CHRIS AND RIHANNA: FINGER LICKING GOOD, LILO’S HARD UP FOR CASH

Heidi Ho folks

I’ve been feeling weak all day, like I’m coming down with something. And all Bruce is doing is making me feel paranoid about it. He thinks Bubbles has somehow poisoned me. I googled poisoned , and the symptoms are pretty similar. Then again it could be the sushi that was in the fridge. It’s only been there since …F@#k !


But first…

“I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are”
“Groucho Marx”


Flat Head Or Star?

Kelly Rowland is thinking of moving to Britain. You remember her, she was in Destiny's Child. Remember? No. She's the one who got a boob job so her clothes would fit better. ... Ahh... now you get it. Anyhow she and her pals Nelly and Usher were partying at Amika's ,enjoying the British hospitality, no doubt.
As a welcome they were given a magnum bottle of Cristal, but the trio refused it due to previous controversial comments made by the firm’s boss.
The Amika owner soon swapped the Cristal for some complimentary Dom Perignon – before the DJ hit on an ingenious plan to boost the club’s profits.
Kelly’s friend revealed: “Jarren C decided to make Kelly’s new single Daylight, Nelly's Hot In Here and Usher's Love In This Club the champagne songs - so each time someone spent £5k or over on champers they were played.
“They wanted to keep hearing their singles so kept ordering more and more drinks. They found it hilarious.
Humph if I had to listen to Nelly's "Hot in Here" one more friggin time I think I’ll stick a friggin’ flathead screwdriver through my ear. As for Usher, I've got to cut him a pass because he refuses to comply with the babies for pictures cash scam. (They must be stopped) However, I didn't realize that Kelly was a singer. I thought they just needed her in Destiny's Child for ballast. Source Here


Deflector Shields Up

William Shatner wrote an autobiography just to gloat about the spaced-out hippie chicks he scored one Shatner also reveals he was treated like a rock star and had his pick of groupies. He says: "I grasped a great many of them, but never at warp speed."
I'm sorry Captain. I just don't get it. Repeat last message as I set my recorder to maximum and adjust the ion crystals to eliminate the interference. I repeat, I did not comprehend your last message. Are you talking about sex? That's not fair. I'm a Trekkie dammit. I don't get laid. You can be so mean. I hate you! No! Wait, that's not true. I could never stay mad at the great and wonderful James Tiberius Kirk. Phasers at full power Capt. I'm ready. (I'm gonna get a lot of tribles stuffed in my mailbox, me thinks.) Source Here


Help Support Lilo(For My Sake)

Wonder how Lilo keeps food on the table Don’t. But if you can’t help yourself, she’s started a line of clothes( made by a incredibly talented tailor in Taiwan. His name…NO. 7) So it comes as no surprise that’s she’s gonna try and sucker us dull normals into buying something.
Lohan has been working on her own line of Lycra legwear. The 21-year-old - rumoured to be running low on cash - launched the range by modelling racy thigh-highs.
But that’s not all she’s going hawking. Look out for some other products that Lilo uses everyday, coming to a variety store near you. First up is “Mean Girls Rasberry Rolling Papers.” Flavor your weed just like Lindsay does. And for after the big joint you’ve smoked, theres Lohans Clear Eyes Solution, for those important meetings with movie producers and the men in suits who insure the film. Also coming soon is Lilo’s safeway cocaine pen. Just pour your coke in the handy compartment and screw on the cap. Just stick it up your nose for a toot while no one is the wiser. The pen actually writes too. Cool huh. If these lines of products are successful, expect to see Lindsays Freaky Friday Heroin spoons, Panty alarm, to warn you when you are without them and too drunk to notice (All prices subject to change) Source Here


Like Viagra, Only With Gravy

OMG it must be love for Rihanna and Chris and the Colonel.
Rihanna and Chris Brown publicly declared their love in a KFC with a kiss. The singers had been very quiet about their relationship despite canoodling at public events.
Ah yes, there’s nothing like KFC to get the hormones going. All that greasy, succulent ,skin, mmmm. The thick hot peppery gravy, crispy fries, buns, spicy wings mmmm. The arteries in my boner are hardening
as we speak. Source Here


Pam! Your Tommy Forever Is Dragging

Father time has way of taking the piss out of what is perceived as cool.
"She's not a kid anymore. She doesn't want blurry ink all over her wrinkled arms."
Pammie, who has etchings on her arm and back, has denied she would remove her body art in a bid to appear more responsible.
Yeah when you have to use a clothesline + clothespins to hold up skin to make out your tats, it may be time to put away childish things. Source Here


