No Freaking Way; Debra Winger Lives

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here.

well the cops kept their promise, now all of us are walking around the house bow legged like some extras in a Western. Stupid Bruce and his stupid ideas, I hope he learned his lesson this time, because I'm starting to lose my patience. Anyhow here's the news


but first…

“You can’t keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.”
“Homer Simpson”


A Married Man… What?

Hey folks did you know that Raymond Burr was gay? nope, me a neither.In the new book, "Hiding in Plain Sight: The Secret Life of Raymond Burr", the actor once lectured a reporter during an interview when he was asked why he had not remarried: "I am an unmarried man, as opposed to a single man. A bachelor, according to the dictionary, is a man who has never been married. An unmarried man is not married at the moment. Many of these terms have fallen into disuse."
In fact he was living with some dude named Robert Benevides for almost nearly 35 years, keeping it all on the down low. I can't believe it, not Ironside. I'll never look at a wheelchair the same again.
Source Here


Are You Freakin Kidding Me!

Gee whiz it must be nice to be an actor on the top rated crime procedural show on network TV, how else would you explain this light tap on the knuckles to Gary Dourdan of CSI.
"Once Gary completes 30 hours of a diversion program, his case will be entirely dismissed," lawyer Shawn Chapman Holley told The Associated Press in an e-mail. "There is no jail time involved."
How nice. I bet if that were me, just your regular John Q. public, I bet I'd be counting my cigarettes in the courtyard before lights out, trying to figure out if I have enough smokes to appease my cellmate, Jackhammer Jacoby. 30 hours! 30 freaking hours, a blood I diversion program no less. Sounds pretty light doesn't folks. Oh I know, I know, there's some fans of CSI out there saying, oh its a first-time offense it's only normal in it happens all the time. No it doesn't! I dare you you freaking fans of CSI, I double dare you, go grab a bag of heroin a big batch of cocaine and fill your pockets with some ecstasy, now drink yourself silly park your car in front of the light and now take a nap and wait for cops to arrive. And please feel free to write to me from jail let me know how it's working out for you, you freaking bunch of dumb asses. Source Here


When In France

If you heard a Frenchman yelling are you talking to me, you'd probably think it was a waiter. Well he probably be right about that too, but the most probable right answer would be that Robert DeNiro is somewhere in your general vicinity.
When he ascended the red-carpeted steps at the Cannes closing night ceremony at the Palais Theater, thousands of French fans stood outside screaming, "Bobbee! Bobbee!" and, "Are you talkin' to me?"
However DeNiro ignored one Frenchman much to his disdain, he was overheard saying in what iz hiz probleme how very rude, he iz soo stuck up and obnoxious, if I wanted to be treated theese way I would go to one of our cafés mon dieu. Source Here


Debra Winger Lives!

Debra Winger is writing her memoirs, (She Not Dead?!) and in it she talks about Jack Nicholson's horn dog behavior. Devereaux was in Germany with Jack to promote the film terms of endearment, Deborah being Jewish felt a little uneasy being in the land of goose-stepping and Wienerschnitzel's. Jack in his own special way tried to make her feel comfortable. He finally told me to stop, that these paranoid fantasies had little to do with modern Germany and that I should relax and enjoy the trip - perhaps join him on his search for the perfect brothel."
Well I can tell you you won't find the perfect brothel in Germany, even their sex is a little too rigid and practiced. No Jack Buddy I can tell you without a doubt the best brothel in the world is in Montréal, a little place not far from Peel Street. I only visited there once but it was the best time I ever had, it was three days before I could see again. Source Here


For Peete’s Sake

Actress Amanda Peet who can be seen in the upcoming new X-Files movie reveals a little bit about her husband before she married him "David used to have an outdoor stereo by the pool at his bachelor pad. I'm sure he lured many women there, but I was the last one." That's what you think, I spent many a night dancing on his big speakers near the pool. Oh we were young men, full of beans and piss and vinegar. His hair was long and he had such a cool accent, and those eyes, blue like the Caribbean Ocean.Ahhh… good times. And I'll give you a little tip Amanda, David likes to be tickled right in the crack of his ass. It drove him wild, give it a try. Source Here

Rotten Apples

Oh boy, you know you've hit a major bump in the road when Johnny rotten of all people, sympathizes with you. It seems Johnny boy would like to do a song with Britney Spears, he said "She has been hurt. And hurt is the root core essence of good music. I haven't written a song for Britney yet but I would love to. I'd like to help out because there's a girl who needs some help”. "When Johnny freaking rotten thinks you need help, then I think Britney you've raised the bar for all who follow to strive for. Come to think of it a duet with Johnny and Britney would be awesome, together the two of them would manage the rare accomplishment of zero airplay on any format. But God it be great to see what they'd wear. Source Here

