Beyoncé + Jay-Z Wedding Wednesday

Ni hao Folks,

Well folks, the mystery disappearance of my fish has been solved. It took some badgering with a squeaky toy, but the dog finally talked. It seems it was the cat who did it, with some unintentional help from my pet chimpanzee. It seems my chimp, Antonio, was drunk. (scotch with ice) He became too inebriated to get off the foyer wall unit and simply relieved himself into the aquarium, causing the water level to rise and my fish Pedro to spill onto the floor. There on the floor, Pedro was at the mercy of my cat, Luis. Luis ate Pedro. There, now we know the truth. What’s that? How come I didn’t see the water on the floor you ask. Because my Dog Bruce licked up the evidence. That, and Pedro’s gold necklace was found in Luis’ litter box. A lot can happen in the little bit of time you’re out of the room to get a manwich. Anyway enough about my sandwich, here’s the news.

But first…

“I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get”
“Rodney Dangerfield”


Beyoncé + Jay-Z Wedding Wednesday

It looks like Beyoncé and Jay-Z are finally ready to tie the knot.
The pair reportedly got the license yesterday morning, which means the earliest they could get hitched is Wednesday. (Link below)

Stay by the phone people, I’ve already got my suit and tie picked out and I’m raring to go. As soon as I get the call to where the wedding’s at I’m ready. Uh… Can someone stop by and pick me up, my cars in the shop…please. I’ve got tic-tac’s.
Source Here


Kill Me Now

Barbara Walters host TV show called “Live to 150” Hmmm… count me out, if Barbra Wawa is still going to be on TV.
Found Here


Britney’s Phat Sis

Jamie Lynn Spears was spotted shopping, wearing a T-shirt that read “Phat-Lady” .Her fiancé better get used to that phrase. Soon she will be a Fat lady.
Source Here


Scots Do it Best

Madonna gave a very revealing interview, in which she said
“I’m sure loads of couples have their BlackBerrys in bed with them”. Of course she’s talking about Angus Blackberry, her young Scottish man-servant. (it’s good to be rich)
Source Here


You Drunk, Me Cheeta

He was the hardest working chimp in showbiz and, like any true Hollywood legend, Cheeta, Johnny Weissmuller’s costar in the Tarzan movies, has completed his autobiography, "Me Cheeta."

At 76, Cheeta, also known as Jiggs, is Guinness Book confirmed as the oldest living chimp

Britain’s Daily Mail got hold of Cheeta's thoughts on fame and his legacy: "I can't deny that I'd like my own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, but I have been turned down for the last three years. I'm not bitter. I've had a rich career. Every day is a blessing."

Cheeta later spills the bean’s on Maureen O’Sullivan, accusing her of calling at all hours of the night, which eventually caused some serious problems with Cheeta’s wife. He also speaks foundly of Johnny Weissmuller, except when Johnny drank cider he would become quite clingy, and overly affectionate pinching Cheetah’s bottom, and hugging juust a little too long. Cheeta also asserts that the chimp that played in “Bedtime For Bonzo” was a terrible heroin addict, and Ronald Reagan wanted nothing to do with him, for fear this association would hinder his political aspirations (If you ask me, I think there’s some embellishment in there)
Source Here


R.I.P. Sophie, R.I.P. Pedro

Winfrey Dedicates Show to Her Late Dog
And I’d like to dedicate this post to my dearly departed fish, Pedro. (Keep your fin up in the sweet, sweet ocean that is the after-life.)
Source Here


Well, that’s the news. Thanks for reading.

I gotta go now, Antonio should be ready to set the trial date for Pedro’s murder. (Antonio got his degree when he was test animal at U.C.L.A. he studied and worked at the time, smoking 2 packs a day in the research study.) Luis will defend himself (never a good idea) And Bruce is already in witness protection. I’ll keep you folks informed.

Ta-Ta Doc. B.

John Cusack Stalked, Bjork’s, Bjack,and the Fish is Gone

Annyong ha shimnikka, Doc. B. here,

I’ve looked everywhere, but I can’t find my fish. He’s nowhere to be found. The cat won’t look at me, my chimp got into the wine and passed out, and the dog’s just not talking, for a change. Anyhoo, not many big stories, but you’se gets what you pay for, I guess. Let’s move on.

