Aunt Britney’s Gift / Ron Jeremy For Tea

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here.

I awoke to the sound of breaking glass. Then all I could hear were some voices muffled, whispering in the dark. The voices sounded worried, panicked even. And yet they were too afraid to yell out. It was the voices of my captors, and they were quite clearly scared shitless. Moments passed, and like the cliché, they felt like hours. Then I heard another strange sound, almost like something snapping but I can't be sure. A large thud followed. Something heavy had hit the floor, but what? Now I could clearly make out one of my captors calling to the other, "get up Horace, get up"! Silence. Horace either refused to reply, or simply could not reply. Minutes passed, quietly and without incident, then I heard the unmistakable sound of car keys rattling. One of my captors was going to make a break of it. But what had shaken him so. I could hear him maneuver to the door... yet there he stayed, on pause, so to speak. What was beyond the door that frightened him so much. What had this man reaped. It was now so quiet I could clearly make out the sound of factory not far from here. It had to be the tire plant, I never even had paid attention to the smell for I had become accustomed to it. A large creak sound pierced the night, he had opened the door. Snap! Followed by a large thud, again. I cowered in the corner of the room, wondering what fate awaited me. In the other room I could hear my captor wheezing, his breath labored and weak. He let out one final gasp and I heard nothing more from him. I dreaded the next few moments knowing that by I would either be free, or dead. Someone had entered the next room, I could sense it. The doorknob in my room began to turn and so did my stomach. The door swung open and to my disbelief, there in the doorway stood Bjork. I was saved. There are some lapses in my memory after that, but as she helped me out of the house that had been my prison this last week, I didn't notice any bodies on the floor. My captors were nowhere to be found or seen. They had vanished. I never thought to ask Bjork exactly what she had done to them. Maybe one day I will ask her, but for now I let myself believe that she released the swans upon them and they were carried away, faraway, to Iceland……………. here's the news.

But first…

“One Can Never Know For Sure What A Deserted Area Looks Like”
“George Carlin”


Charlize is ripe, if you know what I mean. We a is an old one to on him and I

Actress a Charlize Theron was on the Letterman show the other night and she revealed quite a few interesting details about herself . Such little details like when and how often she showers. (relax fellas, it becomes less erotic as it goes on ) " When I do have a little time off I like to get down and dirty like camping or traveling to countries that don't have the luxuries I'm a tough girl and I can not shower for a week - I'm fine with that." Well great, Im glad you're fine with that Charlize, however that sounds a little too Parisian for my tastes. She went on to add "There's a time and a place for everything and sometimes there's a time for not showering." Hmmm... that's funny I can only really come up with one good time for not showering. Driving your car,... that's about it. And sometimes when you're eating, like when you're having sandwiches, the bread gets all soggy and wet. Other then that, there's always time for a shower. For Christ sakes if you shower every day, you're not that dirty , and it only takes two minutes. Jeez. Must be fun to be her boyfriend huh! Imagine them working in the garden together spreading the a manure, they've just finished for the day. He looks over at her and says "you know what honey, all this hard work is making me horny, what say you we hit the shower and make whoopee?". She turns to him and answers, "this is not the time nor the place for a shower dammit, take me now like the dirty sow I am, you pig!". Brrrr... how's that for an image folks. Chew on that the next time you watch her in Mighty Joe Young. Source Here


Ron Jeremy Stops by for Tea

British singer Lily Allen hates her fans. I mean, there's no other way of putting it really. She doesn't want to meet them because she thinks they're all freaks and geeks, nut cases and stalkers. Or least that's the interpretation I got, you can see for yourself. She said: “There was one group of girl fans who flew all the way over from Texas just for one night to see me. I met them briefly. It was really flattering. I told my mother and she was like, ‘Oh my God, that’s so sweet, well you should let them stay here!’ And I was like, ‘You what? Are you f***ing mental?’ See what I mean folks, and my God what a potty mouth. She should be ashamed of herself using that kind of language in front of her mother. And she's just so rude and insensitive, calling her mother mental. Really, what a hurtful comment. Anyhow she continues, "I’m scared of home in case my mum meets random fans and brings them home for a cup of tea!” Oh brother how arrogant can she be, now she's going to tell her mother who she can and can't bring home for tea. And what if she meets someone? A certain someone special. A man, a man say like... Ron Jeremy? You know her mother has a life too. What if she met Ron Jeremy and wanted to invite him for tea, and more. Will Lily still be telling her what to do then? Will she really tell her mother to pass up an evening with the Hedgehog? One would like to think the answer would be no, but these kids today. Flaky! Source Here