Bar-B-Q Blues

Imagine grabbing a couple of thick steaks to Bar-B-Q but the grill refuses to light, so you take some fluid to help get her started. Steaks in 10 minutes right ,even if the flames are a bit high, there's nothing to worry about right. Unless you have a complete moron as a friend that's there while you're cooking, which is exactly what happened to a poor German fellow.
A friend standing next to him panicked and dropped the canister containing the petrol, causing it to ignite and spill on to the man's car parked below.
The car went up (in) flames. Two other vehicles were damaged in yesterday evening's blaze, which police said caused no injuries but more than $A50,000 worth of damage.
OOPS! You wouldn't blame the guy if he broke his foot in his friend’s ass would you. ... I didn't think so.
Source Here


5 O’clock Shadow

Spice Girls Geri Halliwell pays the Queen of England a big compliment.
Spice Girl, 35, said: "I'm sure that, like all of us, she's had days where she didn't feel like showing up but she always does. "She has never spazzed out and lost her decorum."
well, there was that one time when Prince Charles presented Camilla Bowles as his lover to her Majesty. She really spazzed out then. She was finally able to gain her composure when she realized that Camilla was just a really ugly woman and not a man. In the Queens defense, Camilla forgot to shave that morning so its easy to see how she could make that mistake. Source Here


That’s all I got folks, now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go hurl.

Doc B. Gone baby gone

Bubbahumped / Jennifer Love Hewitt Says Skinny Is Ugly

Someone sent a strippers to my boss house on Mother’s Day. A male stripper. His wife’s leaving him. His mother is in stable condition. He thinks I sent the stripper. But it wasn’t me. It was Bubbles Dammit. Heres the f@&$ing news.


But first…

“Alright brain… It’s all up to you”
“Character: Homer Simpson”


Jennifer Love Hewitt Says Skinny Is Ugly

Jennifer Love Hewitt picked up the torch from a Misha Barton's flailing hands.
“I think it’s great,” Hewitt, who has also been subject to magazine and blog criticism for her bikini body, told Access of Barton’s stand.
That's right girl, you tell em.
“I think it’s OK for them to take pictures and everything and I think it’s OK for us to defend ourselves and speak out against it. I think it’s really brave and really cool and that’s what makes us people.”
OK,... just a minute. You lost me there. What are we speaking out against again? Which part makes me cool and brave? Taking pictures?! I'm confused. Anyhow, you may remember that Jennifer went after the paparazzi when she was photographed in Hawaii, looking a little less then Photoshop perfect.
“To set the record straight, I’m not upset for me, but for all of the girls out there that are struggling with their body image."
I'm back on board baby. Don't stop now you're on a roll.
“A size 2 is not fat,” she continued. “Nor will it ever be. And being a size 0 doesn’t make you beautiful.”
OK,... you lost me again. I sorta agree that a size 2 is not completely, no... gigantically, no... humongously, no...super hmmm... (!) exactly fat, but how can you say a size 0 doesn't make you beautiful? I'm not seeing it. It's almost like you're saying a size 0 is ugly, and that's just crazy talk, hmmm... you've got issues Hewitt. You should worry about your own ass and stop picking on other people. It's juvenile. Source Here


Rabbit Stew

I've never watched a cable show "Sex and the City" (although I've googled some image of Kim Cattrall from the show... for research I was doing. No, really!) Anyhow I noticed this article at the sun.co.uk
£30 adult toy, named after the show's heart-throb Mr Big, is being released to celebrate the 10th anniversary of the Rabbit’s appearance in the programme.
Color me dumb but, what's the rabbit anyways? Fine, sit there and giggled. I'll Google it while you read this next line.
Bosses at LoveHoney are giving anyone who sees the film the chance to buy one for half price.
Head buyer Bonny Hall said: “Part of the Rabbit's success is due to it being featured in an early episode of the show.
There, I'm on the site now... Oh my. It's a ... Oh my. Hmmm.... I wonder if that's why the girls at the café were laughing. Long story short. A friend gave me a bunny rabbit that was ill. I nursed it back to hell and it became attached to me. Anyhow when the bunny rabbit was in my arms, it's purring was so deep that my thighs vibrated from the soft rumble of the tranquil bunny. It may me feel special that I was able to help nurse another living creature to good spirits. Anyhow, at the café I made a passing reference to the rabbit to the girls at the counter. I think I said something to the effect that my rabbit makes me feel special when it vibrates on my lap and I feel it's rumble all the way down in my thighs. It's an extremely satisfying feeling, I remember telling them… Oh! Oh my! People think the ugliest thoughts sometimes. Honestly! Let's move on! Source Here


