Lesbians dig accents, Lilo turns down the bunny ears. Tonight on the Hump!

Heidi Ho folks, Doc B here
Well , that was a close one. Were it not for my faithful pets, I would not be living on God’s green earth right now. They saved my life,...again. I’ll elaborate in an upcoming post, but now, without further ado, here’s the news.

But first.
“Censors tend to do what only psychotics do: they confuse reality with illusion.”
David Cronenberg.


What do you say to an exposed nipple?

While I was away, the puritan nature of the U.S. censors reared its ugly head again. Actress Eva Mendes had a commercial she shot for Calvin Klein pulled from American airwaves. Whatever could have been so offensive that the censors felt they had to step in?
“Eva revealed: “I was rolling around in bed for the commercial spot and I had a little situation.
“One of my girls (boobs) wanted to say hello... “
Hi, how are you doing? ........There, was that so hard? Being polite. The friendly little nipple only wanted to say Hi. There is absolutely nothing unusual about it. I’m greeted by nipples all day long, everywhere I go. Some say hello, others are just getting a little sun. Some are slightly claustrophobic, while others seem to be giving directions. Still there’s no cause to fear them, or be offended by them. They are benevolent, and they mean us no harm.
Eva went on to explain just how.. her nipple happened to greet the camera.
"Basically, I had a nipple slippage and it made the commercial cut because it was so natural and so beautiful and it was very quick”.
I like this girl. She’s got beautiful nipples and she’s proud of it. So many of today’s young stars suffer from low self esteem caused by nipple- phobic disorder, or L.S.N.P.D., as the shrinks like to call it. Some (i.e. Janet Jackson) feel insecure, or in-adequate about the appearance of their nipples and will self- mutilate themselves by piercing holes in them and attaching gaudy trinkets, or large ornaments to hang off them. Much like a Christmas tree. But I digress. Back to Eva and her friendly nipple. The censors pulled the ad. Even though her nipple had been most genial, and even by Eva’s own admission, beautiful, they still pulled the ad. It all just seems so... un-American, doesn’t it?........Very puzzling.
Eva laments the hypocrisy of it all, "We can show guns everywhere and stuff but we can't show a woman's nipple - that's a bit backwards to me.” ............................Nuff said!
Source here


Lilo Passes Up Honour

With Playboys big anniversary coming up, you’d think they would be after some big name, a big catch to appear in the mag. But no, it would appear the magazine has gone slumming.
'To mark Playboy's 55th anniversary in January, the magazine has approached Lindsay Lohan about doing a nude pictorial, Access Hollywood has confirmed"
. Lilo! Are you kidding me?! Lindsay freakin lesbian Lohan! Talk about setting the bar low huh. I guess they couldn’t get that noted sex siren, Amy Winehouse eh. Memo to Hef; Try selecting someone whose body we haven’t already seen half a dozen times.
Anyhow, this was the reply they received “She’d be happy to do the cover, but no nudity,” Lohan’s rep told Access.
Ouch! Shot down in flames by a used up, never was starlet whose only claim to fame nowadays is her lesbian relationship with a homelier Robert Downey JR lookalike. That’s got to hurt.
Yes indeed, these are hard times for Playboy. When Lilo turns down $ 700 000 to appear in your magazine even though she could really use the scratch, you should come to realize you are no longer relevant.
Hmm... I’m a little bit shocked that Lindsay didn’t jump at the opportunity. Perhaps she has become more selective about her career choices, but I think she was miffed that Playboy didn’t offer her a $ million dollars. So who should Playboy set their sights on next? I’ve got an idea of who they should go after. The lovely Eva Mendes and her friendly nipples, that’s who. Source here



Eureka

It seems Elizabeth Banks , star of Kevin Smith's "Zack and Miri Make a Porno," has a beef with the censors.
Better get in line sister.