America, Love It or Leave It

Jessica Lange decided to really speak her mind at some small college that she was addressing, mostly about what she sees wrong with America "We are living in an America that, in the last seven and a half years, has waged an unnecessary war, established prison camps, condoned torture, employed corporate armies, eliminated the right of habeas corpus, practiced extraordinary rendition, and believe me, this is only a partial list." To see the rest of this list folks, get on a plane and fly to China, because that's where Jessica and the rest of her commie friends hang out. Honestly if these celebs feel so strongly about their convictions why don't they run for office. Oh I know why, because it's long hours, the pay sucks, and everyone hates you. Their precious egos would wilt under a pressure. Source Here


Well that's all I got folks I gotta go trim Bruce's nails. Close, real close, down to the skin kind of close.

Doc. B. gone baby, gone.

Sculptures And Cavity Searches

Heidi Ho folks, Doc B. here

Well finally that flu I got seems to be slowly going away, the only problem is the last few days have left my rectum feeling mighty raw. So I have no choice but to stand while typing this, which leaves me the target of Bruce’s lame sense of humor. He thinks it’s funny to stick little signs on my ass that’s says Warning Toxic Gas, Old Faithful, next eruption at 4 p.m. and his favorite Quarantined. Anyhow I only put up with it because he picked up the bathroom for me after I promised him I would set him up with the bitch next-door. Anyhow enough about my tender, swollen anus, here’s the news

But first…


“Only the shallow know themselves”
“Oscar Wilde”


Attn: readers, today’s blog is Britney free and Lilo absent, so all you haters out there, enjoy.


Bronze Goddess

Well this is more like it, after the public embarrassment of a cooked up story, and then being charged for this phony baloney mess, someone’s finally showing Naomi Campbell a little bit of love. Yes the ebony goddess is going to be immortalized in “a series of larger than life sculptures. Photographer Nick Knight is creating three sculptures which will stand more than 9 m.” 9m high - that’s perfect, this way Naomi can look down on all the jealous little people who make her life miserable. Now and forever will they be able to stand in awe of the Omni-present power and beauty that is Naomi. This Knight fellow seems like a pretty smart guy; here he reveals his motivation behind the sculptures. He believed she deserved a sculpture to remind people she was "one of the most famous and beautiful women in the world".
Amen brother, you’re preaching to the choir. Hmmm… I wonder if any of the sculptures shows her lying down… provocatively. You know what, forget that, let’s move on shall we. Source Here


Now J’ai Un Maux De Tête

Do the names Sarah Dash, Nona Hendryx and Patti Labelle mean anything to you? Well if they do, you probably remember big hair, freaky space alien spacesuits, and high heel boots that Japanese cars can drive under. Of course I’m talking about 70’s trio Labelle, who are supposedly reuniting in the music studio. They're working with Lenny Kravitz and some other biggies to bring their tight, soulful harmonies and flashy style up to date.
Of course they sang the original version of Lady Marmalade, but somehow I don’t see Patti squeezing into the same costume she wore in the 70s. I think now she needs to shop at big and tall. Source Here


More Chicken Of The Sea For Dallas Fans

Giants fans are elated, and Cowboys fans have just punched their mothers in the face. The on-again, off-again, on-again, off- again romance between Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo appears to be on again. The couple, who reportedly split several weeks ago, spent Memorial Day weekend together in Dallas.
Simpson and her Dallas Cowboys quarterback beau had a Saturday night date at N9Ne steakhouse with two pals, according to the Dallas Morning News. She munched on a burger; he had the steak. All that red meat apparently set the mood - the on-again couple engaged in a lil' PDA on their way out of the restaurant, and hit up another restaurant the next day for brunch. Come on Cowboy fans, cheer up. So what if your football season is screwed, you can always watch hockey, you have a team remember.
Source Here


They Walk Among Us

Is there such a thing as the blacklist in Hollywood? Drea DeManteo believes there is. "She was saying 'Joey' completely ruined her career," said our spy. "She called it horrible and said she hasn't been able to really work since then. She said she's really been out of the business and is trying to get back in.
Hmmm…she can’t be trying that hard, last time I looked the casting couch policy was still in effect. However, I haven’t seen anyone from the cast of Joey lately. I’ve heard about to big incinerator behind the lot of NBC but I didn’t think they actually still used it. I hear that’s where a fried the Golden girls, shhh, keep that a secret though, the Bea Arthur you see in public isn’t real, she’s an android. Back in the Must-See TV days, they made androids of all the stars, just in case, you know what I mean. Source Here


The Return?