My Hero

Somewhere, in the chatrooms on the net, a million geeks just passed out as all the blood just rushed to a very excited “member”.
Heroes beauty Hayden Panettiere has claimed she would happily bed Angelina Jolie
Hayden Panettiere addresses rumours about entering the “Lezzie hood”
She said: “That’s fine with me. If I’m going to be linked with someone, I could do an affair with Angelina Jolie, Jessica Alba or Charlize Theron.
“And Kate Beckinsale is gorgeous. There are so many beautiful girls.”
I like this girl. She sets her sights high. Grrr… go get’em tiger. Source Here


And Then The Pencil Pierced The Eardrum

Shoot me now!
Bee Gee Robin Gibb has confirmed that a new musical based on his band's songs could be debuted on London's West End within the next year and a half.
My god people, they must be stopped! have we forgotten the massacher that was “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart Club Band” that the Bee Gees did. I haven’t Every night I wake up screaming, covered in sweat. It was (whimper) horrible! Source Here


It Takes 4 AAA

It seem Lindsay Lohan got into a big tiff which left Lilo sobbing at the bar. You know folks, I feel a little sorry for Lindsay right now. I know what’ll cheer her up. I’m gonna send her the new Rabbit 2.0. It’s a girls best friend (so I hear) Source Here


Man Of The Year: My Foot

Robin Williams, out of rehab was spotted at an LA jewelry store, picking up some helpful reminders
buying himself a symbolic pendant meaning "Fearlessness" and a beaded "Wisdom" bracelet . . .
Hmmm… he could have used that wisdom bracelet before he made R.V. timings everything.
Source Here


Bubbahumped

Playboy has coined a new phrase.
To Spitzer: To request 'bare back' sex [no condom] from a call girl, as in "I Spit zered her.
hmmm… it’d be nice to come up with my own popular term.
Hmmm… Bubbahump,… Bubbahump… Bubbahumped. Nothings springing to mind.
Source Here


Hurricane Heather Blows Out Of Paul’s Life

Hey, (sniff… sniff) you smell that? you can’t smell that? I sure do. Some one’s puffing a big fat splif, and I know who it is. Sir Paul McCartney’s marriage to that slutty gold-digger Hurricane Heather formally ended today. I can’t help but point out that inhaling smoke is extremely harmful to your body Sir Paul. However, I can sympathize so I guess if a former Beatle wants to get fried and suppress the horrifying memories of the past 6 years it would be all right this one time (Hey, what are you going to do? The man wrote “Live and Let Die”, hes earned it Dammit) Source Here


Peas Of A Pod

Brits little sister Jamie Lynn confided to someone what happened at her baby shower in Louisiana
She said: "It was wonderful to be able to spend time with (Britney) and just be girls again.
I’m confused. What were they being prior to this meeting… Oh yeah, preggars! Anyhow she continued.
We painted our nails and did stupid stuff.
Like going “Commando” to the hardware store and getting pregnant. Oh yeah, been there, done that. There was more, and we had our private time too.
Hmmm… guess she means breaking down and weeping in a corner.
To be able to be in the privacy of our own home and just be sisters again was wonderful."
Until she pops out a baby and garners all the attention of her parents leaving Britney alone and frightened again, until she goes on another midnight shopping spree/hit and run excursion. What?!? I’m simply reading between the lines folks. Source Here


Madonna’s Ass Is Made Of Coper

“Diva Extraordinaire” Madonna made a whole bunch of new friends at a festival in England. The “Like a Virgin” (cough) singer held her breath until she was blue to force festival organizers to fly her by helicopter from her home to the show. A big whopping 37 miles! (How very “green” of her) Her Royal Bitch showed up with a posse of at least 70 people, and was late to boot. Screwing up everyone else’s rehearsal times to accommodate the “Material Girl” (No Shit!) Some of her other demands were also met special Kabbalah water shipped in and demanded bouquets of white roses which remained unopened. While she only ate fresh fruit, the same can't be said of her friends. "They arrived early and wolfed down free food and booze reserved for the artists.
Hmmm… bet she counts every penny twice and stuffs them up her ass for safe keeping too!
On a less extravagant note, Madge dished out goody bags containing... a lollipop, a T-shirt, a badge and sweets.
Yup I told you. Madonna bent I told you. Madonna bent over and farted out some cheap trinkets and candy. No wonder her ass looks rock hard, it’s made of copper. Cheap bitch. Source Here

I gotta go, I gotta bring some flowers to the boss’ mom. Hopefully the fits of urination have stopped.