She says, “There’s nothing worse in 'Zack and Miri' than there was in 'Saw II,' and that got an R rating . . . If I cut your throat and blood spews all over my face, it's an R. But if we have a lovely time together and you spew something else on my face, it's an NC-17.”
What does she mean by a lovely time? Does she mean going sailing? And what would I be spewing? Champagne? I’m confused. She’s so vague. What lovely situation would I be in where I would be spewing something? And what would I spew? Popcorn? Reese’s pieces? Corn? Sautéed caramel mushrooms? What!!!??? Tell me! Bad f**king language? Hatred? Bodily fluids? Vile.....hey wait a minute. Bodily fluids. That’s it! It’s c#m! I get it! I get it!...............Eewwww! Source here



Headlines that Scream Hilarity

Police say Gary Coleman involved in accident : They let him go after he said, Whatcha talking bout Willis? It’s still comic gold.

Madonna dedicates 'Like a Virgin' to pope : (sigh) Will everyone please tell Madonna that we haven’t (unfortunately) forgotten her, so she can stop trying so hard now.

Jessica Simpson sings at Grand Ole Opry: And this just in: pigs can fly


David Spade fathers Playboy pinup’s baby: She’s 61 years old, but all the gentlemen at Sunny Meadows rest home were trying to land her, so congrats David.

Helen Mirren: I used to ‘love’ cocaine :she sorta still does, but the magic is gone

Oprah in talks to guest star on ‘30 Rock’ : Guest star! Must be a typo.

Jessica Simpson to put acting career on hold : Thanks god for answering my prayers. Now how about that bigger pecker,... Huh!

Tidbits: Britney admits her father saved her life : He saved her a fortune by switching to Afflack

Scoop: Tim Gunn calls Miley Cyrus ‘tarty’ : Geez what a potty mouth on this f**king doucebag

Scoop: Will new ‘Idol’ judge cover for absent Paula?: Cover for Paula? I doubt it, those are pretty big pill bottles to fill

Tidbits: Lindsay Lohan weighs in on Bristol Palin : Finally! An informed opinion


Tidbits: Hartnett’s accidental sex tape : Gee I hope the tape doesn't feel unwanted growing up
Source here



Pop Culture Update

17 mins into the MTV music video awards and nothing’s happened. They’ve got nothing. Russell Brand makes me pine for Ryan Seacrest’s witty banter. It’s official, the MTV mva’s are dead. Switching over to Showcase now.



With Love, From Mom

Is it too late for nominations for Mom of the Year? If not, I nominate Lynne Spears. A woman who really protects her children, and has earned their trust. So to help out all the loser moms worldwide, Lynne has written a book chronicling her experiences in raising her children. Here’s an excerpt; “In a tell-all book, Spears' mother, Lynne, reveals her daughter surrendered her chastity to a high school football stud when she was just 14.
Hmmm....I’m sure that must be an interesting chapter, most likely an examination of how to score with the right crowd. High school can be very trying if you don’t run with the in crowd. Besides, what are you going to do; kids misbehave every now and then. I’m sure that was the only hiccup that occurred with Britney. “Mama Spears, 53, also dishes that the pop icon took a liking to booze when she was a 13-year-old Mouseketeer and began experimenting with drugs at 15.
By age 16, Britney's wild-child behavior stunned her family when she was caught with cocaine and marijuana on a private jet, Lynn Spears claims”. .............Doh! ....I rescind my nomination! Source here


F**k Me Pumps

Congratulations Rachel Weisz, you are Hollywood’s sexiest woman.
“Actress Rachel Weisz has topped a poll of Hollywood’s sexiest women, voted by lesbians”.
Oh, ....by lesbians....well that’s still nice. It might give one pause the next time they’re changing at the gym however, but it’s all good. The other big winners in the top 10 were Nicole Kidman, Minnie Driver, Kate Winslet, Naomi Watts, Keira Knightley, Thandie Newton, Emily Blunt, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Cate Blanchett. Hmmm.... did you folks happen to notice anything peculiar about that list? All the women on the list have accents. They are all British or Australian.............Yup even though they are lesbians,...chicks still dig accents. Somewhere, right about now, Hugh Grant is shaving his legs while trying to decide which skirt to wear with his f**k me pumps. Source here



