Withdrawal for Lindsay Lohan/Jessica Simpson Follows Her Dad's Advice

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here

Well not much has changed since yesterday, my captors still have me, and Antonio still has Bubbles. It's a stalemate. My captors no longer know what to do when they been bickering all night, drunk on cheap wine. One of them is really, really, sorry he didn't go work with his father-in-law deactivating landmines in Bosnia. His mistake, when you see your chance you've got to reach out and grab it. However, on the bright side, their bickering has pre-occupied them enough to allow me to post today. Here's the news.

But first…

“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.”
“James Dent”


Summer's Here And The Time Is Right…

Have you noticed it yet? The wind is no longer brisk but just cool, everything starts to look a lot greener, with a beautiful golden yellow hue this time of year. Summer is almost upon us and soon we'll be rummaging through our garages looking for our summer things. Like the water-fountain with the likeness of the Las Vegas Elvis made out of cement, or the flesh colored garden hose with a special penis shaped nozzle, bought in New Orleans. (OK, my taste might be more prurient than yours) But nothing beats my hammock, made of leather and shag carpeting with built- in electronic mosquito repellent and CD player. There's no better way to relax. And with that in mind, what does one need while relaxing in the hammock? A good book. So if you're looking for a good book to read this summer,...Bruce Hulse, a former Calvin Klein model has written a tell all book. Sorry, sorry, this ain't it. However it might make for some good light reading in between naps on the hammock.
Some of his female conquests over his career you ask? Among his trophy catches are Paulina Porizkova, Andie MacDowell and Tatjana Patitz.
"I arrived at Paulina's hotel room ... only to find her wearing next to nothing," he wrote.
In "I was doomed."Within seconds we were all over each other."We completely tore up the hotel room." Humph..I don't want to hear about the architecture, what about the sex man?
Hulse's alleged liaison with MacDowell was hot in more ways than one.He wrote a table lamp in MacDowell's room "was way too bright for us both, so I gallantly took off my T-shirt and threw it over the top"."Just as we began to kiss again, the smell of something burning broke the spell," he wrote.
Damnit man, I don't care about the lighting or the furniture. What about the sex man?
Maybe he'll go into a little more juicy details about his tryst with German model PatItz. "I crossed a boundary and did something I had never done to another male model before," Hulse wrote. Hmmm... I'm not sure I want to read where this is going."I ratted (him) out. (He) had told me about another model he'd had amazing sex with, so I told Tatjana."I felt guilty for stooping to such a level, but I was crazy about Tatjana."
Well now, he sounds like a silly teenage girl . This guy seems like a real jerk actually. Deeply insecure.
(Sigh) I guess I'll just have to keep looking for a good book, because this surely is not it. And you know what? I think Las Vegas Elvis would look good in the living room, that's what I think.


Get your media fix here—Lilo

How big of her. How absolutely ginormous of Lindsay Lohan to take her name out of voting contention for an Emmy, for her guest spot on the TV show Ugly Betty. "We felt that the appearance wasn't enough and look forward to the next five episodes," Lohan's publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnick, explained to the Daily News. The troubled star, apparently, is gunning for an Emmy win in 2009.
Remember this is the same girl that wants to win an Oscar before she was... what was it, 25? Boy is this girl deluded, she really thinks she's all that. Saaay... couldn't she technically be nominated for her appearance on her mom's reality show. You know the part where Dina checks out Lilo's sword fighting technique on the web. Oh no, she can't, that's right. It would only be eligible next season. Anyhow it got her name out there, isn't it? It's been a more than a few days since anyone's talked about her in the newspapers, or on the Web. She must've been clawing at the walls, biting her nails, picking at dead skin, irritable, unreasonable, just plain unpleasant to be around.
That kind of behavior is normal when you're suffering from Hype withdrawal. Hopefully she'll stumble across this blog and just chill, knowing that I only mention her because she's begging me to. Here you go honey. Dr. BubbaHump's got your medicine.


Playtime

12-year-old actress (Little Miss Sunshine), Abigail Breslin needs some time to just be a kid, me-thinks . She just had a movie (Nims Island) come out not long ago, and she's got another one coming out soon. So when she does have a some down time, you know you'd think she'd be reading Tiger Beat, or going swimming or something. But no. It seems like she's researching for her next part. “I would like to play Helen Keller or Lady Jane Gray. I just read a book about her, and she was the Queen of England for nine days. I just thought that was really interesting.
You and me both, Abbie dear.... (!?) For Christ sakes, somebody get this kid a pogo stick, a hula hoop, a frisbee, crayons, a bowl of chocolate icing, David Archuleta, Jell-O, the Jonas brothers, shiny beads! Homemade cookies, puppy dogs, a tire swing, something kids like! Take away her books on The History of the Monarchy, the Spanish Inquisition, Ulysses, Einstein's theory of relativity, and A Brief History of Martyrs and chuck them out the window, burn them, --destroy them! And when you see her for her yourself folks, slap that book out of her hands and buy her an ice cream cone for gods sakes.


What Jessica Simpson Was Really Thinking, Was...

Jeez-- that was funny. What was you ask? Well it seems Jessica Simpson was having lunch in a restaurant in New York when a fellow diner told Simpson that “she was her No. 1 fan from back in the ‘Idol’ days,” reports OK! magazine. Having been there, I was able to clearly read the thought bubbles plainly visible above Jessica's head. [Thought bubble; Gee the people in this restaurant seem pretty busy with their meal, I wonder if they'd notice if I'd slap this bitch upside the head? They probably would. What should I do? I know. What daddy always tells me to do. Smile and look pretty, and stick out your chest, cause they were expensive.] An eyewitness told the mag that Simpson “didn’t correct her, and she started to laugh when the girl asked how she was doing since her devastating split from Chace (Crawford).” [Thought bubble; I want to strangle her now but I can't. What if I just pretended to fall forward and accidentally stab her in the throat with my knife? It would be an accident. And they can't send me to jail because I'm famous... oh yeah... Martha Stewart. (Sigh) Do like daddy always says, smile and look pretty. Oh! Almost forgot to stick out my puppies.] She straightens up in her chair, puffs out her chest-- popping off a button that nearly blinds the waiter. She reportedly was “not pleased” about being mistaken for Underwood. [Thought bubble; No shit Sherlock!]


Rabbits Stew

I'd watch your back girls, Miss June, Miss July, and Miss August are waiting in the wings. It seems there's some friction going on at the Playboy mansion. Hugh Hefner's bunnies are getting on each other's nerves on the set of the TV show, The Girls Next Door. With the main culprit being Hef’s favorite Holly Madison. TMZ reports that everyone "hates" Holly - especially fellow Hefner girlfriend, Kendra Wilkinson.
Apparently, the two can't even be in the same room together, which is causing problems for the show's producers, who are having trouble shooting around the fighting. Cat fights huh! Sorry, my bad, Bunnie brawls. What's stopping them from filming, are they not naked. Well get them naked and let them go at it, I say. Should make for great TV. Hugh Hefner, what a lucky bastard. I wish I had one iota of his problems with the ladies...er… bunnies.

That's it that's all folks, I gotta go. I can't spend too much time on the computer. One of my captors thinks it's the devil's work. More like the devil's playground I think.

Doc B. Gone baby gone