Britney Is Possessed, Says Expert. Lilo Needs Your Kindness. And Money.

Heidi ho folks, Doc B here

Well, I found my grandfathers watch, and I’m regular again. Plus more good news, I’m getting a promotion. My boss has gone off to the French Riviera with the male stripper Bubbles sent him on Mother’s day. Things are looking up. Now if only I could figure out a way to get rid of Bubbles and her crazy, stalking, jealous ass (albeit firm ass, firm like a tranny’s grip!) Anyhow here’s the news.


But first


“The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.”
“George Carlin”


Watch Out ! Stampede !

I see that KFC has offered lovebirds Chris and Rihanna a freebie if they drop by and and perform another greasy make out session covered in gravy. Some guy from marketing said “We could feel the heat - literally - in our restaurant that night. So much so that we'd like to invite you and Chris back to any KFC for a free meal." If they repeat their performance, he promises, "We'll make a donation to your charity, Believe, which helps underprivileged children."
Nice story, but I hope it doesn’t start a trend. Giving away free meals after every celeb swaps spit in a booth could become costly. All of a sudden Rosie O’Donnell and her girlfriend will be snogging away at the Olive Garden, Ruben Studdard will make a embarrassing public display to score at the Outback Steakhouse, and I shudder just thinking of what Gary Busey will do. This could set a precedent that would shake the fast food business down to its very core. Source Here


Will Pose For Food

Once again I feel the need to ask my faithful readers to be generous and help out a desperate soul in need of some financial assistance. A cheesy website has been created to get Lindz's bash off the ground, claiming "a group of 75 VIP guests" will party down at the "internationally media worthy event." All you have to do his fork over the cash -- and your product can be a part of it!
Yes Lindsay Lohans scratching for some cash again, sad ain’t it? So look in your hearts folks and see if you can’t spare a bit of cash for a starlet in need. No? Then do it for me folks, without Lilo, I don‘t know what I’d do. This is longest relationship I ever had with a woman. Her escapades are always gold. Gold I tells you. C’mon, and help Lilo continue to roll in style. Source Here


Not Funny

Amy Winehouse is pleading with her jailed junkie of a boyfriend to not consider divorcing her. In an extremely weird and pathetic video she’s posted on YouTube, The bizarre homemade video sees Wino and Doherty playing with what appears to be a shoebox full of baby mice. Winehouse then picks up one of the mice, holds it up to the camera, and says (via the mouse): "This one's got a message for Blake... Blake, please don't divorce mummy..... she loves you ever so."
Her partner in 'crime', and some say possible lover, is then heard saying, "If you do divorce her, you'll have me to deal with."
"Yeah, he's right, if you divorce me, you'll have me to deal with. I'm only a day old, but I know what love is," says Wino, still holding the mouse.
It,s pretty sad to watch someone abuse themselves this way. She won’t be long of this Earth.
Source Here


Without A Pot To Piss In

I’ve always enjoyed John Cleese in his Python days, his classic Fawlty Towers and even the sequel to A Fish Called Wanda, Fierce Creatures. So I’m pleased to see he hasn’t lost his sense of humor as he’s in the process of divorce # 3. (Really, I hear the 4th time is the charm. Too tired to care.) Though a divorce from wife number three is already costing 68-year-old John Cleese $150,000 a month in "temporary maintenance," the jokester can still laugh about it.
"It's going to be very, very expensive - but it will be worth every penny," said the British actor as he left court yesterday.
Does it come as a surprise to anyone that his wife is claiming poverty then. Of course not. Eichelberger claims to be broke, which Cleese pointed out was ironic considering her recent shelter choices.
"It puzzled me how she could be staying at the Carlyle Hotel in a room that costs $1,185 a night?" he said
Humph... is that all it cost, the place must be decrepit and in decay. This must be all very traumatizing and I’m sure she’s in a very emotional state, what with the bother of actually having to call room service, and slumming in a style she’s not accustomed to. Poor thing. Source Here


TV Quotes

Slow news day, so how about a sampling of some of the best TV quotes of the week.