Portrait of a crazy psycho bitch ex-girlfriend/wife

Denise Richards flickering flame of fame is beginning to wane. (Say that 10 times really fast.) You can?
Show-off! Anyhow, Denise must be feeling a lower tax bracket coming her way because she appears to be chasing after Richie Sambora again.
“Insiders say Denise started phoning and texting Richie nonstop, begging him to rekindle their romance, and he talked to her patiently at first – telling her he’s just not interested, and has a new relationship cooking”. Translation: Get away from me you lying, crazy-assed, psycho bitch! And no you cannot have some of my sperm! Hmmm...I wonder what her next move will be? ......Ooh ooh, I know,... the old fake suicide attempt. In her mind, it makes perfect sense, and is completely justifiable. Then again, she is bat-sh*t crazy! Source here

Well thats all folks, I gotta go clean up the dead raccoons in my bed...............It’s a long story, don’t ask.
Doc B. Gone baby gone

Madonna Downs Crack Baby: The Forecast for Jamie Lynn Spears; dark clouds ahead.

Heidi Ho folks, Doc B here.

I want to apologize for my erratic last blog post. Feeling much better now. Here’s the news.


But first.

‘I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure”
Groucho Marx



Madonna Downs Crack Baby

Want to know what you missed at Madonna's party for her 50th birthday.? Well let me fill you in. The crowd was treated to one after another of the Material girl's past hits (oh joy.), "Crack Baby" shots (served by real live crack whores!), and card tricks by David Blaine (they weren't really tricks, but Blaine acted like they were. You stare at cards long enough, they look like they're moving!?). Then the guests were treated to a half-hour speech from Madonna while her daughter Lourdes sang happy birthday while playing the piano.
I was invited, and I could've went, but I had a lot a laundry to do. Besides,. I'm politically opposed to the name "Crack Baby" as the name of a liquor shot. It's demeaning and insensitive. Do the right thing people and drink "Aborted Fetuses" shots instead. Source Here




Sunglasses at night

They grow up so fast don't they. Why it seems like it was just yesterday that Jamie Lynn Spears was a bright, young, rising star starring in her own TV show. (Sigh). Then of course, a little accident occurred (whoops!). Better put that show on hold there kid, I don't think this is a story line the producers want to explore. It's baby mama time so you better put your life on hold too. Of course everybody tried to put the best and most positive spin on the whole affair, but come on we are talking about teenage kids here, so there was bound to be some hiccups in the relationship along the way. And be honest folks we all knew this was doomed to begin with, they were saying all the right things while looking through the lenses of their rose colored glasses. However the weather forecast for their relationship calls for a breezy temperature, overcast, but a chance of a 98.7% chance of thunderstorms. So you won't need those rose-colored glasses anymore kids. It's time to see the world through the bleary, red rimmed eyes of a survivor of a bad and ultimately pointless relationship.
So was it any surprise when the rumors started flying about her fiancé Casey two-timing her? I doubt it. Unfortunately they bettor tried holding their breath, or drinking water while standing on their head, because this hiccup doesn't appear to be going away anytime soon. At least, not according to their so called friends and associates. One anonymous source revealed this interesting bit of nuanced opinion on the relationship. If you read between the lines I think you'll get the gist of it despite its coy vagueness around the truth. “Where there’s smoke, there is fire,” says one source who knows the Spears family well. “Although it’s not something Jamie Lynn is discussing, we all have our doubts that their relationship is solid. Definitely if not for (two-month-old daughter) Maddie, Jamie Lynn would have had enough of the stress of this relationship by now.”
See what I mean, this source is trying to beat around the bush, and sugarcoat things, but if you read between the lines I think there are some dark skies ahead in Britney's little sister's happy little fairy tale lie . However I must admit I am sometimes a little cynical.... no, it's true. Really. Perhaps hope still exists after all, at least according to one source who says,
“This family has been through so much,” says the Spears source. “We all really do hope this (relationship) can turn out well, that it can be the fairy tale Jamie Lynn wants. We’ll have to see.”
Yes we will won't we. It could be that I have become just a little jaded folks, maybe I should put some glasses on...... nah. Maybe I'll just buy a rain coat instead. Looks like stormy weather. Source Here




Headlines That Scream Hilarity.