Doc. B. Gone baby, gone.

LOHAN FAMILY THERAPY/BUSH'S UGLY KID?

Heidi Ho folks Doc B. here.

Have you ever been awaken in the middle of the night because all the trees on your lawn are on fire. No? Lucky you. It happened to me last night. The fireman said it might be the work of an arsonist. To which I replied, "no shit"! How else do 8 trees suddenly catch far your all at once. This has to be the work of Bubbles, but they checked and she was at work last night, waxing the stage with her ass. She must have an accomplice. But who?... hey, where' s Luis gone lately... Nah. Here's the news.

But first...

"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers."
"Richard Pryor"


SONGS FOR TO BEAUTIFULLY IMPAIRED

The Prez's kid got hitched yesterday. It was all very private and low key, (guess you don't want the public who's worrying about the economy, the war, and the f$&$ing price of gas to see the decadent extravagance) held at Bush's ranch near Crawford or, Texas.
The president and the bride picked "You Are So Beautiful" for their father-daughter dance,
hmmm... "you are so beautiful, to me, can't you see?" Hmmm... I always thought this was a song for ugly chicks, you know, because of the "to me" part Isn't it about a plain Jane who's blind? No, my bad. Let's move on. Source Here


SPICE GIRL DREAMS

Spice Girls Geri Halliwell talks about her brat... er kid.
The single parent insists she will stand by her daughter Bluebell Madonna, who turns two on May 14, no matter what choices she makes in life.
She told British radio station Magic FM: “If she turns out to be a goth lesbian who works in dental surgery then that’s OK.”
Hmmm... but what if she's only turns out to be an emo bisexual who becomes a professional dog walker, or a member of a polygamist cult who cuts hair for a living. What if she's just some dull normal who answers the phone at a car dealership, what then, what if she doesn't turn out to be some hot lezzie dental technician straight out of a teenage boys horny adolescent fantasy. What then I ask you! What then! Whew, I need to cut back on the caffeine. I'm sure with good parenting and guidance, Geri’s you will turned out just like moms envision's. God help us. Source Here



MATCHING COLLARS

Paris Hilton has finally settled down... don't snicker, it's rude. She says she's become quite the "housewife" material.
“I love to cook for Benji, I cook great lasagne.”
Great lasagna, just great. Once you peel away the Burnt cardboard box and melted plastic cover wrap, it tastes great... well, edible, in a been on a desert island for 60 days type edible. She's so in love she's already talking about having some kids.
Nicole is our first friend to have a baby. Seeing her daughter Harlow, it really makes me want one. I've always wanted to have a baby."
OMG, just think of the possibilities. You can dye the babies hair to match your eyes, or your lipstick, or purse. There totally the hot new accessory you got to have. Everyone's doing it, Nicole, Ashley, Beyoncé. C'mon Paris, you're supposed to lead the change for new fads and mindless trends. Don't miss the boat, hurry and be like all the other cool kids and start a family. If nine months is too long you can always adopt, just like Madonna and Brangelina. Hurry, the window is closing fast. Source Here


IT TAKES A DOG...

Ashton Kutcher's life has gone completely to the dogs.
“I pee with the dogs. They’re marking their territory and I’m marking mine.” “Demi’s not happy about it but I’ve 13 women in my house sometimes — my wife, housekeepers, cook, nanny, my assistant and three daughters. “Everyone in my life is a woman — so I have to mark my territory.”
that's right Punked boy, the inside of the house is for ladies, your place is out back where the dogs shit! Don't you all feel better now folks, I know I do. Source Here


LAW & ORDER, SOMEWHAT

I always liked show from the 80's, Crime Story. So I was a little surprised when I saw this bit of news.
Farina was busted at LAX this morning after airport security saw he was carrying a loaded .22 caliber pistol in his briefcase at a security checkpoint.
Geez, you guys the ex cop, you'd think he'd know better. I guess old habits die hard. He should get a hobby, or a newborn. I hear they’re "in". Source Here