''Yeah, I'm trying to lure these kids into my booth. But kids are very wary of being lured these days. Thank you, Dateline.''
Michael Scott (Steve Carell), at a high school job fair, on the office

''If it's a boy, we're gonna name him Morpheus, like that guy in The Matrix. If it's a girl, ooh yeah, I used to boff this girl named Judy, and I would love to honor her.''
Dennis (Dean Winters), after learning that Liz (Tina Fey) is pregnant with his child, on 30 Rock

'Earlier today, President Bush said that Cinco de Mayo is an opportunity to recognize the strong ties of family, economy, and culture that bind the United States and Mexico. Then the president said, 'Now let's get back to building that fence.''
CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT
Source Here


Who You Gonna Call

The reasons behind Britney Spears strange behavior has been solved folks. Now all she needs is an exorcism.
"I see people's energy around them and Britney Spears has two low-level ghosts attached to her. One has tattoos all over him and the other is kind of creepy looking," says Van Praagh and, no, he's not talking about Kevin Federline. "Around every living thing is the aura, which is the electromagnetic bubble protecting us, but if someone is overly involved with drugs or drinking and isn't taking good care of themselves, what happens is that little pinprick holes appear in the aura and these lower level entities who have nothing else to do but hang around the earth can attach themselves and influence that person.
Well sh#@! that explains everything, one ghost must be a failed hairdresser who takes out her anger with the trimmer , and the others gotta be an 80 year old woman who still thinks she should still be able to drive. Hmmm…no mention of what spirit is behind her interesting parenting skills.(pause) Joan Crawford perhaps? Anyhow, now Brit doesn’t have to rely on that crutch that she’s bi-polar. (psycho babble bullsh#@) Now she just needs to get the proper treatment, and all will be well once again. Source Here


Mutt??? Where’s Jeff?

That lovely Canadian girl Shania Twain, (who lives in Switzerland, and sometimes New Zealand,eh) is getting a divorce from her husband Mutt. (Mutt??)
“Twain is best known for her hits Man! I Feel Like A Woman! and you're Still the One.
Their spokesman confirmed the split and told People magazine in the US: "It is a private matter and there will be no further comment at this time."
I guess he’s having a little trouble making feel like a woman these days. Umm..Shania. I’m feeling “UP” just thinking about her. Source Here


Who Cares

Most of the media sources are saying today’s the day that Ashlee and Pete get married. (Yawn) Just wake me when the divorce rolls around, then there will be something to talk about.


Well that’s it folks, I gotta go buy some CLR or something. My grandfathers watch is a little funky in its present condition.

Doc. B. Gone baby, gone.

BABY PICTURES SCAM ALERT: McConaughey Cashing In.

Heidi ho folks Doc B here,

I finally got free. Bubbles kidnapped me, I haven’t eaten in two days. I smell, I’m constipated, she broke some fingers but I can still type a bit…slowy…ever so slowly. Anyhow, enough about me, here’s the news.


But first…

“Do not breed. Nothing gives less pleasure than childbearing. Pregnancies are damaging to health, spoil the figure, wither the charms, and it's the cloud of uncertainty forever hanging over these events that darkens a husband's mood.”
“Marquis De Sade”


TA-DA, BABY FATS ALL GONE

Wax on, wax off. It seems it’s that simple to get rid of those little bit of pounds after the baby. Just ask Christina Aguilera as she endears herself to mothers everywhere, "Breast-feeding is my secret workout," she says. "It can take a lot out of you, so the pounds tend to fall off."
Gee I didn’t realize it was that easy,.But seriously, Xtina is looking really good. You can take a peep at the photo to the link. Right now there’s a lot of haters out there, I hear ya, you think she’s a lying bitch, don’tcha. Do I detect just the faintest whiff of jealousy, …I think I do. Don’t be that way, we’re all put together differently, it’s all in the genes, you know. For the minority, losing the weight after a child can sometimes require a bit more discipline, and exercise. But in no way should you let yourself be bothered by the fact that Christina looks so friggin hot already so soon……………You hate me now don’tcha. That’s ok, I understand. Now put down the cake. It can’t love you back, and it won’t respect you in the morning. Source Here


EASY LISTENING

Good news all you fans of the group Slipnkot(I'm talking about you, Jeff fromTappahannock)their new album is almost finished. Frontman Corey Taylor reveals what to expect
"Instead of bitching about what went wrong in my life, I'm bitching about what's wrong in life, PERIOD
He also mentioned that its "very dark".
Oh good, because their last album was very disappointing, I thought it was too upbeat, like Julie Andrews too upbeat. Will there be any changes to their live show you ask, there's still room for cow intestines and throwing up onstage
Oh good, that’s a relief ,I’ll be the tall guy in the first row wearing the raincoat. See you there.
Source Here


