Save Dane Cooks Dog, Chinese Coupons

Happy Monday folks,

Doc. B. here,

And I’m not in a good mood. I received a summons to testify in Luis, the cat’s trial. I don’t have time for this circus. So I tried to leave, and now my chimp Antonio has gotten a couple of gorillas (literally) he knows to stand watch outside my room. I’ve been confined to my quarters until such a time, as the trial unfolds. This sucks! F%$?ing pets. I should have stayed married. Here’s what I could dig up today pardon the B-list and C-list celebs.

But first…

“In all matter of, our adversaries are insane”
“Oscar Wilde”


Mariah Carey’s One Of Us

I try, I really do. I try to take these celebrities seriously sometimes, but there are some that should have to pass a basic Q and A comprehension exam. Mariah Carey apparently wants us all to know, that she is no different than the rest of us "I sit in hotel rooms with a bunch of humidifiers watching pay-per-view."(Source here)
Yup, that about sums up my weekend right there. Except for the posh suite at the hotel, of course. And the humidifiers. What’s the humidifiers for. To help her throat? To slow the aging process? To liquify her brain perhaps. Yup she’s a lot like I am. And you as well, I’m sure. C’mon, you’re reading this right now, with the TV playing, and the humidifiers going, right? No? what’s that? You’re at work you say. You don’t have a time to watch TV, you say, because you work hard. You can’t afford luxury hotels because you’re maxed out, you say. I’m sorry, my mistake. Hmmm… I guess Mariah and I really are better than other people. Sorry, did I say better. I meant different.


Dane Cooks Dog Needs Your Help

The stories about Dane Cook keep piling up like… well, like dog shit to be honest. First his fellow comics accuse him of ripping off theirs jokes ( I heard him in Montreal with a routine that was very similar to another comic from the fest the year before) the next gripes about this guy were that he was making outrageous demands while filming commercials for the world series on TBS. His behavior was described as Diva-like. Now comes word that Dane’s neighbors want to bring him to court because he doesn’t pick up after his dog. Dane lives in an apartment complex in Hollywood. Apparently, some flack for Dane suggested they would fight this all the way. Man this guy sounds like a real jerk. The prick will probably drag this on in court forcing his neighbors to shell out for legal fees, while he makes a film here and there, ripping off other comics material, laughing at his neighbors as he trots his dog out to poop on their premises. And who suffers in all this. The poor dog, that’s who.

As the neighborhood fumes over Danes actions, his helpless dog becomes more, and more ostracized. While Dane’s off cavorting around, acting the fool, his dog is denied the simple interaction with others that every living soul needs and desires. Now, when his dog approaches another dog to say hello, (i.e.: sniff it’s ass) he is denied interaction, not for his sins, but the sins of his master. It is not the pet who chooses the area, in which he is expected to conduct his business (i.e.: take a shit) Dane Cook is the owner, thus the legal guardian assigned to look after the animal (i.e.: the dog). Certainly it’s his job to make sure the animal (i.e.: his dog) can relieve himself, and do so without feeling the shame and humiliation of being singled out as a loner, who does not conform to the standards of the community, because he has a master who does not take responsibility of properly disposing the animals (i.e.: the dog) waste. (i.e.: the dog shit). This is exactly the kind of stress that can lead the animal (i.e.: the dog) to wild behavioral problems. Some are easily detected, like when the animal openly weeps (depression), when the animal starts acting aggressively, (the Naomi Campbell Syndrome) and when the animal (i.e.: the dog) starts acting so completely bat shit, that one cannot predict what it will do next (Britney Spears Affliction). Except by then it is usually too late.

Fortunately, there is still time to save this animal. (i.e.: the dog) And you can do your part, by sending just one penny a month to the Doctor Bubbahump save the Animals From The Thoughtless, Vacant, Egotistical Celebrities Foundation, has rescued many, many, helpless pets escape the ordeal they are living with, because their owners are careless media whores. For example, just last week we were able to save a tabby cat from the guy who played Daryl on the “Newhart” show. (No, not him, the other Daryl) the cat was being forced against its will to perform de-humanizing acts, to please members of his owner’s theatre group. (Fluffy pink balls with little gold bells were involved) These animals can be saved, with your help. For one penny a month, you can change a life, won’t you help. Listen to the animals. Listen to them talk…. Hear that. They said “Get me the f#@k outta here” (real story here)


The Real Big Guns

TLC is going to have their own reality singing competition, so they’ve hired some big guns to help them make a splash in the ratings. I know, I know… You’re thinking Bono maybe, or perhaps Gwen Steffani. Nope, you’d be wrong. They’ve hired as host (Drumroll…) Mel B and Joey Fatone. Hey, where are you going? I saw your eyes drifting down to the column below about Carmeron Diaz. What’s wrong with Mel B and Joey Fatone. Where’s the love people, where’s the love? Mel B was in, only the biggest girl group to come out of Britain, and Joey was in….in… in. You know that band. The band with all the other guys. The band with all the other guys who were cuter than him. And more talented than him. You know what, I can’t remember either. Let’s move on to the story below about Cameron Diaz. Source Here


Cameron Diaz Loves “300”

Rumors abound (they do that sometimes) that Cameron Diaz (yeehaw) is seeing that guy from “300”, Gerald Butter (Boo, hiss) Nothing in concrete yet, (athough my bookie has nice pair of boots with my name on them) but where there’s smoke, there’s someone sneaking a cigarette before break. I keep you informed. Source Here


Burt Reynolds Is The Invisible Man

Burt Reynolds reveals the wise, (if you don’t know him, you should) and sage advice he received from acting legend Spencer Tracy (repeat message in Parentheses above) When Spence asked the Burt, what he did for a living, the Burt replied “I act”, To which Spence responded with “well, don’t let them catch you at it” Wow, talk about great advice. Except, I think Burt has taken it a step too far, be cause I haven’t seen him in Jack-shit lately. Is he playing the invisible man? Harry Lime? D.B. Cooper maybe? I don’t know, but he’s not on my radar right now. Oh shit! I had my radar set on destroy. I hope I didn’t vaporize Burt Reynolds. I never should have bought this Chinese radar equipment, but I couldn’t pass up a good deal.

The Chinese government was having a red tag sale because they’re overstocked with these military radars. They were going to use them to weed out dissidents during the Olympics. However their relocation program for dissidents is ahead of schedule thanks to an out line from some German book published way back. Therefore, ahead of schedule= red tag sales. That way I’m happy, the Chinese government is happy, and the dissidents (i.e.: the people of China) are happy. What’s that? Not so fast you say. Hey folks, don’t hate the player. Hmmm, maybe now the time to get involved. To raise my voice, to stand and be counted, to be a good world citizen. OMG! Is that Ryan Seacrest hanging out with Sophie Monk? (What?? I’ll save the world later, promise.)Source Here

You’re Kidding, Ryan Seacrest?

As written above, there are whispers (they abound, as well) that Ryan and Sophie Monk have hooked up. No, I’m not kidding. Yes “that” Ryan Seacrest. I know, I know. I don’t get it either. I could have sworn that he would like somebody from the same team. I don’t know what Sophie’s thinking though. Maybe she needs glasses. Source Here

Well I gotta go meet Bjork at the BurgerKing. We are going to a “Free Tibet” rally. I hope I can score one of those cool looking orange robes, they’re hot.

Be Aware or Be Square

Doc. B. Gone, baby gone.