Attack of the Six-Foot Bunny Rabbit

With the arrival of her niece Maddie, Britney Spears went shopping to celebrate her transition into aunthood. (Not that she needs a reason to go shopping.)
So with the baby only a few weeks old she went in search of the appropriate gift for someone so small.So what did aunt Britney buy you ask? Britney Spears has ordered a customised six-foot tall bunny from a Los Angeles store. I hope she bought a lot of diapers too! Because the kid is going to shit her pants when she sees a six-foot tall bunny rabbit in her room. And what exactly do they mean-- customized. I mean c'mon folks! This is Britney Spears were talking about here! The rabbit probably has a functioning bar, complete with corkscrew and can opener. It probably only plays songs off Britney's last album, and when you press the button in the middle of its stomach it says, Justin, save me. Please forgive me, and then the bunny crawls into a fetal position onto the floor and just shakes violently. At least that's one theory. Another theory is that the bunny will be broadcasting secret sermons from Mel Gibson. Sermons meant to prepare her for adulthood or human sacrifice, whichever comes first. If you want my opinion Jamie Lynn should be very wary of her big sister. With Britney's track record with her own kids, Jamie Lynn might want to consider getting a restraining order.
It's not the first gift Britney has bought the baby however. "She also ordered a custom made, six-foot tall elephant with a blue bow which she wants to sit in the middle of the nursery." When Jamie Lynn suggested the elephant would look better in the corner, Britney went beserk. She threw her glass of gin and tonic against the wall and screamed, "the elephant sits in the middle of the room or I torch the place!" Then she kicked over the coffee table, spilling Doritos all over the floor and grabbed little baby Maddie yelling, "Maddy and I are going for a drive, were going shopping! And because you being such a good girl Maddie, auntie Britney is going to let you sit on her lap while she drives. Won't that be fun!" Brrr... I know this is all hypothetical, but it's still chilling isn't it? Source Here


The Immaculate Looking Woman; Oblivious.

Well if you've ever wondered what the vertically challenged look like when they're having sex you're about to find out. TMZ reports that a sex tape featuring Verne Troyer might be in circulation soon. (And now folks if you will indulge me)Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr……….! Kevin Blatt, who brokered the deal for Paris' video, is entertaining a $100k offer from SugarDVD to distribute the nastiness. Well if it's from the makers of One Night in Paris then it must be good huh! And isn't it nice he met a girl who wasn't self-conscious about being with a man whose of a disabled height (what is the proper terminology for a Mini- Me anyways?) Speaking of semiconscious…..eh, self-conscious women, a friend and I had a conversation a couple months ago about whether a woman is conscious of her surroundings at all times. My friend and I went to the movies and we had to park far from the theater in another lot. Now this was on the busiest Blvd. in the city, with off ramps along the way to get onto the highway. Now, there's no lights or stop signs to help pedestrians get across these exits and avoid the oncoming traffic, so you have to wait and pick your spots. It's one of those amusing little games we like to play in Québec to keep us all on our toes, pedestrians and drivers alike. While waiting for break in traffic we noticed a woman across the road from us, also trying across. She was in tight running short shorts, with a clingy top. She had been running and was listening to an iPod. While waiting for traffic to subside so she could cross the road, she decided to bend over and start doing some serious stretching. Right there! On the side of the road. She nearly made the traffic worse as there were three near accidents because of some people's rubber-necking. It was then I turned to my friend and asked him "could she possibly be that clueless?" I mean she was a real looker, and she had to know it. In the sun she looked immaculate, sweat glistening off her arms and legs, really in shape, like zero body fat. But like I told my friend, she had to be cognizant of the fact that people were watching... hard. What type of person invites that type of attention, I asked my friend? Could she really be so wrapped up in her own little world, busy exercising, trying to remain perfect. Or was she really just trying to stop traffic, literally. Perhaps she was just calculating in her head how much calories she needed to burn off. Maybe she was just doing the math of how much distance she had done, her rate of speed, beats per minute, who knows! Maybe, just maybe she was figuring in her head how much more running she needed to do to burn off the cake she ate at the office to celebrate her coworker Dolores' birthday. Maybe inside her head she was thinking, "I need to run three more kilometers to completely eliminate the cake plus the cream I had in my coffee this morning. God 3 km is a lot, I knew I should've passed on that cake. Of course Dolores had to have chocolate fudge cake. She’s such a hippo she doesn't give a shit any more and has clearly given up on trying to look half decent. God, three more kilometers, I'm going to kill that bitch Dolores". Perhaps that's what she was thinking, who knows really? Maybe she was really focused on her running and was lost in her own little world, unaware of her surroundings. Maybe she was stretching because she wanted to stay limber and loose for her remaining kilometers while waiting for a right time to cross. It's possible. It's possible sure, but unlikely. No , what is more likely is that she knew she was being watched, and even though she couldn't see every single pair of eyes that were gazing upon her, she was secure in the fact that she was being ravished. Properly. So the conclusion my friend and I came to was... she knew exactly what she was doing, and what she was doing to all who were around her. And she loved every minute of it. My friend said it reminded him of his ex-wife. After the divorce, unfortunately. So fellas the next time you see a woman who appears to be oblivious to how she's making you feel, don't be shy. Give her a wink and a thumbs up. She'll appreciate that you noticed. Source Here


Brain Cramp

That Kid Rock, what a funny guy. Still, he's got some 'splaining to do. Apparently, the Kid posted a message on YouTube encouraging people to steal cars, clothes, and iPods. And that's not all, he also suggested that his fans should either legally download his music. (Gasp!)
Here's a little bit of what he actually said, Kid Rock says in the video that he's so rich, he can't complain if fans steal a song or two off the Internet without paying him.In fact, he says, people should "level the playing field" by stealing anything they need from wealthy corporations. Can you say-- brain cramp! There's no other word for it. Tune in tomorrow when I'm sure I'll have some nondenial denial about what kid rock actually said. Source Here

That's it that's all folks I gotta go, Bjork is taking me to Taco Bell and she's buying. She says a Gorditta does a body good.

Doc B. Gone baby gone