Ahhh… Madonna’s marriage might be on the rocks, boo-freaking-hoo. The coldhearted bitch and her drunk has been husband apparently hardly speak anymore. And now, word comes that Madge is tired of Britain and is looking forward to being back in the US. Friends say the couple have been living virtually separate lives since the start of the year and have even divided their homes into his and hers quarters so they can avoid each other. There are indications that Madonna is now planning to live in New York.
She has owned a 2000sq m apartment overlooking Central Park – complete with gymnasium and beauty salon – for 20 years and is enlarging it to accommodate her children and staff.
She has recently bought an adjoining apartment in her maiden name.
One source told the Daily Mail: "Madonna is miserable and has lost her desire to live full-time in the UK."
Damm, they should have come up with some kind of law when she was in Britain to keep her out, now like locusts she’s come back to invade and to nest. Well, maybe I’m overstating things, but she is a flake.
Source Here


Indiana Jones Review

I’ve seen some the comments on the blogs, and now I’m going to put my two cents in. The new Indiana Jones movie is… extremely disappointing. There is virtually no resemblance to the cliffhanger moments of the previous films. Harrison Ford sleepwalks through his role, and Karen Allen looks like she’s had plastic surgery to engrave a permanent smile. That, or she’s stoned. And smile she does, through the light moments of the movie, and the supposedly dark moments. And that’s what the movie lacked, drama. The script just didn’t seem finished, or worse, rushed. Quite frankly, the script and dialogue was pretty bad, perhaps this has something to do with the writers’ strike but all the talk of waiting for the right script seems like a bunch of bullshit. And what happened to all the exotic locales, it seems like they didn’t feel like leaving their backyard to film this. And if this was a setup for Shia Labeouf to take over the series they certainly didn’t give him much to do, as a matter of fact his performance was as muted as everyone else’s. I like everyone involved with the movie, but unfortunately I did not like the movie. Do yourself a favor and go see Harold and Kumar instead.


Well that’s all I got folks I gotta go now, Bruce is taking this joke a little too far, now he’s outside in a hazmat suit, putting police tape on my front door! Awww, not again. The cops said they perform a cavity search if they had to come back here one more time. Ooh, that dog is just begging for a time-out.

Doc B. Gone baby gone

Planning A Holiday, Try American Idol Wasteland

Heidi Ho folks, Doc B. here

Well, it’s official, I have the flu. Now my bathroom looks like the killing fields in Cambodia, and smells almost as bad. What’s that Bruce? That’s not funny? I beg to differ, used in the proper context it’s damn funny. And what the hell do you know, you’re a freaking dog, so just continue to smell your ass and leave me alone. I’m sorry folks, but when I’m sick, I get a little cranky. Anyhow here’s the news.

But first…


“If one man says to thee, ''Thou art a donkey',' pay no heed. If two speak thus, purchase a saddle.”
“ The Talmud”


Celebs Screwing Up Their Kids, As Usual

Joel Madden of good Charlotte was up in the Hamptons D.J.ing on the weekend. Nice work if you can get it. Anyhow it seems like he didn’t stay long being a new dad and all, this is what he told people, "The Hamptons are definitely a good place to hang out for the whole summer," he told PEOPLE. "But I'm a dad now. I'd be staying if I didn't have the girls at home. That's why I'm going home."
Hmmm… yeah I’d hang out at the Hamptons all the time too, cause you know I have bills to pay you know, and a job. But whatever. Joel also mentions some in the music daddy’s kid likes to listen to, as if we really care.
What, you want to know? Alright, alright here it is. She's a Cure fan ... She likes The Cure."
Oh god, so I guess she stays in her corner of the crib, wearing her drab black diapers, and drawing cryptic symbols on her hands. And how is she ever going to learn to walk wearing army boots, she’s liable to break her neck. I tell you these freaking parents these days, and then they wonder why their kid moves from Disney films, to underground films, to gay porn, heroin addiction, grand larceny, armed robbery, and eventually, and ultimately a tell-all hardcover. Well they only have themselves to blame, just because they thought it was cute to play The Cure while the kid was sleeping in its crib. Well it won’t be cute in 15 years when she’s on the cover of the National Enquirer kissing her ex-con girlfriend. But you know what folks, I’ve been wrong before. Source Here


BON JOVI = PUSSY’S?