• "Check out over 100 returning shows:" Too late, 99 of them are canceled already, and the remaining one is on the CW so you know it sucks.

• "Meet ‘The Amazing Race 13’ teams": What for? Correct me if Im wrong-- You got an old couple, an estranged couple, a gay couple, yada, yada, yada...

• "Darth Vader — Sith lord, dirty old man?": So thats whos been doing the heavy breathing on the other end of the phone. The long black cape should have been my first clue.

"OMG! It’s The Cheetah Girls’ ‘World’: OMG where did I put my glock?

"Fonz statue gets two thumbs up in Milwaukee": Sadly, the same can’t be said of the Drew Carey monument in Cleveland. You can bid on it on EBay, if you can spare a $1.49.

• "France bans broadcast of TV shows for babies": Apparently they were teaching them bad ideas, like good manners, bathing, etc..etc. Plus, there was no Jerry Lewis content.( Which is mandatory.)

• "Forget swimming ... badminton, anyone?" : Are you kidding? The last time I forgot I nearly drowned! I’m not going anywhere near a shuttlecock.

• "How about Michael Phelps as ‘The Bachelor’?" : Good idea, he needs the exposure .

“Catfight on 'Gossip Girl'!’: Talk about redundant.
Source Here: Source Here


That’s all folks, I gotta go. I want to apologize for my erratic last blog post. Feeling much better now………..better. It’s a relative term,..better. I am better…than yesterday. Feeling much better. The voice in my head says I'm better, so it must be true.........Yes better.

Doc B. Gone baby gone.

A Butane Sky, Wallpaper Willows, And The Secret Sauce. Thank God For Big Macs. Tonight On The Hump!

Heidi ho folks, Doc B. here.

Saturday night struggle, of mind over body. I wrestle with what must be.. hallucinations. Outside my window is a view of a butane sky lit up in glorious blue and yellow shades. Is this a dream? Inside is no less surreal as the wallpaper is peeling off and hanging in such a way as to resemble a forest of weeping willows. I can no longer move, for wherever I walk, the floorboards below me cry in agony. It’s a painful cry, not unlike a wounded animal. The sound haunts me and I can no longer stand to hear it, so I sit motionless, paralyzed. Bruce is at my feet, where he so often is. He seems to be saying something but I can’t hear him. Those damm floorboards won’t stop their wailing. Their voices are scarring my soul, I can feel it. Bruce is still trying to talk to me,… it seems important. I’m trying now, as hard as I can with every ounce of inner strength that I have left, to hear him. It’s hard, and I’m afraid. The wind has really kicked up in the room, odd, because the window is closed. I don’t want to move, what about the floorboards, what will they say?…. What’s Bruce saying? Can’t quite make it out. The wind is blowing harder now causing the leaves of my wallpaper to rustle loudly. It’s no longer a butane sky outside my window, it seems to be raining now, but not water. A creamy, salmon colored liquid is tap, tap, tapping on the window panes. That’s odd. I smell bacon. What’s Bruce saying?... I must try harder, focusing only on Bruce and tuning everything else out. What’s he saying?...... I think I can almost make it out. Big, I clearly heard him say big. Must… concentrate… harder. Why… am I… talking… like……… Shatner? Doc B., that’s my name, Bruce called me by my name. Oh joy! I came hear him again. I can hear. The view outside my window was returned to normal. I can hear again Bruce, what was it you were trying to tell me? A Big Mac trio… Bruce you’re a godsend. Here’s the news.


But first...