BRITNEYS NOT PREGNANT, DAMMIT

Rumours were rampant that Britney was preggars again, (Yes I was crossing my fingers) but some stooge for Brit said
“I want to make completely clear that Britney is not pregnant. There’s not going to be a statement – she’s just not.” ( anymore??!)
Damm, that would of been just what she needed, another kid like ..eh..Rupert and his brother…eh,..Ringo. Whatever. Now comes word that’s shes off with Mel Gibson in Costa Rica (it’s not what you think. Or maybe it is, but this is what we know so farThe Braveheart star and wife Robyn whisked the singer and her dad Jamie to his private Costa Rica estate where they are expected to stay the weekend. Mel, 52, wants Britney to join his therapy group, which involves daily AA and group support meetings — and hopes to introduce her to his drug counselor Warren Boyd who helped Mel, Courtney Love and Whitney Houston kick their habits.
Yikes! With a client list like that, I hope she doesn’t pay this Boyd character up front. I didn’t realize Courtney Love had a problem though. Humph…go figure. Well then I’m convinced, this should put Brit on the right path. Source Here


THE END IS NIGH

Oh no, here we go again folks .Cover your ears, I’m going to blow my whistle, ready? BBBRRRREEEEEEEPPPPPPP!!! BABY SCAM ALERT BBBRRRREEEEEEPPPPPPP!!! BABY SCAM ALERT
Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves
have reportedly hired brand agent Todd Shemarya to rake in the cash from magazines for their celebu-spawn's first baby photos.
I can’t friggin believe this. Is Matt’s kid like some kind of fantasy draft pick or something, this is getting RID-DONK-CULOUS! C’mon folks , join with me, all together now . Let me hear you say this shit is bananas
B-A-N-A-N-A-S
(This shit is bananas)
(B-A-N-A-N-A-S)
Again
This shit is bananas
B-A-N-A-N-A-S
(This shit is bananas)
(B-A-N-A-N-A-S)
They must be stopped folks. Do you remember Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused? You do.
Well if he can make enough money selling baby photos, that’s the way he’ll go back to behaving. How many times do I got to rant about it before we take action people. They must be stopped. Source Here


LA VIE EN ROSE

Kanye West made a quick million promoting Casio, but still found something to bitch about the swollen-headed rapper complained about the green room, which was last occupied by designer John Galliano when he threw a Dior show in the restaurant under the 59th Street Bridge. West sniffed, "It smells like a dirty French boudoir."
Hey Kanye, ca sent-tu comme des roses quand vous allez chier, je ne crois pas. And thats all I have to say about that. Source Here


Well that’s all I have strength for today. I gotta go find Bruce to help me out. I think the reason I’m constipated is that Bubbles must have done something to me while I was unconscious. Hmm..come to think of it, I haven’t seen my grandfathers watch, a friend of his from the war went through a lot of trouble to get that watch back to my dad without getting caught while imprisoned in a p.o.w. camp. I hope it didn’t get lost. Now, where are the prunes and Benefibre?

Doc. B. Gone baby, gone.

CHRIS AND RIHANNA: FINGER LICKING GOOD, LILO’S HARD UP FOR CASH

Heidi Ho folks

I’ve been feeling weak all day, like I’m coming down with something. And all Bruce is doing is making me feel paranoid about it. He thinks Bubbles has somehow poisoned me. I googled poisoned , and the symptoms are pretty similar. Then again it could be the sushi that was in the fridge. It’s only been there since …F@#k !


But first…

“I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are”
“Groucho Marx”


Flat Head Or Star?

Kelly Rowland is thinking of moving to Britain. You remember her, she was in Destiny's Child. Remember? No. She's the one who got a boob job so her clothes would fit better. ... Ahh... now you get it. Anyhow she and her pals Nelly and Usher were partying at Amika's ,enjoying the British hospitality, no doubt.
As a welcome they were given a magnum bottle of Cristal, but the trio refused it due to previous controversial comments made by the firm’s boss.
The Amika owner soon swapped the Cristal for some complimentary Dom Perignon – before the DJ hit on an ingenious plan to boost the club’s profits.
Kelly’s friend revealed: “Jarren C decided to make Kelly’s new single Daylight, Nelly's Hot In Here and Usher's Love In This Club the champagne songs - so each time someone spent £5k or over on champers they were played.
“They wanted to keep hearing their singles so kept ordering more and more drinks. They found it hilarious.
Humph if I had to listen to Nelly's "Hot in Here" one more friggin time I think I’ll stick a friggin’ flathead screwdriver through my ear. As for Usher, I've got to cut him a pass because he refuses to comply with the babies for pictures cash scam. (They must be stopped) However, I didn't realize that Kelly was a singer. I thought they just needed her in Destiny's Child for ballast. Source Here