But first…


"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar."
Anonymous


No More Happy Feet

So it seems “Fall Out Boy” will not perform in Antarctica after all. The band had intended to lay claim to having played all the 5 continents. Some bad weather caused the cancellation. Yeah right, bad weather, bunch of wimps. The band is leaving legions of penguins extremely disappointed. Cheer up little guys, maybe the Artic Monkeys will drop by. Hey maybe I should call my friend Bjork? I’ll see what I can do.
Source Here


BJork’s, Bjack

Speaking of my friend Bjork, the ever daring singer has a new video online today. “Wanderlust” The video can be viewed at yahoo video. Caution: if you smoke weed before watching this video, you’ll soon have the urge to watch “Dances With Wolves” quickly followed by the urge to eat everything salty in your cupboard.
Source Here


In Hollywood It’s OK To Sleep With Your Secretary

Fred Thompson couldn’t cut it as a real politician, losing to John McCain. Now it would appear he’s headed back into acting. Yeah, that’s a good idea, because Fred acts better than he stumps. As politicians go, Fred is the acting equivalent of say, …. Lorenzo Lamas. Anyway, there’s a lot better parts in Hollywood, than there are in Washington.
Source Here


Kickboxing Is The Future

A woman who has been stalking actor John Cusack, has been arrested by police. I guess the police caught her standing on the roof of her Pontiac, holding a rather large CD player blaring Peter Gabriels “In Your Eyes” over head. Wearing a T-shirt that read “I love Lyodd Dobler” Cusack could almost be heard whispering “I hate that F@#king movie, the damm thing’s 20 yrs old. If they’re such big fans why didn’t they buy thickets to Martian child”
Source Here


Like Hollywood Changes Underware

Now there’s rumours that one of the big TV Networks is considering developing a show starring Britney Spears. I guess the Network bigwigs are as schizophrenic as she is. In Hollywood ,you’re only one disaster away from a stunning comeback.If that makes any sense.
Source Here


Gotta go dust for paw prints on the aquarium, I think a crime has taken place here.

Doc. B. is on the case. Don’t leave town.

ZEPPELIN SAYS SCREW YOU, MOUSETRAP CATCHES DICK

Heidi-Ho folk's,

Doc. B. here I hope everyone is well today. Today I noticed a story about one, incredibly stupid, complete and utter moron, of a man. Just how far would an actor go to shill for a movie. To find out, just continue reading below.


But first...


"Smelling isn't everything" said the Elephant. "Why," said the Bulldog, "if a fellow can't trust his nose, what is he to trust?" "Well, his brains perhaps," she replied mildly.”
C.S. Lewis quotes


Stupid Is As Stupid Does

I think I've found my candidate for Moron of the Year. Check it out.

On September 27, 2006 Caravello appeared on a radio show to promote DVD sales for the 2003 television movie, “Windy City Heat.” In his suit, Caravello asserts he was tricked into putting his penis on a mousetrap, which then unexpectedly closed, causing severe injuries to Caravello.
Source Here
How do you trick someone into this? Did they hide it up Pam Anderson's Px#@y? Not occording to this story. This took place on Adam Carolla's radio show. Also named in the lawsuit were Jimmy Kimmel, Don Barris and Jonny Knoxville of "Jackass" fame. On Carolla's show, Jonny Knoxville offered 10 million if Caravello would put his dick in the trap.
First things first, it's radio so why didn't he just fake it, 2nd thing, why are you whipping out your dick in a room with Knoxville and Carolla, are you just trying to be friendly? 3rd, Jonny Knoxville doesn't have 10 million. And finally 4th, there's never a reason to put your dick in a mousetrap, Never, Ever. I hope the judge throws this lawsuit out of court, then, throws this guy into the mental ward. There, they can do a lobotomy, and if we're fortunate, we can only hope the mousetrap caused just enough damage that this moron can't procreate. God knows there's already too many pinheads on this planet, sheez (Hmm… think I need to switch to de-caf).


This Just In: Jack Klugman's Still Alive

Former "Quincy, Me" star Jack Klugman is suing NBC, claiming they owe him money. He say's " I recently heard that they made $250 million and it's still on TV in Germany" Hmmm…. These Geman's are weird, you can never tell what they'll like. "Quincy Me" was a decent show (and a precursor to show's like "house" and even "CSI".) but can anyone explain David Hasselhoffs musical success in the land of the Wiener Schnitzel. Klugman goes on to say " I don't want their money. I want my money". Hey Jack I can relate, I'm thinking of suing NBC as well, all those hours watching "Suddenly Susan" is precious minutes of my life I'll never get back. Damm those must see TV Thursday's ! Damm them to hell!
Source Here


DAZED AND DISAPOINTED

"Led Zeppelin won't release a comeback concert DVD". Say what, damm, … I had my tie-dye ready, I had my joi… stuff already prepared, I upgraded my sound system and now Jimmy Page say's "It was recorded but we didn't go in with the express purpose of making a DVD to come out at Christmas, or whatever." Bastard, how could he do this. This guy must really kneel at the altar of Satan like the rumours say. They could make a fortune with this concert tape. If they're not Devil Worshippers, they are clearly something else if they don't want to rake in millions of dollars. Cleary, they must be communists.
Source Here :


Well I gotta to find my cat, cause the fish is not is his tank…

Doc. B. gone