“What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.”
"Augustus Saint-Gaudens"


Headlines that scream hilarity!

Kevin Jonas takes sides in teen-queen feud: He revealed he has a crush on Zac Efron. ( join the club)

Did Jamie Lynn's fiance cheat on her?: OMG-----what if the baby isn’t mine? she screamed.

(Jennifer) Love Hewitt's reasons for slimming: The ghost were making fun of her ass every time she was out of the room. Hmmmm…ghost can be so catty sometimes.

Scoop: Stress is taking toll on Madonna's looks : So is a little thing called Internet. It's hard to be shocking and daring in a world where one can watch a man f**ked to death by a horse, or two girls eating sh*t out of a cup, Madge seems a little bit …quaint.

Elvis fans ignore rain for graveside vigil. : Elvis fans also ignore the fact that the year is 2008. (Let him go people, let him go.)

At 50, has Madonna surpassed the Beatles?: In what? Hype? What part of her catalog do ya think they'll be playing in 40 years -huh?

Scoop: Britney wants her kids to stay out of showbiz: Whatever for? She turned out alright. Source Here


Ur So Gay

For some men, attending a party at the Playboy mansion means you have truly arrived. You have now become a big enough celebrity to mingle with the Hef and his bunnies. And god willing, bang two or three of them. All at once! (God willing, for he is a kind and merciful god.) Apparently Jason Stratham didn’t get the memo.
"The Midsummer Night’s Dream party on Saturday saw The Bank Job star Jason Statham escorted off the premises by five security guards after he refused to pose for pictures with models."
"A source said: "It was rough!" So is making love to a porcupine, -but somebody's got to do it damnit!
Hmmm...refusing to cavort with a few loosely clad women ( with loose morals?) why would this simple task be too much of a chore for Jason Stratham? Is he morally offended? Then why go to the Playboy mansion at all? Has he had his heart broken by a Miss September? Is he allergic to silicone? Or perhaps he's just not that into girls. I don't know but something amiss.
Pasted from. Source Here


More Than A Nice Head Of Hair, A Big Heart As Well.

What a nice guy that Donald Trump is. Real salt of the earth that man, I don't know why people keep making fun of this guy. Oh yeah, -that hair. Anyhow, he certainly has a soft spot for old drunk has- been sidekicks, as this article portrays, Donald Trump will soon be Ed McMahon's landlord.
Trump announced Thursday he would save the television personality's Beverly Hills mansion from foreclosure by buying it for an undisclosed amount and leasing it to McMahon.
The developer told the Los Angeles Times he doesn't know McMahon personally, but acted out of compassion because helping out "would be an honor."
The only caveat is, while Trump watches TV, McMahon has to chuckle and laugh loudly every time the Donald makes (what he thinks)is a joke. Then at the end of the evening, Trump gets to fire him. (it just makes him feel good.) It's possible...that I'm a little fuzzy on this, what with the famine and all. Source Here


Say It Ain’t So Sly.

“Stallone will appear in TV and newspaper ads for Russian Ice vodka for a cool $1 million” .Is this the same Stallone who conquered the vicious Ivan Drago. Is this the same Stallone who mowed down so many Russian soldiers in Afghanistan like they were little girly men. It can’t be .Say it ain’t so Sly, say it ain’t so. “Stallone will advertise the vodka under the slogan, "There is a bit of Russian in all of us" - referring to Stallone's great-grandmother, Rosa Rabinovich, who came from the Ukrainian town of Odessa”.
Hmmm…I wonder which side of the family he gets his hypocrisy from… must be his great-granddad from the old country of --fooled you. Source Here


Well that’s it folks , I gotta go. The world outside my window has returned to normal, and my stomach is full for the time being. But.. for.. how… long?(Shatner again dammit!) I can’t go on like this much longer. I need a JOB, I NEED FOOD. I’m beginning to lose it .I can feel it. See…see that. The wallpaper just nodded in agreement,…I’m losing it.

Doc B. Gone baby gone.