Deflector Shields Up

William Shatner wrote an autobiography just to gloat about the spaced-out hippie chicks he scored one Shatner also reveals he was treated like a rock star and had his pick of groupies. He says: "I grasped a great many of them, but never at warp speed."
I'm sorry Captain. I just don't get it. Repeat last message as I set my recorder to maximum and adjust the ion crystals to eliminate the interference. I repeat, I did not comprehend your last message. Are you talking about sex? That's not fair. I'm a Trekkie dammit. I don't get laid. You can be so mean. I hate you! No! Wait, that's not true. I could never stay mad at the great and wonderful James Tiberius Kirk. Phasers at full power Capt. I'm ready. (I'm gonna get a lot of tribles stuffed in my mailbox, me thinks.) Source Here


Help Support Lilo(For My Sake)

Wonder how Lilo keeps food on the table Don’t. But if you can’t help yourself, she’s started a line of clothes( made by a incredibly talented tailor in Taiwan. His name…NO. 7) So it comes as no surprise that’s she’s gonna try and sucker us dull normals into buying something.
Lohan has been working on her own line of Lycra legwear. The 21-year-old - rumoured to be running low on cash - launched the range by modelling racy thigh-highs.
But that’s not all she’s going hawking. Look out for some other products that Lilo uses everyday, coming to a variety store near you. First up is “Mean Girls Rasberry Rolling Papers.” Flavor your weed just like Lindsay does. And for after the big joint you’ve smoked, theres Lohans Clear Eyes Solution, for those important meetings with movie producers and the men in suits who insure the film. Also coming soon is Lilo’s safeway cocaine pen. Just pour your coke in the handy compartment and screw on the cap. Just stick it up your nose for a toot while no one is the wiser. The pen actually writes too. Cool huh. If these lines of products are successful, expect to see Lindsays Freaky Friday Heroin spoons, Panty alarm, to warn you when you are without them and too drunk to notice (All prices subject to change) Source Here


Like Viagra, Only With Gravy

OMG it must be love for Rihanna and Chris and the Colonel.
Rihanna and Chris Brown publicly declared their love in a KFC with a kiss. The singers had been very quiet about their relationship despite canoodling at public events.
Ah yes, there’s nothing like KFC to get the hormones going. All that greasy, succulent ,skin, mmmm. The thick hot peppery gravy, crispy fries, buns, spicy wings mmmm. The arteries in my boner are hardening
as we speak. Source Here


Pam! Your Tommy Forever Is Dragging

Father time has way of taking the piss out of what is perceived as cool.
"She's not a kid anymore. She doesn't want blurry ink all over her wrinkled arms."
Pammie, who has etchings on her arm and back, has denied she would remove her body art in a bid to appear more responsible.
Yeah when you have to use a clothesline + clothespins to hold up skin to make out your tats, it may be time to put away childish things. Source Here


Bar-B-Q Blues

Imagine grabbing a couple of thick steaks to Bar-B-Q but the grill refuses to light, so you take some fluid to help get her started. Steaks in 10 minutes right ,even if the flames are a bit high, there's nothing to worry about right. Unless you have a complete moron as a friend that's there while you're cooking, which is exactly what happened to a poor German fellow.
A friend standing next to him panicked and dropped the canister containing the petrol, causing it to ignite and spill on to the man's car parked below.
The car went up (in) flames. Two other vehicles were damaged in yesterday evening's blaze, which police said caused no injuries but more than $A50,000 worth of damage.
OOPS! You wouldn't blame the guy if he broke his foot in his friend’s ass would you. ... I didn't think so.
Source Here


5 O’clock Shadow

Spice Girls Geri Halliwell pays the Queen of England a big compliment.
Spice Girl, 35, said: "I'm sure that, like all of us, she's had days where she didn't feel like showing up but she always does. "She has never spazzed out and lost her decorum."
well, there was that one time when Prince Charles presented Camilla Bowles as his lover to her Majesty. She really spazzed out then. She was finally able to gain her composure when she realized that Camilla was just a really ugly woman and not a man. In the Queens defense, Camilla forgot to shave that morning so its easy to see how she could make that mistake. Source Here


That’s all I got folks, now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go hurl.

Doc B. Gone baby gone