but she kept babbling anyways. She was reading from prepared notes she had in front of her in case her mind wandered off to that special magic place, where has-been pop singers wishes are granted and she doesn’t have to make any decisions but the color of her nails today. There must be great freedom and tranquility in ones life when you have some space to rent between your ears.
They must just wheel her in for the show, give her an injection to wake her up a bit. When the shows over, sedate her, paint her nails and wheel her back to the soft padded room with happy faces painted on the walls. Ahh… bliss.


Sexual Fantasy #9

Kristen Bell has a Scooby snack for the lucky dog who commits to holy matrimony with the hot blonde. Naughty girl has kept her old Catholic high school uniform just for that special night. What a thoughtful young lady. (I wonder if I have to convert?) Fortunately, the stars have aligned for the lovely Ms Bell and myself. For I too have kept a special outfit from my glorious past to share on that enchanted evening after all the vows have been spoken. The guests have filtered out, quite inebriated and weary. In a room where one can hear the Falls rumbling softly in the background. Alone at last. She exits from the washroom, coquettish, and eager, in her uniform. She approaches the bed where I lie. I remove the covers to reveal my special outfit. My 10th grade Boy Scout uniform. I’m only missing three badges. I know Kristen will be able to help me finish two of them.I hope I can remember how to do my knots, the condom I kept in the back pocket always seemed a bit big. The uniform should still fit me… with a few alterations, here or there. Now I just need to work up the courage to pop the question to Kristen, and then tell the Rabbi I’m converting. Again. Source Here


When Pigs Fly

If you’re out driving folks, and a giant pig named OBAMA floats by, over your car, relax. No it’s not a flashback, and no you are not having a stroke, or aneurism, or a bi-polar attack. You are fine, you’re not hallucinating, although you may have driven off the road. The floating pig escaped from the Coachella Festival. Other mistreated inflatable animals also escaped. So keep your windshield wiper fluid reserve full and your windows clean and you can safely revisit your drug addled past without actually having to do more drugs. FreeBird!! Source Here

Well that’s all folks. I gotta go get an inflatable love doll for my master plan to get Antonio once and for all. I think I put her in the basement.

Doc. B. Gone baby, gone.