I noticed this interview with Richie Sambora, not that much of interest, but I did take notice few things.
(Bon Jovi) They have a private jet and chef, stay in fancy hotels and have top of the range clobber – however their dressing room requests are pretty low maintenance.
David joked: “We’re the same as when we started out – just a little more expensive and a little older.”
Richie added: “We don’t need meditation tents or anything like that. Just give me a room and I’m there.”
that’s right Richie all you need is a room in cases Scotch in the car to drive and after. Just kidding.
So I guess it’s a little disappointing to find out they’re not like Van Halen demanding certain colors of Smarties being removed. Or was it M&Ms, ah screw it, I can never remember. Anyhow they went on Other necessities on the road include Halls soothers, hairdryers, herbal tea and Jon’s Frank Sinatra poster.
herbal tea, Hall’s, hairdryers. Are these guys a rock band or the cast members of Rent. I hope they put that picture of Frank facing the wall so he can’t see these pussy’s. Do you think Frank needed freaking herbal tea, or some cough drops, no freaking way. All Frank needed was some libation, some loose women, and a freaking pack of cigarettes. But I digress.
Richie also made mention of Steve Tyler’s recent slippage. “I don’t think I’m the best person to give Steve advice,” he quipped. “Steve is a big boy and he’s been through that drill quite a few times.
“I knew that he was having some problems and was on pain medication so I’m guessing he went in for that. Good luck to him.”
But secretly in the back of his mind Richie was thinking; Why couldn’t this dumb bastard drive his Hummer through the big window of the McDonald’s on Rodeo Drive so people would have another mug shot to stare at on TMZ. Yup I bet that’s what he was thinking. And apparently they’re looking forward to doing things that regular folks to like us, as dumb poor bastards who don’t play in front of 70,000 people, in stadiums. “We’ve been on the road for seven months now and I’m looking forward to doing normal things like changing light bulbs.”Yep that’s all I do all day, change light bulbs, and sometimes I even cook stuff, but only if the instructions on the box are clear.
but now, and I’ve been saving this for a last, the really scary part. The boys added that they hope they can match the ROLLING STONES for longevity. Jesus Christ I hope not! Somebody better get Richie good and loaded and behind the wheel of a car again, there must be some way of preventing this.
Source Here


Hey, I Only Gave Him Two Beers

It seems one of the donkeys I interviewed got into a little bit of trouble after it left my place.
Blacky was jailed for biting and kicking two men near a ranch. Oh my, not Blacky he had the most talent.
Officials freed the donkey after its owner paid a fine of $A38 and the $A120 hospital bill of the men, who suffered bites to the chest and a broken ankle. Authorities say he also must pay $A500 to each man for missed work days. Man, $1158.00, you know how many stag parties he’s gonna have to work, he’ll be working well into his old age, poor bastard. Source Here


Planning A Holiday, Try American Idol Wasteland

So you appeared on American Idol, what are you going to do with your newfound fame? Ruben Studdard is getting into the nightlife business with plans to open a restaurant/club in his hometown of Birmingham, Alabama. The as-yet-unnamed spot will serve up "Southern food with a twist," Studdard told EW.com, you want to know what the twist is, it’s the price of the freaking bill at the end of the meal. Studdard reveals that another Idol winner is setting up shop nearby: "Taylor Hicks is opening a bar around the corner from me, so it's gonna be big." Now all the neighborhood needs is fellow Alabama native Bo Bice to join in and Birmingham could become the country's prime Idol destination. Hmmm… a restaurant, a bar, what’s missing in this picture. Ooh, ooh, I know, a brothel! Yeah, I’m sure this will work. But who’s going to be turning tricks? Hey I know, I hear Nikki McKibbin and Melissa McGhee, aren’t doing much. So maybe they’ll be interested. Maybe they can even get Clay Aiken, but I hear one night with Clay is a hefty price tag. But they say he’s worth it. Personally, and I don’t know why? But Clay has always reminded me of the gimp in “Pulp Fiction”. Maybe I just want to see Bruce Willis punch him in the head. Yeah, I think that’s what it is. Source Here


Well that’s all I got folks, I gotta go see if I can find a contractor who works nights, because there is no f$@&ing way I’m cleaning up that f$@&ing bathroom. and may all your bowel movements be of the non-juicy kind.

Doc B. gone baby gone