WHITESTREAK TO OPEN FOR LED ZEPPELIN

David Coverdale, singer of some band called Whitestreak says Led Zep's going to reunite for one last time. Huh, what's that... oh, Whitesnake. My bad. Anyhow, this is what he says.
"I'm expecting a call from Jimmy any day asking my band Whitesnake to support them on their world tour. Am I on board? You bet. Probably worth billions!
That's right David, you stay by the phone waiting on Jimmy. I'm sure Dane want to tour with a band of "never was" whose only claim to fame was having the crazy ex-wife of a baseball player wiggle around the on the hood of your car in that video. Oh and exposed her nipples too. Thanks for that by the way. Rock on Dave, and I hope you and the rest of whitestreak make some money. Source Here


THERAPY DAYS FOR THE LOHANS

Lilo's dad speaks out about Dina's "Top Mother" accolade. He was a little perturbed.
“Look at her off-screen antics, her lack of morals and how she conducts herself. I guess they forgot to mention how this top super-mom leaves her kids alone at night and even parties in their presence.
Don't hold back Michael. Tell us how you really feel. Let's explore.
Michael claimed the honoree recently came “stumbling out of Butter at 3:15 a.m. with bloodshot eyes and a red runny nose, yelling ‘Oh, (bleep),’ when she saw the paparazzi.”
there that's it. Release this negative energy, it's not healthy. Feel better.
He also told Page Six that Dina skipped a family therapy session just to pick up her top mom award, which he dubbed “a joke.”
(sigh)... no wonder Dina got a restraining order. I sense a lot of anger and jealousy. He should get a hobby, or a kid, I hear there "in". Oh yeah, forgot. He has kids. Hey, how'd they turned out? Oh well, never mind. Source Here


WHORE TODAY PARIAH TOMORROW

Speaking of the brats. Looks like Lilo's not going to be making that movie "The Manson Girls" after all. She had to be dropped from the indie flick because none of the other actors want it to work with her. Boy, you know you've become a pariah when a low budget film that hopes to get noticed drops you because of the King Kong sized baggage that follows you wherever you go. The writings on the wall kid, the other boys and girls don't want to hang with you. You've officially become the loner who eats lunch at a table all alone. Source Here


BON JOVI KNOWS CRAP WHEN HE HEARS IT

It seems Jon Bon Jovi is selective about the music he listens to.
" Bon Jovi told Philadelphia Style magazine that if one album makes him wince, it's "Fahrenheit," adding, "My whole second album I try to avoid."
I agree, but my dislike isn't limited to just that album. I'd also include "Slippery When Wet", "Crush", "New Jersey", "Keep the Faith", "These Days", "Bounce", "Have a Nice Day", "Lost Highway". Hmmm... come to think of it. I don't listen to any of this crap. But I did like that song he sang... called... nope, my mistake, it is all crap. Oh well, let's move on. Source Here


VEGETABLES OR FRUIT?

David Archuleta's meddling dad has been booted from backstage. Apparently he was really getting on some peoples nerves.
Despite a warning, Jeff Archuleta insisted on altering "Stand by Me," one of two songs his son sang on the show Tuesday. By adding a verse from Sean Kingston's "Beautiful Girls," the father incurred additional costs for "American Idol," the person said.
Might be a good thing for David. I'm sure the kid doesn't want to come off on TV like a castrated geek without a clue, which is the impression I certainly gotten. Three times I've fallen asleep while David Croons. Once while I was driving. The kids completely in a vegetative state. A wet rag is more seductive than this twerp. Someone needs to get him completely hammered, hooked up with a real hot Mamer-Jammer (or some reasonable facsimile) to deflower the hapless sap. Then maybe he'll wake up out of his coma and perform like he has some sort of clue what boobies and of vagina can do. (Not that I condone any of the suggestions put forward) Hey David, wake up. The old man's out of the picture. Time to shake it up, live a little. Whaddya say? (Pause) you're hopeless. Source Here


Well that's all I got folks, I gotta go now. Bruce has tracked down Luis' signal from the tracking device in his tail implant. (Long story) he's somewhere in the house! Where? The basement? That's impossible, the door to the basement has been sealed ever since Nanny Natasha had that freaked ironing accident.: [cue dark, foreboding music] a gotta go in the basement, I've no other choice.

Doc B. Gone baby, gone